Advice re Child Arrangements

[Effiemum2E]

Looking for some advice.
My ex and I have had an non official childcare arrangement since the separation and this has carried on for the 3 years we have been divorced.
This year af least, I have been aware that he has been taking DD (5) to her grandparents and leaving her there.
I have her Tuesday to Saturday afternoon. He has her Saturday afternoon to Tuesday morning school drop off.
Revently DD has been upset as she says she hasnt seen Daddy. I thought to myself, I will leave this to the new year and address it then. But she got upset over the weekend at her grandparents and looks like he has had a talking to by them.
He is now full of shame and regret and wants her this day and that day and completely wanting to change her routine.
We had agreed Xmas holidays and he wants to change this. But the same thing will happen. He is working up to Xmas day so all he will do is leave her with them again.

TW!
A bit of backstory, we had a volatile relationship as he drank too much and would call me names. He also laid hands a couple of times. She was only a baby when I decided she shouldnt grow up like this and I took us both away.
He is very focused on his image and wont want people to see him as a bad dad. But he stopped maintenance nearly 2 years ago and says he has some kind of paperwork that says he doesnt have to pay it. I get exhausted getting into things with him due to the way he speaks to me so I left it and manage everything on my own.
He also uses me as his diary manager as he wouldnt remember and school or social avtivities she has to attend.
He wont return her clothes to me and uses his undiagnosed adhd as an excuse but I have to badger to get anything back.
Now learning that he is choosing work and going out over being with her. I think Im at breaking point. She is upset that she doesnt see him and she is left there and to save his image, he is calling me and saying that 'WE' are damaging her.
I have turned down opportunities. I have reduced my chances of progressing in my career for her. But thats what you do. I miss nights out. But she is more important.
I dont know if its solicitor and child arrangements order time. I dread it because his behaviour towards me will get worse and Im already doing it all on my own.
Has anyone else dealt with this?

I have just concluded CAO with my abusive ex. Truly the worst experience of my life, the entire process was degrading, intrusive and humiliating. I would advise you to think v carefully before going down this road - seek a considered legal opinion first. It has cost me at least £45k and although it has ended with a no contact order this is extremely rare. What you may get ordered could well be what is already in place.

he can arrange childcare himself on his days - he’s allowed to leave the child with other people.

go via CMS for maintenance

Go to CMS first thing tomorrow.

Edited to add - a child arrangement order will not make him step up to be a better parent. It will not force him to stop palming off your DC with his parents. It will not make it easier to get her clothes back after each visit. It WILL formalise when YOU have to make DC available for contact.

Stop being his secretary. Stop doing his parenting for him. Tell him that from X date you will not be sending a suitcase with DC, he will have to provide clothing when she's at his.

Do this via text ONLY - tell him that you will only communicate via message from now on so that you have a trail of all the ongoing issues. Report any abusive messages. If you have any concerns about your DC's safety withhold contact and force HIM to take YOU to court for contact. He won't.

But first, CMS tomorrow. There is no such document that excuses him from contributing financially to his DC's upbringing.

There are bigger issues here, but perhaps one of the co-parenting apps might be useful in your situation, particularly diary-wise and logging messages.

Contact CMS tomorrow. He doesn’t get to tell you he doesn’t have to pay maintenance. CMS can tell you the facts.