Really need some advice, consent order stalled because of Ex.

[Theghostofchristmasarse]

Consent order took two weeks to be seen by a judge, rejected on Monday as he wanted more detail about the split of finances. It's 70/30 to me, he only has the children every other weekend and earns twice what I do, SEN children who are 15 and 10. I can only work part time as daughter is at home all day.

He was meant to send the solicitor more information so she could justify the split but instead he chose to send a letter containing a sob story about how his girlfriend's pension wasn't as good as mine and how he needs a 5 bedroom house, for 3 children who aren't there more than 50% of the time. (One is hers). Oh and because he also needs to house her two adult children. They will have combined equity of 400k to buy a house, around 500k needed for that where they live. I need 300k to house the children, I'd get 200k from the sale approximately. My pension is better than his, but he said he doesn't want it.

Waiting to see if he'll let the solicitor draft a letter to state facts of why we agreed to the split, he probably won't. No idea where we go from there as I'm paying all the costs, he refuses to.

We had the final order on the 28th November, he's an idiot and applied for it as soon as he could.

House is in my name and we agreed I could live in it (paying the whole mortgage) until 2027, so two years, I've been here for 5 alone.

Really don't know what to do next. I offered to go down to 65%, he didn't reply, he signed the consent order and saw the entirety of the D81, (I wrote the information in a lot of detail, the solicitor changed it to remove some because it was too detailed apparently, we both then signed the revised version., kind of annoying she took out the details as that's what they're asking for now!) he knew the split and agreed to it, he's now having his say I guess. Feels like it's his 'day in court' opportunity ? I have no idea, but he's salty and wants someone to say 'there there, yes she's a bitch, poor man..''
Fine but that's not the point if responding to the judge to get it signed off! He didn't want to mediate.

He has savings, probably 30k, tucked away, probably with the girlfriend. Also very elderly parents who are minted and he will get the value of their house, around £300k. He thinks I don't know this.

No idea what to next, I just want it over, but if he never agrees to send a letter what happens next? We have to redraft, the resubmit, he still won't get legal advice, doesn't want to pay out.

I'm so unbelievably stressed, I can't stop thinking about it and imagining having to go to court. I can't afford to keep paying the solicitor, each email exchange costs nearly £90! If we have to redraft it, I feel like saying no, you sort it out, pay for a solicitor of your choice to rewrite it if you choose and I'll just wait. It's not urgent for me as far as I can see. I've got no inheritance prospects or savings to speak of, I'll sell in two years anyway and of course I'll give him the money, except I think I'd be doing it without a legal agreement? I think the issue would be later on, if I did have some money like my pension lump sum, or if I bought my own place because he could claim some of it? But then it would go both ways I assume...

I think they're likely to get married anyway, would that change things?

Just can't think straight and can't really ask the solicitor as it'll cost loads...but then I've paid out nearly 1600 already so it's a drop in the ocean.

If anyone has any experience or advice I'd really appreciate it right now. Thanks.

I think you should start by detaching yourself from his obstructive behaviour which is focussing on his wants and needs. Put yourself and your kids at the top of your list of priorities and take him off it altogether. I realise that that is easier said than done.

Can you revert to the original form you had with the more detailed breakdown of finances? If he agreed to that previously, then send that in without any further consultation with him. If you have to attend court, you can self-represent if you’re fully conversant with the facts.

I had excellent (and expensive) legal advice re my divorce (many years ago) but self-represented in court as I’d already paid a small fortune in legal fees and was prepared to go to court on my own to avoid further costs.

Your ex is trying to control you and the process by being obstructive. The courts see this behaviour all the time. Stop enabling him to do that straight away and you’ll feel stronger and more capable of dealing with it all. (As far as I know, inheritances, future marriage etc won’t be taken into account at all, so don’t waste your energy thinking about all that stuff.)

You need to disentangle your emotions about his possible future inheritance- not relevant and his girlfriend and what might happen

ficus on what is a fair split of the assets you have as a married couple and why you need a greater share. The judge would have asked for information. Focus only on providing that

Thanks both. I know, I'm trying to detach myself from his behavior, he's is quite controlling.

I have given the solicitor the important information and asked her to write our own letter laying that out, I'll tell him if he wants to send in his own too then that's up to him, I'm not paying for it.

The thing I want to know is if he won't sign something to explain the split, is it likely to be signed off by the judge? Or are they expecting to hear from him too?

And if the whole thing stalls because he won't reply with just the facts of the split, where would I stand if I just leave it, carry on without a consent order and split the money from the sale as we agreed?

As he's likely to get married anyway, would that cancel the right to then come back to me for more money later?

You need to ask your solicitor all these questions. However, what I would say is that you should do everything that the court/judge asks you to do and also follow your solicitor’s advice. I’m not sure why you bother asking/telling your ex about any of it. He’s an adult and can take responsibility for his own actions, or lack of. Also, I’d have thought you’d put yourself in a far better position by getting the finances signed off in court rather than just abandoning them and hoping for the best. You need this situation to be cut and dried so you can move on.

I am trying to do what they've asked, but as it's a consent order I have to ask him to agree to sign the letter with further details, if he doesn't they won't sign it off.

Every time I email the solicitor it costs me money that I don't have, so I'm trying to get an idea from people who might have been through this before.

I have to tell him what needs to happen next because he hasn't got a clue.

I've told the solicitor I'm leaving it until after Christmas and I'll wait on him, if he won't sign something to explain he's happy with the current agreement on the consent order then we will have to start again I guess 🤷 but he's paying for it this time! I'm not paying out to do it all over again and I'm definitely insisting on mediation.

And yes I do need it sorted, I can't be worried about this until I die just in case he tries to take my pension or my new house. Just angry he's put me in this position. If he wasn't happy with the consent order then he shouldn't have signed it.

Just wondering what happened with this @Theghostofchristmasarse ? I am in somewhat similar situation where I though I had agreed a settlement with ex, and now that my solicitor has written it up he won't respond. Same as you, I can't afford this, I thought the hard part was done! How (if you did) did you get things moving again?