I wanted the separation - so why do I feel so anxious?

[Shouldhavedonesomethingbefore]

Two months in and a lot of the physical symptoms of stress I had when he was here - poor sleep, grinding my teeth - have gone.

But I feel incredibly anxious, especially when I’m on my own. And I’m constantly wondering if I’m enough on my own for the DCs - even though I always did most of the emotional and practical heavy lifting.

The first Christmas will be hard - the DCs want us to all spend the day together. (And it’s so recent I don’t want to say no).

I think it might be that all the emotions I locked up during the years of unhappiness and fear of his moods are all coming out now. But it’s so hard.

Has anyone else experienced this? How did you cope?

I left 8 months ago and remember posting on MN within the first week (hahah!!) asking how soon I would feel normal again, and everyone was coming on talking about the first year being so hard, I wasn’t really ready to hear that!
I think Christmas is a big part of the problem though - mad as this sounds, I would occasionally think about Christmas in May or July and have an absolute anxious panic. As it turns out we are also going to spend it together as that’s what the DCs want (well, actually they just said they won’t spend it without me, and I certainly don’t feel up to doing it alone and the idea of spending it with my own family is also horrifying!).
But when you said about the years of locked up emotions - yep, that sounds very familiar. I know I’m not even close to processing years of gaslighting and emotional abuse, I need to start therapy but on a very long waiting list. Sometimes I feel sane and normal but often when the children are with their dad I am incapable of doing anything and have a lot of physical symptoms of stress and anxiety still as well.
so I’m afraid I can’t offer any solutions, but definitely solidarity! Sending you a big hug

That all makes so much sense @Teeteringonthebrink45- though feeling like this for a year would be tough! I hope it all feels better once Christmas is out of the way. His stuff is still here though - he’s staying in a friend’s place and being vague about when he’ll actually get his own place.

Fear of the unknown, it gets better x

It's too early to have proper closure if his things are still there and Christmas is almost the same again. The anxiety might be because you're a bit in limbo and even then big changes can sometimes make people feel anxious even if you know its the right decision. You'll be fine. Just go with it. You are enough for your dcs. You just need to get your confidence back which you will do.

i hate the anxiety too. When the DC are with him I can barely do anything. I do make myself clean and try and do normal things but I can’t make it to the gym or any of the things I had imagined myself doing with my new free time.

a shared Christmas would be hard. Well done on enduring that. I have been finding the Christmas chats hard work. Today putting the stockings up and there being one less was like a punch in the stomach. Left me feeling very low and having a cry.

if you can do a shared Christmas for the sake of your DC and to make it not awkward and no underlying tension then well done you. I know I am not capable of putting on a front any longer. We’re sharing the day.

I dread bringing anything up with my ex. He’s a bully and manipulative and so I feel very anxious and shaky before raising anything with him.

I’m sorry @Beachlovingirl- sounds very familiar, though he’s on his best behaviour at the moment. Youngest DC wanted him to get the tree/be there while we decorated it yesterday. It was WEIRD… playing happy families. Both DCs said so (separately) - but he didn’t get that at all. He just has no understanding of of other people’s emotions… Really not looking forward to Christmas Day.

This resonates so much with me! We separated in October because the conversation arose and we both appeared to be on the same page (I’ve thought about it for years and sadly not been brave enough to do anything) but if you’d have asked me before October I’d have said I wouldn’t want to do anything before Christmas. I couldn’t imagine spending it with my parents - would be the pits. As it happens we are spending it together with his family and not telling them until the new year. Hopefully this means by next Christmas things will feel better!