Reactive abuse and divorce proceedings

[Mani2024]

I’ve recently separated from my husband. We are bird nesting currently but this for me was always going to be a short term arrangement while our young children adjust to the change. it is also the only arrangement he would agree to when I told him I want to separate. It’s been six months of this arrangement and I’m ready to move on. My husband will not accept the separation, he will not agree to the children moving from home to home. While I can afford buy him out or buy my own home from the sale of the family property he can not do either of these things and so will not accept the separation or agree any arrangement that pushes us further along in the process. He tells me we are getting back together eventually and he’s not giving up. I have been very clear that I am not wishing to reconcile. I have considered legal advice however the issue i have is that I’m very scared to go down this road. he has emotionally, psychologically and financially abused me for many years. I have evidence of this in messages from him and bank statements but also years and years of messages from myself to friends explaining each incident and the desperation I felt each time. There are pages and pages of messages.

Around seven years ago after I had not long given birth to our third child I lashed out at him in response to the name calling, humiliation and psychological torment. I was in a distressed state and he was laughing at me. He took a picture of the red mark on his face where I slapped him. has used this as leverage against me and still does to this day. He reminds me of this incident regularly and has been sending this picture around to friends since I decided to leave him.

This is the only occasion where I have reacted to his mistreatment and it was a long time ago although it obviously does not excuse my actions at the time. I’ve read about this as being ‘reactive abuse’. Everything I’ve read rings true of my experience but I am still very scared of the implications for me in the process of divorce. I’m wondering if anyone has experience of this?

im very scared to seek legal advice because of this but I know he won’t informally agree to anything that will enable me to leave him permanently.

I need to be able to prove the experience I’ve had for the last ten years. my question is can my messages to friends be used as evidence in addition the messages from him? At the time I was reaching out to friends because I was so isolated and desperate but now I’m glad that I have captured every moment as looking back I now realise how much I had endured and this validates my reason for leaving.

You have to press the fuck it button and issue divorce proceedings.

It won’t be pretty. Get good legal advice before you start and be completely honest with them.

I’m going to get some free 30 min sessions initially. I’m going to absolutely be honest with them. About everything. I don’t understand why he won’t just allow me move on. He tells me wants me back because he loves me so much but at the same time I feel so manipulated and controlled. You don’t win someone back by threatening them also.

Oh lovely, sending big unmumsnetty hugs. One photo of a single hand print is going to have any repercussions for you, he's using the fear to control. The messages from friends/him would absolutely support your point if it came to it, but ultimately, the single photo he has gives no context or even demonstrates that you left it on him, how long afterwards the mark was etc. the way he is carrying on the court will see straight through him.

He doesn't get to call the shots and he doesn't have to agree. You are allowed to leave. As mentioned by PP, it won't be pretty, but it'll be worth it when you're done. Please speak to a solicitor, and be really open about your concerns and listen to their reassurance. Even if they thought it meant he had a case against you, they aren't going to call the police because you told them you slapped him once after a torrent of abuse, and at least they can guide and advise with the full facts far more than anyone here.

I would also suggest chatting to women's aid, they might be able to give you some advice too.

Wishing you luck, OP.

You've answered your own question. He wants to manipulate and control. You've already identified you can afford to live without him, but he can't. And he sounds like an absolute twat, so he's not going to let his easy ride and meal ticket walk away if he thinks he can coerce them to stay (and sounds like he does whatever the fuck he wants anyway, so you being there reluctantly and intimidated doesn't impact him, in the absence of any form of conscience and moral compassion on his part it's a no brainer.

You can go and see a solicitor and get advice about your situation. The 30 min “free sessions” are not going to amount to anything more than an opportunity for you and them to assess whether they can take your case and for to determine if they are right for you.

it would be better to prepare for these sessions with a concise statement of your circumstances and ask them about their experience in dealing with high conflict divorces. They won’t be able to give you advice about the relevance of abuse allegations on both sides to the outcome of the divorce.

The abuse allegations mean mediation and nesting aren’t appropriate. You also need to both understand the finances and get expert advice. If you haven’t had expert and informed advice it is impossible to know what you can both afford when they assets are split.