Is this the right thing?

[Tish8891]

I’ve been married 11 years and together for 19 years. But over the last few months I’ve been generally unhappy in our marriage. It’s nothing he has done, I love him but the love has definitely changed. I have told him I want to leave because I am no longer happy in our marriage. We have a 8 year old daughter who doesn’t know yet and with it being Xmas in a few weeks we want to wait to tell her and not ruin her Xmas spirit.

am I being unreasonable? He is understandably upset and confused but is guilt tripping me. I stand by my decision and if it turns out I’m wrong then that’s my own fault but right now I want out. I don’t wanna work on it.

Nobody can answer that question for you I’m afraid.

I’ve gone through phases in my marriage where I’ve felt like you, then things have improved again (and gone down and up again!)

You need to pinpoint why you feel like you do - it didn’t just happen for no reason.

I think by the time you put all of that out there and you've had his response AND you're aware of how difficult this will be for your daughter, let alone the whole family, it's obvious you've given this a lot of thought. Your last sentence of your original post is your declaration of truth. When in doubt, read those words back.

Just because things will be bumpy and difficult doesn't mean it's wrong or you're wrong. If you want a rebirth, you have to go through a labour and I think you know this. Birth is painful. Transformation isn't an easy journey. Think of the glory of the butterfly and what it undergoes to become that beautiful creature that it is.

And yes, it's hard (I filed for divorce 5 years ago this past October and I have children so I do understand the gravity of such a decision). And yes, there are days that feel like Everest climbs. And bearing the brunt of the responsibility does sometimes terrify me (in my case, my children's father lost PR so he never sees them). But never, ever, ever do I sit there and go, "I want it all back. I want my marriage back." Never. Not once. Ever.
You can mourn the end of a marriage and yes, you can even mourn your husband while also not regretting the divorce. You can mourn and look forward at the same time. Both things can be experienced at once. I often feel sad about my ex. I feel very sad that we didn't become what I had hoped for, that we never were what I kept waiting for us to be. That sadness doesn't intersect with the incredible peace and joy I experience in my life as a divorced older woman. I wouldn't trade the life I have cultivated and who I have grown into for the world. It doesn't mean I don't sit with the past sometimes. Of course I do. And so will you because your marriage is part of your story and your daughter's, and she is the greatest result of that marriage. It's all worth it- the madness of it all.
If you do make your decision to divorce, do so unapologetically, with fierce honesty. And I hope that you and your husband can divorce with dignity, though divorce rattles our trust in one another. But I do hope that some dignity can remain in tact so that you can form a friendship in the future, once trust is restored. Just make sure your daughter's priorities are at the top of the pyramid. Don't sacrifice your own needs but be willing to compromise in certain areas. I wish you luck and peace, above all else. Take your time. Make good decisions and give them the consideration they deserve. 💐

A couple of months sounds like a short amount of time to be feeling like this however people don’t usually reach this point overnight. Most of the time the unhappiness has been building for a long while before it is finally said it out loud.

Every marriage goes through its ups and downs but generally you still want to work on it and try everything to make it work first - so it sounds to me like you’ve already emotionally checked out. Being honest about your feelings isn’t unreasonable and it’s better than staying and silently resenting him for months / years like lots of people do (myself included).