40, 4 kids, divorced and sad.
I initiated the divorce but my oh my Im the one that’s struggling. My ex has since had multiple girlfriends he’s an attractive man I see why but I get jealous. I haven’t really tried to date , it’s been 2 years without sex then last weekend I decided I was bored and downloaded a dating app and had a date organised for the next evening. It was a nice date we got food walked around then went and got drinks and I invited him back to my place ( my kids were at their dads) and slept with him then cried in the bathroom after sex.
My weekends when I’m not with my children or no plans when friends or family consist of me waking up at 1pm, making lunch eating that then tidying the house a bit then showering and putting on a nice outfit that totally doesn’t encapsulate me as the sad depressed woman I am. Going to the high street in my very middle class area, running into my kids friends mums having to act like I’m okay. Going into Waitrose buying wine then going home cooking myself a nice dinner waiting till it hits about 5/6pm then I start drinking and watching a silly comedy show and by the end of the night I’m crying in my nice expensive outfit Ahaa. I guess this is just my life at 40.
the other day I looking at pictures of myself at university and comparing myself now. 21 year old me was very strong willed yet at 40 I’m so weak. I achieved everything I wanted to achieve yet I’m sad. I guess this is punishment for who I was. I spent majority of my life being liked by men, by other girls and just being popular for being mean to other girls at boarding school now look I’m divorced, with my dream job and 4 sons who think the world of me but they don’t know the hurt I feel for them I’ve let them down.