Soon to be ex-husband is gay?

[deeplythinking]

After 30 years together (24 married) I told my husband 3 years ago I felt we had lost our connection.

During the initial trying to work it out and talking more, he told me he had a tough life too (as he knew I did), he knew he wasn't good at showing emotion. He opened up and said he was bullied at school, and also found he was attracted to men as a teen.

I'm not sure what led to the conversation eventually being he would seek counselling so help sort out his emotions, and turning to me in bed that night he asked 'what do I do if the counsellor says I'm gay?

At the time I wasn't really sure what to say, and said 'see the counsellor first?'
He then also suggested we might try watching gay porn to liven up our sex life, which I said I wouldn't want to do. I felt confused. I just needed hugs and kisses really, which were missing.

Roll forward a few days and he asked me outright if he goes through 6 months of counselling will I promised to still be with him? I said I didn't know, he really kept pushing me to answer and then I said no, I feel we need to part.

Prior to him opening up about being gay as a teen, he had been steamrollering over me telling me if I left I wouldn't get the children, I owed him 30 years etc, etc, so I knew I was done trying.

I never brought up what he said about him talking about maybe being Gay that night, but he did say after this he made that all up to try to keep me, had said it out of desperation.

Roll forward 3 years, divorce almost complete. and he's moving into another house he's just bought with his girlfriend of over 2 years. I think its only sinking in now that I was married to a man that was gay?

Now the horrible emails and texts from him are finally beginning to fade (i do wonder if he was angry, and worried I'd tell people) I can't really get me head around this, as I don't think anyone would say 'what do I do if the counsellor says I'm gay?' unless they were considering that?

Keep wondering in my head why he would have said that, then said he made it up. confused

sorry this is so long - but felt needed explaining x

I don't understand - he has a girlfriend AND he's gay? Do you mean bisexual?

Presumably he’s not gay but bisexual and it upsets him that he’s attracted to men as well as women, hence the comment and the backtracking. But what difference does it make to you now?

There’s no wonder your head is a mess! It sounds like he was completely avoidant but didn’t want to let go of the family unit - not fair on you! Also it sounds like he is at the very least bi-sexual. I have never had sex with a straight man that would have even entertained watching gay porn together, coupled with the comment he made about being gay. Maybe you need some counselling? I would say just move on now and leave him to it but I know it’s not that easy when someone has messed with your head.

I suppose that's what I am trying to get my head around - he said the thing about 'what is the counsellor says I'm gay?' but afterwards said he made that up. Then after we split and I moved out he was very fast to start dating through apps, meet his girlfriend and they've been on off for a few years, living in different countries but now they are setting up home together.
So he hasn't come out, or changed who he dates as in he is dating a woman,
so I am confused, and feeling so unloved and not really in a very loving relationship for a long time (I feel I was more loving seeking hugs kisses, holding hands etc, but he wasnt) - I'm probably not making much sense 🙂

I'm probably asking was it possible to be married to a man who is gay but in the closet, and he doesn't want to come out? Or would a man make up questioning his sexuality to save a marriage? Which seems odd

yes, I do think it's only hitting me know that actually the root of us not being very connected through out long time together was in part due to this. I feel upset, annoyed, sad for him too if he's continuing to hide it, but I know he didn't treat me well in the end - blamed marriage failing totally on me, and I do think he is worried I will tell someone, but I wont.
I've had counselling for alot of things in the past, I'm now thinking this might need it too

❤️

I just hope his new relationship doesn't fall apart, because they've bought a house, prior to even living together and only visiting the odd weekend here and there over a few years.
We do have two teenagers and really I want them to have a happy dad too.
I do think my confusion over his sexuality and how that now fits in to the memory of our marriage is now surfacing and bothering me. Like I could never have been good enough really, or if I had stayed I never would have really been in the relationship I feel I do deserve

He sounds like a very confused man. I’m glad you’re out of the relationship. Do you really need to be thinking about this now? His time with you is done and gone and your focus should be on moving on, not wondering about his sexual preferences

his sexuality makes no difference to me now. I just know it's only hitting me know that I've realised I wasn't in the marriage I thought I was, I felt guilty that I did leave in the end, he told me it was all my fault, but really he wasn't being honest with me. The thing he said about 'what happens if they say i'm gay?' keeps making me feel he was trying to see what reaction to that would be, was he actually telling me he was gay? I know I should have properly asked but our split came so fast after that, and he backtracked

I really don't want to be thinking about it, honestly, it's like I feel daft for not realising that he was telling me something. I think too it's the first time I have felt I can truly grieve for the lost marriage, now the horrible emails and texts have pretty much stopped, and this has surfaced in my memory of how it all ended

I think too I am only just realising that despite everything that could have been done to save our marriage, this would have been something (him being gay) that meant I couldn't have stayed, I already felt detatched, good friends at most, i tried so hard to get that connection.
I think my brain has just finally realised I did the right thing, to ignore the horrible things that were said to me after we split, that his relatives me think I'm the bad one for leaving, but I couldnt have stayed, and I will never tell them that reason why either, I know it would break him really and it's not my place to say,

It’s difficult to explain to people that haven’t had a relationship break down where the other person places the blame entirely on you.

I split with the father of my eldest children 15 years ago and he made my life hell, blamed me, was verbally abusive, took me to family court etc.

I have always thought that he cheated on me more than once, without going into detail I think most people would agree that some of his actions were quite obviously shady. I don’t know why it still bothers me, it’s not the fact that he might have cheated, more that it would give me peace of mind that it wasn’t my fault if I knew the truth.

I do agree, I think too while you are going through the process of leaving a marriage your brain is so crammed with trying to sort everything out, support the kids, etc there is no space to fully understand some of the things that happened at the end. Until now, when things feel calmer.

Gay porn as a suggestion to liven up your sex life? At the very least this is a man quite conflicted about their sexuality. I’m older but I still stand by straight men do not want to watch or engage in same sex relationships/ sex.

and the girlfriend from afar is a familiar trope. My exH who has another ex after me has recently married a woman who is not a native English speaker and lives across the USA from him. Of course she does ..the better to live his double/triple/ quadruple life with multiple (female) partners.

onwards and upwards OP

I do feel I missed the signs completely. But he was the first man I'd slept with, he did make me feel safe, me coming from a bad home life we did get on as friends before we dated and I do feel we became friends again along the way, but I knew I was missing love.
I also cant understand why he'd feel I'd have wanted to watch Gay porn. I do feel he was confessing he wanted that, but got too freaked out after and just back tracked. I do feel sorry for him if that's the case, but know I need to take care of me now, and try to deal with this and move on to.
I have been seeing someone for a while now, and the contrast in how he is with me, I think it is really showing up what I didn't have with my ex. That's why my brain is fried 🙂

It's possible your ex husband is bisexual. I wonder if he is perhaps gay, hence the comment to you about the counsellor and watching gay porn. After the split he denied he's gay, and he simply made it up. I rather suspect that he's backtracked out of fear, doesn't want to 'come out' to his children, family and friends, so he's told you he made it up. By telling you he lied, you're less likely to tell anyone, than if he did leave because he's gay. The girlfriend is a smoke screen to hide behind, so he can keep up the pretense that's he's a straight man. Of course her living in a different country works in his favour, he can dabble with men, and she'll be none the wiser. I think you made the right choice, but you know you did.

Thank you. I've thought alot about this since first posting and receiving replies. I do now believe/accept he is gay or bi and he is choosing to not come out, and did get spooked after he told me what he thought.
I feel it does explain the closeness we lacked, I do believe he cared about me deeply. I do think too hes trying to get companionship as he is a bit of a loner too.
I do hope when his girlfriend does move to be with him soon they are happy.
But know too I'm no longer the one who needs to be his rock.
I feel no longer guilty for leaving. Though his family will never know why this happened, so out of the blue, and I'd never tell them, I know I did what was right for my happiness.
Really appreciate everyone's replies. Very supportive and confirmed what I think I knew too.

I understand where you are coming from to now be questioning things. My husband had bisexual tendencies at the start of our relationship and we had some threesomes with men we knew (a very messy situation) and one of those became a bit more them than me involved. It eventually faded out and after a while once we’d had kids it was never spoken about again. I can’t believe we both pushed it aside and I do wonder if now we’ve separated after 24yrs whether it’s something he’ll explore again.

Thank you. I think from the replies, like yours, it really is likely my ex has been keeping this side of him well hidden from me, perhaps from himself too. I know I wouldnt have stayed with him had he said so sooner. Probably why he didnt. A shame for both of us really. I'm now seeing this is really not very unusual, being married to someone who hasn't come out to anyone.

I'm probably asking was it possible to be married to a man who is gay but in the closet, and he doesn't want to come out? Or would a man make up questioning his sexuality to save a marriage? Which seems odd

Hello, yes it possible he isn't admitting his true feelings about being gay, or maybe he is bisexual. I am in a support group and many people are still married to their husbands/wives that seem to be gay, but are in complete denial. Its very odd.

I am in the support group because my husband of nearly 7 years came out as gay earlier this year, Its destroyed my family and my confidence. It's been 8 months but we are still living together and its utter hell. I cant wait to get into the new year, get the house sold and get on with healing myself

Hope you are able to move on in 2026. I'm going to do my best to do that too.