How often should he see the children?

[sladtheinkaler]

Children are older - aged 13 - 19. Prior to him leaving, we all lived together like a very happy family; dinner at the table every night, weekend outings, shared the load of sports practice and lifts etc. He was very involved in their lives.

He left on the 15th Nov. He saw them for a couple of hours on Sunday 23rd afternoon, and dropped them home saying he'd see them again on th 7th Dec. I feel like this is very little for kids who are reeling from the trauma of him leaving.

I'm reassuring them that of course Dad hasn't left them. He's still their dad, and not being married to me won't affect how much he loves them. But they're not stupid. He IS stupid, and it might just be that he hasn't realised that he's not seeing them often enough to reassure them that he is still their dad.

What do you think? Is he seeing them enough?

No he isn’t. Unfortunately you are quite limited about what you can do about it though if he doesn’t want to see them more

You can’t force a non-resident parent to see their kids if they don’t want to, though of course they should maintain regular contact. You could suggest gently that this is a massive change and not great for the kids, but I would stop short of dictating what he should or shouldn’t do. Is he in a new relationship he’s prioritising? If so, shame on him, but you still can’t make him do what’s right. Just be there for your children, reassure them that he still loves them. If he carries on this way, they will reach their own conclusions. The worst thing is to tell kids that their other parent is shit (even if they are). If that’s the case, they will reach that conclusion on their own, in time.

No, I realise I can't dictate how often he sees them. I think I can probably gently suggest to him that it would be good for them to see him more often. I am being very supportive of their continued relationship with him and I'm not badmouthing him - but they're older and not stupid.

Yes, the reason he can't be arsed is because he has an exciting new relationship. He has told me very explicitly that he is leaving me AND the kids. Our family is not what he wants.

The only thing I care about is the kids - I don't really want them to realise the extent of his rejection of us. It would break them. They love him so much. At the same time, he has lied to us all for a long time and I think it's important that I don't lie to them about important stuff. They need one parent utterly in their corner and that's me, but it's a tricky path to navigate.

Due to their ages, there shouldnt be any comms with you. Let them have a group chat if they dont already have one for the kids to keep contact. At the end of the day, kids will vote with their feet. When your ex realises, it will be too late.

All you can do is emotionally support the children.

Ideally he should be seeing them about half the time. He should be setting up a home that is theirs and where they feel comfortable and completely welcome at all times.

however, if he has announced that his plan to leave you and the children behind, it may be best if he just drops out entirely. Sporadic contact isn’t good for them. Parents need to be reliable

I'm a single parent

It started off me having them all the time but went to my ex every other weekend

Now I have them 24/7 but if I want to go out they will do childcare

We have a good relationship which probably helps

But it's rare they ask to have the kids and do something planned with them

I think the fact they left somewhat means they don't want that lifestyle anymore

I don't stress it, I just enjoy more time with the kids

What would the children like? My husband left me with no warning at all. He would like to see the kids a lot but they only want to see once a week or so.

Of course he should be seeing them a lot more than that, and physically and emotionally available to them 24/7, same as you are.

But that's up to him. Your role now is to let the children reach their own acceptance of his behaviour, and that is bloody hard.

They will be disappointed, but you can't protect them from this. You just have to find a way of supporting them. Counselling might help.

I think the minimum he should be seeing them is EOW plus one night in the week. That seems like the starting point to me. But ideally more.

He might not WANT the kids, but maybe you could try and remind him they’re actually his and he needs to have them x often because you have things you need to do too. Even if you aren’t busy it might remind him his kids are his responsibility, not his hobby

He should be seeing them approx 50% of the time.

I'd work from the expectation that he does what he did before. For example, if he picks up DC2 from swimming at 8pm on a Wednesday I'd expect him to continue with that. And with all his other commitments.

Don't let absenteeism set in.

Of course you can't actually make him do anything. Just strongly suggest.

They won't be "broken", they will however learn a valuable if brutal life lesson. They will survive then thrive without the prick, because they have you.

Its all very new at the minute.
Where's he staying - can he actually organise proper contact yet?

24/7 half of every week. But he won’t. As most men don’t.

Watching with interest @sladtheinkaler- as I’m in a very similar position. Recently separated, DCs same age group. Ex-DH says the right things but is actually being pretty shite.

Youngest has told me twice she’s not seeing him enough. He gets defensive when I tell him/blames me.

The shiteness isn’t surprising - but FGS why can’t they even do this right?!?

An afternoon every two weeks isn’t remotely parenting.

However, the 19yr old could be at uni and only seeing him in the holidays.

The younger ones though- shit. I can’t imagine saying I was ‘leaving my kids’.

If he hadn’t said that, I’d chime in with ways to talk to him about it but what’s the point?

What is his family like, can you build the connection with grandparents and aunts/uncles?

@Shouldhavedonesomethingbefore I'm very sorry that you're dealing with the same thing. It's so exhausting and frustrating. I ended up speaking to mine - not for me or for him, but for the kids. I explained to him that they were reeling from him waking away from our family unit, and feeling very unsure if he still wanted to be their dad. He got defensive and said that they were being funny with him, and that he messages them every day and gets very short replies from the eldest. FFS. I gently and calmly explained that she was heartbroken and that she was angry with him, and his job as her dad was to absorb that and reassure her. Talk to her. Be the adult ffs.

You sound like you're doing a great job in really tough circumstances. My ex husband left suddenly last year. Our daughter is 8 and up until then he'd been a brilliant and very involved dad. That changed the instant he left, and he now sees her for a few hours at the weekend but only when it's convenient to him. He recently went completely dark for almost two months - she's due to see him tomorrow for the first time since September. It's heartbreaking and she finds it incredibly upsetting, and the result is that she's become more and more clingy with me. She finds it really hard if I go out in the evening or even if I'm a few minutes late picking her up from school. More than once she's asked what would happen to her if I left too and she was all alone. I've explained the impact on her several times, but he either doesn't care or (more likely) feels so much shame about his actions that he can't engage with her feelings (or his own). It's really grim. But there's nothing you can do except continue to be steady and solid for them.

@janiejonstone I'm sorry for your daughter. What an arse. Isn't it weird that they can just walk away? My selfish arse of a husband has seen his children once since he left. For an hour. He doesn't know that our eldest has passed her exams and applied for a flat. He doesn't know that our son is going to a party and there's going to be alcohol, and I've agreed that he can take two beers! He didn't come and watch our youngest play in her final match and he doesn't know she is being awarded the cup. He doesn't know the dishwasher broke, or that our eldest has a new job and I have to pick her up at midnight, or what they're getting in their stockings, or that football training will start soon and we're trying to work out lift shares... he just walked away, and now it's all on me. Weird.

I wonder if he understands how traumatic this is for them and doesn't care, or if he doesn't realise?

I hope he’s paying for them. What an awful man to just walk away, and what self respecting new partner would want a man who does that?

He has told me very explicitly that he is leaving me AND the kids. Our family is not what he wants.

Your question “is he seeing them enough?” is pointless because he has made it very clear that he doesn’t want to. He has ditched the family. He doesn’t care about their achievements or spending time with them, he’s not hurting, he doesn’t feel he’s missing out. He has made a conscious decision to deprioritise them and focus on himself. I don’t mean to hurt you, my ex did the same. All you can do is be there for your kids. Don’t bother trying to talk to him or point out what a terrible mistake he’s making, he will only understand this later and maybe never will. There are certain men whose love for their children is tied to their love for their mother, once the love for mother is gone, the children are discarded too. You’ll never understand so don’t waste the emotional energy on trying to persuade him to do the decent thing.