Avoidant or narcissistic? New girlfriend 3 weeks later.

[Dreamknits]

It’s a long one I will try to keep it brief.
I had been married to my husband for one year, we had a planned pregnancy and he began to withdraw physically and emotionally (although he has never done well with deep emotions or the ability to empathise) He said pregnancy made him feel “weird” in terms of sex/intimacy. Pregnancy was an incredibly lonely time. Baby born, further withdraws, spends his whole life at the gym. I had various heartfelt discussions about how i needed help and support, this created further distance. When my son was 4 months old he walked, saying he was going to get cat food and didn’t return. I had concerns he had PPD, his behaviour changes seemed so sudden, for example he became very angry following the birth of our son. He has always been conflict avoidant, has always stone walled, has always refused to talk about anything deeply emotional.

Weve spent the past 6 months trying to “work at it” although he hasn’t come back home and honestly, didn’t really try. I attempted different methods of communication, he was very detached but still claimed to love me, and wanted to work on it. He was unable to sacrifice any of his independence and considered me controlling (an example of this is he wanted to go to the gym on a Sunday, our only day together as a family and I wanted it to remain free for family time)

Anyway, within 2 weeks of us having the “nothing is changing” discussion, I see he’s got a new girlfriend and they are “serious”. I am obviously heartbroken, he is now splitting the time he has free with her and the children… and he didn’t turn up for our daughter on Sunday stating he wasn’t coming because of “my behaviour”
Since the birth of my son, he has become verbally and emotionally abusive. Like a panicked boy. The only thing I feel I am guilty of is sharing my needs/wmotions… this often results in him leaving.

He meets the criteria of a dismissive avoidant. But also has narcissistic “qualities” I’m trying to make sense of this because he will not give me answers. He now tells me to “respect his boundary and only talk about the children” via email. His preferred method of contact.

The problem is I’m heartbroken and I’m wondering if he will realise the grass isn’t greener? It’s so hard to go no contact, with the children. I can’t understand why he would get into a new relationship so quickly. We have a baby. Is this girl a rebound? What if they last and it was all my fault like he said?

Talk me down off the ledge please!

I'd swerve the attachment theories and armchair diagnosis' of personality disorders and learn about domestic abusers. Why does he do that by Lundy Buncroft is very good. He feels entitled to an easy life.

I agree-whatever 'condition' he might have he is behaving like a complete cunt toward you and your family and that's not okay.

I will add I am a psychiatric nurse by background which I suppose has influenced a lot of “what is going on for you?”

Echo everything others have said. I say this because I've done the same - trying to understand someone's appalling behaviour is very natural but self-defeating. Whatever his personality issues are, it's yourself and your poor kids you need to focus on (as I'm sure you are). I'll keep this very very short - have you consulted a solicitor yet? If not, make an appointment to see one for a free, 30-minute consultation today - choose one that specialises in family law. Remember this - he is not your friend. Do not share any information with him, apart from essentials related to the children (as he has asked). This is a massive shock for you and my heart goes out - but you will be better off without him.

Girl im so sorry you are going through this. Typical avoidant behaviour from him, shuts down, can't handle emotional vulnerability, runs from responsibility and accountability. I've just left my avoidant partner as couldn't survive his breadcrumbs. This girl is a rebound and feels 'safe' to him as there's no pressure to man up and be vulnerable at the moment but she'll get the same shit treatment before long. My advice would be heal yourself, this isn't about you it's his demons. go as low contact as possible, gray rock him. Read up on avoidant/anxious attatchment and realise you're worth more. Sorry you are having such a hard time. It feels like the end of the world right now but it isn't. He's a piece of shit. you're not. get rid. Know your worth. You deserve so much more.

Normal male human. They don’t hang around and ponder what is life they get a new gf.

This girl is 10 years younger and also has a child of about 3 years old. In what world? He has three children. It makes NO sense to me. It’s so very hurtful.

Ironically, spending all your time trying to diagnose him is a way of avoiding feeling the grief, anger or whatever is there for you in response to realising your ex has treated you like crap and your marriage is sadly over. It's painful, can be heartbreaking to face, and one way to delay the pain is to escape into our heads, trying to analyse and understand. Accepting we're powerless can be agony so we have a fantasy that if we can just work out WHY then we'll have some control.

Presumably he was already seeing this new woman or at least lining her up. Spending so much time at the gym etc.

Sorry you're going through this but see if you can give yourself permission to just let him go.

He has always been conflict avoidant, has always stone walled, has always refused to talk about anything deeply emotional.

I'm wondering why you wanted to stay with someone like this? It sounds like a very lonely relationship for you.

This is very true and something I think about a lot, I have recently started therapy and this is something to be explored.
Perhaps it’s the familiarity, or not wanting to break my family up.

Does he have ASD?

Oh please stop!

No.

Pretty certain my ex is a psychopath. That's only helpful for me to understand there is nothing I can do to change him and his behaviours, either before or now in his interactions with DD. All you can do is focus on what you can do to protect yourself and your children. Get some support for yourself so you can see it's a good thing he has left. Contact via email and just about children is a positive thing.

Have you got support in real life @Dreamknits ? He sounds like a nightmare and you're obviously so hurt. I think putting a label on it can be part of trying to come to terms with the separation, but in reality, the label isn't so important. Avoidants are incredibly self-absorbed in relationships. The selfish behaviour isn't really motivated by narcissism (it has different reasons/origins) but the effect on the other person is the same. I'm sorry it hurts so much.

Exactly this. It isn't worth analysing them.
Just do your best to move on @Dreamknits I know it's hard, especially when you've got young children.

Yes.
I can feel your pain through your posts.

It was very, very cruel of him to do this to you and your children.

I would put money on this not being a new girlfriend. He's either been having an affair for a while, or he's been interested/texting since before your pregnancy. That's why he withdrew - he was most likely telling her you don't have sex anymore, etc, and yet here is evidence that you do.

He may well want to come back when he sees the grass isn't greener, but would you ever trust him again? I couldn't live that life.

He may well want to come back when he sees the grass isn't greener, but would you ever trust him again? I couldn't live that life.

Neither could I.
You'd never know if he was going to do it again.

Yes, it's likely that he was having an affair, rather than that he has just met this woman.

It doesn't matter what psychological excuse you make for him, he walked out and immediately met someone else, or more likely had met them while you were pregnant. Dump him, his mental problems (if any) are someone else's problems now. Unfortunately you will have to co-parent for the next 18 years, but apart from that disengage.