Calling off the wedding & separating with a 1 & 2 year old. Experience of sharing a house short term?

[TheEventMum]

Hi all,
I’m looking for some advice and real-life experiences rather than judgement.

I’m due to get married next year, but I’m preparing to call off the wedding and separate. We’ve been together for 5 years and have a 1-year-old and a 2-year-old. My partner doesn’t yet know that I’m planning to separate, but we did have a conversation recently where I raised delaying the wedding due to ongoing issues, and he said we might as well cancel rather than work on things.

For a long time, my basic needs for love, affection and emotional connection haven’t been met. We did try couples therapy, but it didn’t lead to lasting change and was later dismissed by my partner. I’ve had to accept that this isn’t something that’s going to improve.

My focus now is on planning carefully for the children.

I’m considering a short-term arrangement (around 6–12 months) where we share the family home in a “nesting” setup. The children would stay in the house, and we would alternate staying there depending on work and childcare patterns, while we sort out longer-term housing and finances.

I’d really appreciate hearing from anyone who has done something similar with toddlers:
did it work in practice?
did you manage boundaries?
it genuinely help the children or just delay things?
anything you wish you’d known before doing it?

I’m not rushing into this and want to make the least disruptive decisions possible for very young children.

Thank you in advance for any constructive advice or experiences.

Nesting only works if you both do equal housework. Otherwise when you visit the “family home”, you’re cleaning up after your ex and getting pissed off at stuff like him not buying in groceries because he thinks it’s your job.

Plus there’s the issue of dating. The flat that’s not the “family home” could end up being his shag pad and you could have your clean up after him and his Tinder dates 🤮

Is he likely to turn nasty? If he becomes angry then there’s a high probability of him going through your stuff like letters or destroying (hiding) stuff.

How old are the children?

Children are 1 and 2, he’s an avoidant hence why he doesn’t see there is a problem and told me we should just marry as these are normal issues in relationships. But he never says I love you, he doesn’t like to be touched by me until it’s during sex when he wants it. I was thinking of explaining when saying I’d like to separate that there should be rules of the house for us both like no one bring new parents or one night stands to the house etc?

First of all, OP, are both your names on the deeds of your home?

Yes 50/50 on the mortgage

Why delay the inevitable? Fully separate now before the DC are old enough to remember any different.

I’m going to after Christmas

Next, could you afford the mortgage and bills on the family home and rent and bills on a flat?

Both of you would need to be paying, since you would both be using the two properties.

I’ve I went from part time to full time yes I’d be able to afford have the house bills for the main house but not the whole lot

Really I can only see the benefit of a similar situation if you are on reasonably amicable terms and both the decision to do it for quite a number of years to save kids from moving back and forth. I’d also think that it would benefit older children more.

Your children are so little. Why would it not be better to split the cost of renting somewhere else while you sell your family home and then you can start fresh or whatever you believe is best for everyone?

If he’s likely to turn nasty then he might say that you should pay more of the main house because you’re there more or he could refuse to pay to punish you. (With kids that young and part-time working I’m assuming that’s the case. I’ve read lots of stories on here where exes sabotage selling the house (dragging things out etc ) because they know it will be hard for their ex financially.

I think it’s fine to move immediately as your kids are so young. If they were doing their GCSEs or A-levels then it makes sense to move in the summer after exams but the kids are very young and won’t remember the move.

Your reasons for splitting make sense and the older the kids are, the harder it will be imho. I’d be trying to find an affordable place to move from Jan.

Also consider whether you want a 50/50 arrangement for childcare after the formal split, which means neither of you pay the other maintenance.

If you know that he will be an inadequate parent, and that you will end up doing 90%+ of the additional tasks for the DC apart from being physically there to 'mind' them (e.g. sorting and buying clothes, getting rid of the old ones, sorting toys, sorting out medical appointments, dental appointments, hair cuts, liaising with nursery or school, taking days off work when they are ill, researching and buying car seats, arranging play dates, signing them up for clubs and activities, etc. etc. etc.), then it would be best NOT to have a nesting arrangement that sets up a precedent and expectation that he is a 50/50 parent.

You would be better off delaying the formal split until you can do it fully and properly, and from the start have a fixed schedule of set days and nights for him to have them (with 100% responsibility for them during his time), and a child maintenance arrangement that reflects the schedule.