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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

AIBU to leave him for saying hurtful things and refusing to drive me to A&E for a suspected heart issue?

16 replies

prettytoxic · 06/12/2025 23:07

He has said various things to explain himself when we have discussed the A&E thing including: He knew I'd be fine so he didn't take it seriously when I said (NHS 111 told me) I needed to go to A&E for suspected atrial fibrillation 2) I didn't explain myself properly/make it clear I needed to go with my tone of voice 3) He doesn't know why he didn't take me but he won't do it again and it's in the past/I was fine, so stop going on about it.

The terrible mother comment he said was meant to hurt me (I had said I wanted to separate shortly before) and he said it was in the context of me letting our daughter have some extra screen time at the kitchen table when I was cleaning up after baking cupcakes with her. I can see why relying on TV occasionally to distract her while I get stuff done isn't ideal parenting, but I've really been at my limit with stress and chronic illness and so screen time sometimes seems a better option than me breaking down in tears while trying to parent. He is equally indulgent with screen time when it suits him so it's not like I'd broken a rule we'd agreed. Anyway, I'm over-justifying now because I cannot seem to trust myself these days. I know I'm a good mother overall but would be better if I wasn't so stressed and unhappy. The "you have no personality" comment is probably because I feel worn down and it shows. There are other hurtful things he's said done/over the years that are similar.

I feel he gaslights me without realising he is doing it. So maybe it's not gaslighting. But he denies things I know happened/changes his story and I never seem to know if he's annoyed or not. He denies being angry even when I'm sure I can sense he is. So I think maybe I'm wrong/being paranoid like he says I am. But then he'll occasionally really lose his temper. Like the time he slammed my laptop shut while I was using it because I didn't want to discuss something further with him and another time he pushed me during an argument (not hard, I wasn't hurt and it's never escalated beyond that. I'd actually forgotten about it until a friend reminded me of a conversation I'd had with her afterwards).

It all feels worse in my head since I'm not earning like I used to and have to ask him for money for the most basic things. He also does not take any of my concerns about our current home seriously, even though I'm 99% sure we have a serious mould and damp issue that is making us all ill to varying degrees but me especially.

At other times he can be gentle and kind and is fairly good at sharing the parenting load, in comparison to some partners. I just don't know if I can feel safe emotionally with him or trust him after all the times he's hurt me/I've felt emotionally abandoned. Am I being unreasonable/too sensitive? Maybe I'm just too sensitive for him? As I feel he can be quite insensitive!

If this sounds familiar to anyone, I have posted before in relationships and am ashamed to say not much has changed since then.

OP posts:
TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 06/12/2025 23:10

He sounds horrible. Aggressive and unkind. Prepared to use violence at times. You must not minimise this.

And yes, he's been gaslighting you.
You need to break up with him. Nothing is good about this relationship.

GreyCloudsLooming · 07/12/2025 10:19

You don’t want to be with him, so best break up.

AutumnFroglets · 07/12/2025 11:04

I have posted before in relationships and am ashamed to say not much has changed since then.

So what do you want from THIS thread? A safe(ish) place to vent before going back to living in hell? To ask for sympathy (you probably won't get any)? Or to get help with a clear plan to leave?

Quite honestly OP, unless you leave he's going to end up killing you one way or another. And then what happens to your DC?

Donttellempike · 07/12/2025 11:08

He’s horrible. Leave

Original poster
prettytoxic · 07/12/2025 12:19

AutumnFroglets · 07/12/2025 11:04

I have posted before in relationships and am ashamed to say not much has changed since then.

So what do you want from THIS thread? A safe(ish) place to vent before going back to living in hell? To ask for sympathy (you probably won't get any)? Or to get help with a clear plan to leave?

Quite honestly OP, unless you leave he's going to end up killing you one way or another. And then what happens to your DC?

I know, it’s pathetic, right? I guess I’m looking for validation again in the hope that it makes me act. I can’t stop swinging between thinking he’s the problem or the other extreme of it all being my fault. I don’t what to be a victim or someone who complains but does nothing but here we are. Honestly I haven’t always been like this.

OP posts:
WildflowerB · 07/12/2025 12:38

prettytoxic · 07/12/2025 12:19

I know, it’s pathetic, right? I guess I’m looking for validation again in the hope that it makes me act. I can’t stop swinging between thinking he’s the problem or the other extreme of it all being my fault. I don’t what to be a victim or someone who complains but does nothing but here we are. Honestly I haven’t always been like this.

Show quote history

This is what happens in abusive relationships. It’s like boiled frog syndrome. You become someone you didn’t used to be & you feel more & more stuck & passive.
I found reading Too Good to Stay, Too Bad to Leave helpful. I also really recommend getting support from Women’s Aid if you can. This doesn’t sound like a safe relationship for you. And by the way you are allowed to occasionally put the TV on!

cestlavielife · 07/12/2025 12:40

Bullies and abusers are always nice sometimes. Stop being taken in. Make your plans.

Soontobe60 · 07/12/2025 13:02

Regardless as to who may be to blame, you’re not happy with him, so you are allowed to not stay with him.

Devuelta81 · 07/12/2025 13:07

He sounds very much like my ex. Honestly life is so much better since I left. This swinging between alternate versions of reality is what the gaslighting does to you - whether or not he intends it or just has a very poor grip on reality himself (I was never sure of that with mine either).

But yes, from an outside perspective, he is the problem.

Ariel896 · 07/12/2025 13:08

Is anybody else shocked at the high volume of women posting about how abusive their husbands are at the moment?!?!

AutumnFroglets · 08/12/2025 10:28

I can’t stop swinging between thinking he’s the problem or the other extreme of it all being my fault.

You need to stop this. Right now, just stop. It's time to be honest with yourself.
If you really can't tell who is at fault then let's break it down.

If he is the problem then he will never change, there is nothing you can do to make him change. Begging, pleading, asking for compassion, love, support will all fail because he doesn't care enough. He doesn't like you, he doesn't want you. He just wants someone to make his life easier. Not the real you, any body will do. And right now it's easier to stay rather than find another body who he can fool.

If you are the problem then what can you do to change the dynamic? Die or become a mute slave or leave are your only options here as you have probably exhausted all the others by now. Add in the kicker that once he finds another body he will probably leave anyway so the first two options are a waste of you.

Perhaps it's nobody's fault this relationship isn't working as you are two opposite people with different hopes, dreams and personalities which are creating a toxic environment for you both. You cannot work on it, you cannot compromise, counselling will fail. It will only get worse if you stay.

Based on all three questions what is the answer to all of them? Leaving. So you can (both) be happy. And alive. It's time to grow up and make your own way in life, there is no white knight to save you so stop waiting around and dig deep. You can do it, hundreds of women already have. Join them Flowers

FenceBooksCycle · 08/12/2025 10:45

He sounds awful. He completely centres himself in all histhought processes and you are only behaving correctly and well when you are fitting in with his expectations (in which case he is gentle and kind and nice) but any time you have needs or thoughts of your own that don't centre him, it's you that's the problem. Yes you should get rid of him.

Original poster
prettytoxic · 08/12/2025 11:45

Devuelta81 · 07/12/2025 13:07

He sounds very much like my ex. Honestly life is so much better since I left. This swinging between alternate versions of reality is what the gaslighting does to you - whether or not he intends it or just has a very poor grip on reality himself (I was never sure of that with mine either).

But yes, from an outside perspective, he is the problem.

It’s interesting as it’s almost like he has different memories depending on which version of him is currently activated. The kind version of him can’t seem to remember saying or doing or saying the hurtful things and so denies it “that doesn’t even sound like me! I’d never say/do that”!).

I used to think it was extreme anger he struggled with but on reflection I think he’s always in control of himself, he doesn’t truly lose his cool or get upset. Unlike me who cries frequently and has to take deep breaths to calm down. I think that’s partly why I feel so triggered by him, as he seems so utterly unaffected by the ups and downs in our relationship. He’s said “if you left I wouldn’t beg you to take me back”. He didn’t need to say that as I already knew he wouldn’t. I’ve never seen him cry or even seem choked up or emotional in 14 years!

OP posts:
Original poster
prettytoxic · 08/12/2025 11:49

WildflowerB · 07/12/2025 12:38

This is what happens in abusive relationships. It’s like boiled frog syndrome. You become someone you didn’t used to be & you feel more & more stuck & passive.
I found reading Too Good to Stay, Too Bad to Leave helpful. I also really recommend getting support from Women’s Aid if you can. This doesn’t sound like a safe relationship for you. And by the way you are allowed to occasionally put the TV on!

Show quote history

Thank you for saying this. I’ll check out that book, too.

OP posts:
Original poster
prettytoxic · 08/12/2025 12:04

AutumnFroglets · 08/12/2025 10:28

I can’t stop swinging between thinking he’s the problem or the other extreme of it all being my fault.

You need to stop this. Right now, just stop. It's time to be honest with yourself.
If you really can't tell who is at fault then let's break it down.

If he is the problem then he will never change, there is nothing you can do to make him change. Begging, pleading, asking for compassion, love, support will all fail because he doesn't care enough. He doesn't like you, he doesn't want you. He just wants someone to make his life easier. Not the real you, any body will do. And right now it's easier to stay rather than find another body who he can fool.

If you are the problem then what can you do to change the dynamic? Die or become a mute slave or leave are your only options here as you have probably exhausted all the others by now. Add in the kicker that once he finds another body he will probably leave anyway so the first two options are a waste of you.

Perhaps it's nobody's fault this relationship isn't working as you are two opposite people with different hopes, dreams and personalities which are creating a toxic environment for you both. You cannot work on it, you cannot compromise, counselling will fail. It will only get worse if you stay.

Based on all three questions what is the answer to all of them? Leaving. So you can (both) be happy. And alive. It's time to grow up and make your own way in life, there is no white knight to save you so stop waiting around and dig deep. You can do it, hundreds of women already have. Join them Flowers

Thank you. While tough to read (your replies have left me wondering if you are frustrated with or irritated by me) I can see your perspective and valid points. I do need to take responsibility for my life.

OP posts:
AutumnFroglets · 08/12/2025 22:18

No OP, I am not irritated by you. But I was you three years ago. My post was my own thought processes regarding my own situation and I realised there was nothing I could do to make my life better except leave or die. I chose life, and I sincerely hope you do too Flowers

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