Why am I so upset about new girlfriend staying at ex husbands house? (Our marital home)

[Needtorelax1]

Hi everyone. Think I just need a hug to be honest 😔 need to know if what I am feeling is normal.

i left my husband in February after 8 or so years of being very unhappy. When we split he told me I am boring because I don’t like to go out getting drunk anymore, said he hasn’t been attracted to me for years, and said that me going into my dream career of holistic therapy was just f**g weird. Needless to say I’m a bit of a shell of myself after this. We lost a daughter 12 years ago but after speaking to a counsellor regularly, there has been a lot of narcissistic behaviour and gaslighting from him making me question my sanity at times to be honest. I have a 13 year old beautiful daughter with him.
we divorced in September and he has a new girlfriend that he has been seeing for 3 months. Chloe, 46…he’s told me she’s petite and brunette so already I’m comparing myself and I know I shouldn’t 😥
Anywya this weekend I have my daughter and he said to me..’if she wants to come and get anything that she might have forgotten then please give me notice because Chloe is coming for the weekend’
why am I so sad about this..I don’t love him. In fact I will never forget the awful things he has said to me since the split. I think I’m terrified of my daughter having another mum figure in her life when we are so close. But the thought that she is in my old home that I had to leave and will sleep in my old bed…it’s just a lot 😥 since the split he has had his eyes lasered, has hit the gym, is sunbedding it etc…didn’t ever do that with me.
please tell me I’m not weird and that this is normal?

I think you are right and you need a hug. 🫂

He sounds like someone you are well rid of but it’s still normal to have conflicting emotions that you don’t quite know what to do with.

I’m sorry about your daughter dying. I hope having a counsellor to talk to is beneficial.

Your 13 year old DD is very unlikely to see a new woman as mum figure especially since he doesn’t seem to want them to meet (at the moment anyway).

Sorry to hear this, I thin it's like you said you're worried about the relationship your daughter might have with his new girlfriend. I imagine that would be hard but you will also be her mum so I would hope that your relationship won't change. She might develop a relationship with her, she might not, but I think stay neutral on it and it will play out as it does.

About the house, again I can see that would be hard as you lived there and will have lots of happy memories so this will also be hard.
Him going to the gym etc, fuck him, you're well rid!

It sounds like you're grieving and I think that's totally normal. It's one thing to split but I can't imagine how hard it would be to feel like someone is living the life you should have had.
Whilst I haven't been in your shoes, I have dealt with a narcissist and the fall out of that and I really struggled with feelings of I should hate this person so why am I sad. My therapist at the time said that in a way I was grieving not for the real person and how they behaved but for the life I should have had and the role they should have played. Maybe it's you seeing someone in a role that should be you but couldn't because of how your ex was. It doesn't mean you suddenly want him back, just that you can see what could have been if he was not himself.
As for your relationship with your daughter, again I think it's completely natural to be worried about a new woman in her life. At the beginning she might even seem a bit bright and shiny to your daughter but at the end of the day you'll always be her mum and if this gf sticks, if you can, maybe think of it as a good thing someone will be at her dad's to ensure she's being treated as you would want when you aren't there.

His actions are not a reflection of you, before during or after the relationship. It's so hard but try not to see it as some inference to your worth. He's just a shitty person who's feeling an ego boost and the honeymoon period will always end because he can change how he looks but not how he thinks.

He went to a wedding in August with my daughter and ended up with a 26 year old…he’s 52 😔 it’s just really hard when my confidence has upped and left

Sometimes it’s okay to share with your children how you’re feeling as long as it’s not OTT. Your daughter is 13-she’s at an age where you can let her in a bit on your feelings. You could say something to her like: I want you to have a positive relationship with anyone Dad is seeing but it just sometimes makes me worried about how it might impact on how you feel about me as your mum because I love you so much.

As long as it’s not said in any kind of weeping hysterical way you can get your point across and get rid of some of this pent up anxiety. She might not have realised that you feel like this and it’s very likely she’ll want to reassure you.

as for him, he sounds like such a dick. He might have a bit of a honeymoon period with his new girlfriend but fundamentally he’s not a nice person and you are well rid.

I just am at a loss of how much I didn’t see when I was with him. I have struggled with my mental health in the past with anxiety. But he has told everyone (his family and all of our old mutual friends) that I’m nuts and ‘off the rails’..not one of them has spoken to me since February. I know I’m a very good mum to my daughter she is my world so to know what he has said is really tough. I was a stepmum to his daughter for 17 years who I worked so very hard to build a relationship with and helped her hugely through ann eating disorder etc when she was 12, and she cut me out as though I was nothing. it’s just been such a brutal year and I think maybe im feeling it a bit because Christmas is coming, it’s my birthday on Christmas Day, and in all honesty I just want to hide until it’s all over 😥
espeically knowing that he will be loving life with his new petite brunette 😔

How much communication are you having with him? If child arrangements are sorted and your daughter has her own phone for last minute changes then I think you should say email only is fine.

I think you’re right. I had to go last week to his to sign over our life insurance policies and that’s when he said about her coming over. I am trying to distance myself as much as I can xx

People tend to allign with like minds. The 'you' I'm reading from your OP is someone kind, sensitive, not into going out and getting drunk. You also now work in a career a lot of people view with disdain and think of as a bit weird.
I'd have much more in common with you, but if you've also changed from the person you were, it's not surprising many have sided with your ex, they always pick a team.
Your feelings on the house and GF appear to stem from your worries about the relationship you have with DD. At least your DH considered her feelings and told you his GF would be there. You need to seperate the two, at 13, DD is old enough to have a phone to communicate with her DF. You don't need to know every detail of his life.

You’re not missing HIM, you’re feeling the unfairness of him being supposedly happy and moving on when he was the mean one. You need to try not to care about what he does, it’s not worth it. Focus on your peace and happiness.

It will get easier just watch out for poor Chloe. She might need support in the future if he’s as bad as you say he is.

@kittywittyandprettyI am in shock I think about the way he has been since the split. I do wish her luck I have to be honest

He's a prick.

How about if our DD forgets anything and needs it, she will contact you regardless of whether Chloe is there or not, because she is your DD and she always comes first beyond your girlfriend.

He's maybe trying to keep them separate but you're not there to facilitate his love life FFS, you're raising a child together.

Sending you a big hug, OP.

I left 18 months ago and I'm mostly doing OK, have a lovely new man in my life who treats me much better than my ex ever did.
And yet I do still feel sad at times, and it definitely is grieving for what could have/should have been.
My ex also has someone new and is unrecognisable.
I find myself asking why couldn't he have treated me the way he treats her, or how my new man treats me? The only answer that makes sense is: he didn't want to.
And so I grieve the years I stayed in a loveless marriage, bring gaslit into believing that I was asking for too much, until I couldn't take it any more.
I miss my old home, my family life with my kids (now students so mostly not there), and the happy times like holidays.
And it hurts when I think of someone else taking my place, especially as I walked away with practically nothing, all the furniture and decor I left so the kids' home remained untouched.
I agree that this time of year is hard.
And this is, as I said, having found love again.
So have another hug. x

Thankyou so very much. It’s just a poignant time isn’t it. He earns a hell of a lot of money but because of the way he was with me (told me that if I take him to the cleaners he would tell his solicitor that I was a danger to myself and daughter….i struggled with anxiety ffs) I left with a lot less than I should have. But I’m a peace with that now. I think you are so right…why couldn’t he be the same with me as he is with her. He played the character of the world’s biggest victim when I left. Isolated me to within an inch of my life…I had to sleep in the spare room on a blow up bed for months while he remained in our bed etc. Second to losing my baby girl it was the toughest time of my life. And yet 6 months after I leave…he’s got a new girl and everything is rickety. I think it’s just hard to accept that I lost everything while he cracks on as though it was the best thing that ever happened to him. As you say…it’s quite clear that he just didn’t want to xx

Huge hugs x

He hasn’t had a personality transplant just because he’s got a new girlfriend.

He’s given himself a glow-up because he knows (either consciously or subconsciously) that he needs a new girlfriend to boost his ego/finances, help out with the dishes, become a free nanny etc. Once she’s more or less locked in he will drop the mask and start treating her just as badly as he treated you.

Feel sorry for her, that’s all, and draw very strong boundaries around what you let into your headspace (ie do not look her up on social media, do not engage in conversation with him about her, etc, in fact, ideally only communicate by email). No way should you be allowing an abusive ex to bait you with information like her being a “petite brunette”. Anyone that toxic should not get direct communication access to you.

Your daughter will likely not see Chloeas a mum figure at all, even if she gets along all right with her, so please don’t worry about that. Besides, she will probably not last long as abusers tend to get worse with age, in my experience.

He’s currently love bombing/interviewing/recruiting your replacement, because women are like appliances. When one stops working, you get another one.

Don’t fall for the image he’s portraying, you know him better.

It’s ok to be sad about the life you thought you were going to have, but better to be upbeat about having turned things around now.

As dd’s 13 now, you don’t have to communicate with him if you feel he’s gaslighting you. Make him go via her, don’t let him in the house, block his number on your phone.