"The boy who should be named"

[Br9301]

Hi all,
I’m really struggling and could do with some outside perspective.
I’ve been with my wife for 12 years, married for 8. We have two beautiful young children and a home together. Four months ago, a long-lost ex from 13 years ago contacted her out of the blue. Their relationship back then was awful — he was unfaithful, used drugs, and she came out of it with PTSD. Her whole family disliked him so much that he was basically “the boy who should not be named.”
He reached out saying he’d been in recovery for years, had found faith, and wanted to apologise to people he’d hurt. My wife wanted to hear him out. I supported this, because she had always been anxious about accidentally running into him in his hometown, and I honestly thought that if he was trying to make amends, maybe it would help her put old ghosts to rest.
But instead, they slipped into an emotional affair. They started talking about being “soulmates” because they grew up together, that sort of fantasy. I found out, everything blew up, and my wife has now filed for divorce so she can “explore a future” with him — possibly even marry him.
Her family disapprove and are shocked too. They remember exactly how badly he treated her. But she seems convinced he’s changed and that this is her chance at some kind of fairytale reconnection.
Meanwhile, I’m devastated. I feel betrayed, blindsided, and terrified of what this means for our kids. I’m about to lose my marriage, my daily life with my children, and possibly have to deal with this man being around them — the same man who traumatised her in the first place.
I don’t know how to cope with the betrayal, the grief, and the fact that every time I pick up my children I might have to see the person who helped destroy my family. I’m trying to stay strong for the kids, but inside I’m breaking.
Has anyone been through something similar?
How do you survive this kind of emotional blow and still co-parent well?
Any advice on staying grounded and not letting anger or heartbreak take over?
Thanks for reading.

You need to accept that you can't control what she does. As much as you don't like it, she is free to make her own decisions.

If she wants to go, let her go. Focus on looking after yourself and building a life for yourself and your children.

You’re basically worrying about how stable your children’s lives are going to be.

that’s on YOU now. At least until this new relationship proves stable. So maintain a very good relationship with your in laws and make sure you arrange your work so you can do 50% of the actual parenting.

and don’t comment on the ‘new’ relationship.

Friend. I have been through the same. My wife of 10 years left me for her ex partner believing he was 'changed' since then he lost his driving licence through drink driving. Had the police in my house looking for him after smashing up his ex's property. A really stand up guy! He used to beat her and smash her house up the first time around.

I cant say I can give you the best advice as I'm still not in a good place nearly 4 years on. Work on yourself. Go to the gym and do not take her back when he fucks up!

Firstly I'm so sorry op. This feels very unfair, you don't deserve this. Your wife has acted appallingly.

You may likely be in the very strange position where you both want their relationship to fail (because of a sense that's what they deserve) but also for the sake of stability for your kids/ex that you want it to be successful.

Most relationships that start like this fail and that's without the PTSD history, the drugs etc so you need to consider very carefully that the ex may come crawling back to you in a few weeks or months with tales of woe, begging you to take her back. What will you do?

In the meantime, I would be very very wary of my children spending time with the new couple. He's an ex (hopefully) drug user, her judgement is clearly questionable or there's some very strange co-dependant enmeshment happening if she's drawn back to the source of her PTSD. Not a good environment for the kids.

Pp is right. Form a close knit team with your in laws. You will need it either way.

I don't usually suggest it but I would consider a Clares law/Sarah's law on the new partner. He's had a hugely unstable past. If I had the money I might consider a private investigator too (though aware it makes me sound crazy) to look into his background to ensure that he is safe/truthful or to defend a custody claim in court if that is needed.

Look after yourself too. Therapy, seek support from family and friends. It's shit!!

All you can do is provide stability for your children and put them first in everything you say or do.

Agree to the divorce ASAP and get all of your finances separated fairly and quickly and try to decide between you how much time you should each have the children.

Then provide a steady home and life for your kids. Go to sports day, take them to parties, be there when you are supposed to be there. If your children are at school you can drop them off and the other one collect them, there is no need to see the person who destroyed your family.

I‘m so sorry OP. Anger and heartbreak are part of grieving for your relationship. Does your employer have an employee assistance programme to get some counselling? It really helped me when my XH left for a new fantasy life.

Thankfully my DD has never been exposed to the other woman as she was old enough to make the decision not to get involved. You can make arrangements so handover days are school days so you don’t have to go to the house - one parent drops off then the other picks up.

Unfortunately the delusion of the fantasy life can last a long time. It’s almost two years since my XH entered into his affair and he’s anchoring himself further and further into it - because otherwise he’ll have to accept the huge mistake he made in throwing away our family life. I tell you this so you don’t waste time wondering if she’ll ever ‘wake up’ and realise what she’s done. Initiate divorce yourself, and make sure that child arrangements are 50/50. She’ll prioritise the new man over the kids without even thinking about it if she’s swept up as you describe.

Good luck OP. It’s hard but you will get through this.

What faith has he found where taking a married woman from her husband is OK??

Thanks for all the advice and support. They are both Christians supposedly, one of her arguments for leaving me was that she wanted a man who puts god at the center of our family. But I agree, I dont think its very Christian to steal abother man's wife 🤦‍♂️

You’ve got to laugh OP, faux religious people always come unstuck! None of this is about you. It’s all fantasy.

In this scenario I would try very hard to ensure that the kids remained in the family home with me for the majority of the time, and saw their mum every other weekend and a couple of evenings in the week.

I would want to strongly limit my children spending time round someone with a history of drug taking, whose behaviour has caused their mum ptsd. And the best way to do that would be to give her plenty of child free time.

Id be tempted to propose that contact as a suggestion just for the first three months whilst she gets on her feet with a view to reviewing later on.

It sounds like he’s working a programme (the making amends is step 9 I think) like NA - narcotics anonymous, but could also be AA.
Its advisable not to get into a new relationship for about two years when in early sobriety/clean time.
The Christianity part is likely the ‘God of his understanding’ or commonly known as a ‘higher power’…. For some people, this could be a tree. He’s already not working his programme by getting into a relationship in early recovery, he’s likely to start putting her first, and he will lose the programme and relapse.
I’m in AA and in recovery.

Best thing you can do is give her all the space in the world to be with him away from your children. Warn school maybe that he’s not to collect them and why, likely to trigger a SS referral, but that’s not a bad thing incase it all goes tits up in the future.

He’s likely to ‘make amends’ with your in-laws too, so be prepared, they may not always be on your side.

What is your situation right now. Did she leave the family home or are you still living in it together?

I left the family home, im currently living at my dads. We plan on releasing my half of the equity soon so I can get ny own place. But shes abut reluctant because she wants me to wait while she decides whether she wants to be with him or stay with me

Don’t play the game. She’s destroyed your marriage and you need to start a new life without her. It’s awful and terribly painful. But playing the “pick me” game is beneath you.

I would do a Clare’s law application. If he’s got a history of abuse your children need to be kept safe. If your wife isn’t willing / able to do that then you have to. Be aware that she may still choose him and you may need to have your children full time.

And certainly don’t assume your ILs will be on your side for long. Parents almost always eventually take the side of their adult child in a divorce.

Well she can piss off. Look after yourself and your children OP. Leave bee to deal with the mess than will inevitably come to fruition.

What a dreadful story. Your wife is as stupid is as stupid does. People don’t change. She will get clobbered again with pain from this bloke.

Obviously you’re really hurt and betrayed by her ridiculous behaviour.

You have to protect yourself and your children from now on. Stability and calm is what you represent to them.

Your w will come crawling back. I hope you tell her to piss off.

But shes abut reluctant because she wants me to wait while she decides whether she wants to be with him or stay with me

Take that choice away from her. She is treating you very badly. Tell her it's over and you want to get on with the business of separating your finances.

Her future needs to be a reality for her instead of the fantasy that it is right now.

And the sooner you get on with rebuilding your life the sooner you will start to heal.

I bet she is.

Just crack on. She can’t have it all ways. Fucking about with Zammo McGuire whilst keeping you on the back burner for stability.

And the sooner the house and the financial side is sorted out, the sooner you can get somewhere that your children can live.