For those of us surviving Xmas still living with ‘ex’

[Nearlyouttahere]

There must be plenty of us out there, who have decided to separate/ planning or preparing to separate, but having to still live with a DH/DP over Xmas…. Approaching with sense of doom.

Xmas 2024 was awful, and as I spent the day with our kids (having done everything to make Christmas happen, of course) and his family, I really hoped it would be the last year I’d have to do it. Started 2025 feeling fairly certain that I was now entering a phase where I would proactively prepare to leave…. Started working overtime late in my home office every night to save money, did some tentative sums about taking on the mortgage by myself, started stocking up with things from grocery shops and hiding with a friend. Realised I’d been out of pocket a lot over the years during the relationship, so began adding cash back from the joint account to my Aldi shop, loading extra money onto kids school dinner accounts for the future, etc etc.

Thank goodness I did. At the start of summer there was a very scary incident where I feared for my safety. It made up my mind for certain. The summer holidays were awful.
The second the kids were back at school in September I was at the bank.
I’m very lucky in that I have the savings, got my own mortgage, had an offer accepted on an amazing house and so had my exit plan when I told him. I was terrified. Shaking and made sure I was next to the front door so I could escape if I needed to.

Now, just awaiting the legal processes to be removed from deeds on current house and purchase the new one - hopefully get the keys in the new year. Can hardly believe it, and just keep dreaming about the peace I will have.

But, Christmas to be endured. That will mean having to cope with him being off work and around the house. Feeling fearful as he drinks a lot more. Being resentful (more than usual) as I’ve done it all.

However - the end is in sight. This time last year I first began to think it might be a possibility. Now, it’s almost happened.

Solidarity to those also facing the Xmas season wanting to separate, waiting for a house to sell, putting on a brave face for children, etc. You’re not alone.

Nearlyouttahere - I hear you sister!!
in exactly the same place but with the sad difference of having to sell our property in order to free funds to actually leave… could be bloody MONTHS 😢
BUT in my heart I am already gone. This is just another Christmas with the alcoholic abusive twat I married (believing I could ‘cure’ him if I just made one more compromise, made sure I didn’t say/do anything to set him off, not go anywhere without him, never contradict him etc etc - you get the gist)… but that light at the end of the tunnel is all I allow myself to focus on.
I have had the strength to do this shit for over 12 years, I can do a few more months and then freedom is mine forever 🥂
wishing all of us in this situation a triumphant (as in it’s the final one with HIM) Christmas and the Happy New Year we all deserve ❤️❤️

@zeroclucksgiven so sorry you’re stuck waiting to sell, I can’t imagine what that uncertainty is like to live with. I know that I am so lucky to not have to endure that. Originally I thought I’d stay in the family home and buy him out, but moving onto a new fresh start is now what I really want, and the thought of that in my future has been keeping me going. I can’t wait to sit down in an evening wherever I want rather than having to stay out of the way, and feel so unsettled in my own home.

Christmas and alcohol as a combination is making me feel on edge. Dreading it, and thinking of lots of ways to take the kids out of the house, out of the way - but also not spending lots of money as I’ll need every penny for the house move soon.
I swing from thinking I’m sure I can endure just another month or so, to just being totally overwhelmed at having to manage it and walk on all the eggshells for any longer. Its had such a toll on my health, sleeping, horrendous tension and pains in my neck and shoulders, teeth grinding! And so on.

my favourite escapism is planning the furniture and things I want in my new home. All the things he would object to, or scoff at. It’s lovely planning and dreaming about it.

I think the new year is such a pick up time in the housing market, so surely you will have some interest before too long 🤞

Just sending you strength and solidarity as I was in this situation several years ago, it was hideous but I got through it. Now happily divorced and looking forward to a peaceful Christmas on my own terms with no in laws!

Ladies you can do it! My ex moved out very recently eventually after separating back in the summer. The months we had to live together were awful and then he was gone! After he’d left I was waiting for the sadness etc that you’re told will happen and it didn’t. I bought him out and feel wonderful honestly just wonderful!

my main sadness is seeing my own children less and since I was always the primary carer that hits hard and I have says when I am terribly sad about this but I can’t change it. When the kids are older they can have more say.

just keep in your minds eye about your new start! Your new houses! New routines! It will be worth it!

try and steal secret moments with the kids over Christmas to make it still a beautiful time - take little selfies - plan outings yourself just for you and the kids. It’s hard having to spend so much time out of the home as I had to do this. Before the separation my husband used to go out all the time but after he was constantly “there”. It was helll!

@Beachlovingirl Yes! The belief and hope and planning for a new start is so powerful!

Same situation, children dont know we are separating yet, so keeping up appearances . He’s so passive aggressive and expects me to pay for everything as we are ‘still married’ even though he started the divorce. Im main earner but he’s not on the breadline. I’m happy to oblige him with the divorce as my eyes have been opened to what he’s like and how I’ve been manipulated by him for years. I don’t know how I’ll keep smiling and pretending all is ok.

Thanks for posting, I’m in a similar place including the teeth grinding! Last Christmas I swore I couldn’t go on like this and he did move out for a period but now here I am one year later still stuck in this crazy situation. (I don’t want to share anything too identifying but it’s been very dysfunctional for a long time). The only difference is I now know there is no hope of things improving between us. I’m getting legal advice but keeping everything under wraps until I know where I stand. Me and the kids will stay in the family home although I have also indulged in some Rightmove fantasies.

So here I am having to deliver Christmas for the kids but stuck in limbo. The worst thing is the kids really want us to host it but I can’t face putting on a front and think my family would also feel the same way if they attended. So we are going to a relative’s nearby instead. But I feel bad that I’m cheating the kids of their last proper family Christmas at home. Should I just suck it up I wonder (and scale things down if relatives don’t want to come here) and let them have the Christmas they want at home? What is everyone else doing? Feeling quite bleak tbh. Books and TV have been my escape and also trying to reconnect with friends.

@NewLife4me72 yep, my children not been told yet. Absolutely dreading it. But I know life will be so much better for them afterwards - just that I can’t really explain that to them without totally badmouthing their dad - who they need to have a relationship with…..

@Nearlyouttahere I hear you. I’m sick at the thoughts of telling them (they are 18, 16,14). I dont think they have any idea, though they think stbexh is going through a mid life crisis as he’s obsessed with gym, healthy eating and going out atm. I’m not commenting either way. I’m just also scared they won’t want to spend time with me afterwards, though I know that’s just fear, I know I have a great relationship with my children, but I can’t say I’m not anxious about the future and how it will all work out. We are going to 50/50 parent apparently. He’s far from reasonable and v controlling.

Separated in the summer, told the kids in October. Dreading Christmas to be honest. We’re fine in the same room if the kids are about, otherwise we’re all in separate rooms. He has a habit of provoking me with manipulative, petty, game playing behaviour every few weeks.
The process keeps being delayed by him changing his mind about how he wants to proceed, we’re now due to start mediation in the new year.
I just want to move on and get settled in my new life wherever that may be. I need peace. I need to be able to walk around my house freely.

You do know he's entitled to any equity you build up in your new house until yoy divorce and have a financial settlement

I'm going through this right now and really feeling unhinged at the moment. He's controlling and being horrible. What's upset me is that our son has spoken to me today like me does. Undermining me and gaslighting me. I really don't know how I'm going to get through the holidays.

There’s a real sense of being stuck in the house with STBX for me. Can’t go away or take kids out all the time as really need to save money for house move. Trying to stay out of the way a lot. Doing a lot of long walks, playground trips, driving around looking at Xmas lights for much longer than necessary…. Another Xmas where I buy my own present to save face for the DC, no one actually having an ounce of consideration for me. Eggshells when the alcohol comes out. Knowing Xmas wouldn’t happen without me and someone else taking the credit.
I’m really lucky as I know for sure it’s the last year I have to do it. But dreading it and trying to brace for huge emotions.

thinking of everyone else in similar boats

Christmas greetings and solidarity to all those in this position. I am very fortunate to finally have a (although not set in stone yet) end date for having to share.

The misery that was 2025 will hopefully become a distant memory. Two Christmas' in a row were truly shite so next Christmas if I am not living in something resembling Santa's grotto there will at least be 30000 Christmas lights strewn everywhere and carols on in the background. And I'll go to church at Midnight too. And eat what I like. And eat cheese in my bed. And crackers. And sleep in the crumbies. And wear christmas PJ's and dress a teddy in matching pj's.

him, being married to a something rhyming with stick . Amen to being divorced!!!

Set some goals lovelies, manifest the future, next year I will be.......

@ICantWaitAnotherMinute
loved your post! Reminded me of my favourite prose ‘one day I shall wear purple’…., I’m manifesting like crazy- before he comes home from the pub😵‍💫 warmest festive wishes to you all xx

It was shit. Xmas eve was shit (why wouldn’t you want to spend time with your kids on Xmas eve? Why would you go out and get falling over dunk instead?)
Nothing under the tree for me - cross that my kids had nothing to give me (too young to go out and buy anything themselves). They noticed.
Roll on tomorrow and next year.
Reassures me time and time again I’ve made the right decision.
Thoughts with those of you similarly bearing up today too. Vent here if needed.

I’m sorry it was shit. Like you said, it just reaffirms it’s the right decision. Sending you hugs and just know next year will be better

Sending everyone strength and love . I had checked out mentally a few years ago but something happened in the summer that was the final straw . He’s very manipulative and controlling and sadly 14 year old DS copies his behaviour toward me . The walking on egg shells , being ignored , called mentally unwell if I defend myself or don’t do what’s expected of me…. By both of them. Today was awful and being told “ we are all going on a family holiday” Fuck that …… so I’m depressed and emotionally unstable according to them for politely declining . He said he was going to speak to my boss so I could get the time off . I can’t take it anymore so need to be proactive in the NY

This has been my 3rd Christmas stuck with my STBX. I've been dreading it since the summer, but it was easier to bear knowing the house has finally sold, and my offer has been accepted on a new house. Hopefully only another couple of months to go 🤞🏼🤞🏼🤞🏼 In the meantime, I'm curating the most wonderful Pinterest board of decor for my new home. When thi gs get very tense and shouting, I visualise the feeling of closing and locking my own front door 🖤