Confused about abuse

[TheRedFawn]

I’m looking for clarity, and help. I have been married for 16 years and in a relationship with my husband for 19.
I don’t think I have ever felt safe or secure.
I feel like the years have passed in a confusing blur.
This last year I have experienced a bereavement and my partner has been awful.
Attempting to stop me from seeing my dying relative, withheld finances and has seemed to make it his personal mission to make an already difficult time even more unbearable.
He has never been supportive when I have struggled. He left me alone when I was suicidal, saying he had to sleep as he had work the next day.
He lives his own life and considers everything other than work to be in my remit.
He has actively prevented me from working or continuing education.
He keeps me on his business books but prevents me from working for him and does not pay me any of the money he declares.
I am given a credit card to purchase food for the house and petrol.
He goes out most nights, I cook for the family and he will eat when he is home between 9 and 11 at night.
He will disappear to the pub without telling me.
If he drinks at home he screams verbal abuse at me, calling me horrific names, often in front of the children.
If he is around I go to my room after I’ve finished cooking and cleaning and getting the children in bed.
I cannot bring up any issues as he will laugh and mock me, belittle me and create circular arguments that reach no conclusion.
He will not attend counselling.
He has verbally abused our daughter.
He withholds affection, communication and money if I do not tow the line.
He ruins holidays with his drinking.
He says our relationship can continue if he is allowed to do what he wants when he wants without any issues from me.
He goes on solo holidays and does whatever he wants whenever he likes but says I am controlling.
There are many more issues that I’m not comfortable sharing in case I am identified.
I have spoken to a professional who says this is abuse, coercive control but my mind can’t accept that it is.
Any advice will be gratefully received.
Thank you

I've never seen anything more like abuse than what you've written.

Your life sounds like hell and he is abusive. Get you and your children out now before they think this evil and selfish man gets to them too. Believe me. You are being treated like A SLAVE. He is treating you like you would never treat an animal. Please get out. Love and faith in you xxx

You didn't mention your age but if you've been with this guy for 19 years, married for 16, he's probably been with you for at least half your life.
You say that you've never felt safe or secure, you admit that he's verbally abusive, 100% controls your finances and prevents you from earning your own money, refuses counseling, has a problem with alcohol, has a problem with violence, you have already admitted that he's abusive, you're going to counseling or getting counsel, and you've been told flat out that yes, no question, this is abusive. But you're having a hard time getting your head around it. That's because he's had almost two decades, 365 days a year, to slowly mold you into what he wants and accepting this situation.
I'm not saying it's your fault; if a drip of water falls on a rock every single day, eventually the rocks going to get a hole in it. And the rock is strong.
But if you see the drip of water once a day, and you see how strong that rock is, and that's a fact, then you can understand how drip by drip, bit by bit, he's going to wear you down and it'll be difficult for you to come to terms with how bad it's been.
I hope you can get away, I hope you'll be able to understand what a terrible situation have been through, and I hope you'll be able to understand your strength and your worth and one day in the future if you meet someone else, I hope you won't accidentally fall into being attracted to a guy who has the same personality.
You've been through so much, you deserve better. I wish you all the luck in the world for the best rest of your life.

Sorry, he is a very abusive man. Sometimes when you live like this you can't see the wood for the trees. It's your normality so you think it's normal. This is NOT normal. This is NOT love. This is NOT a safe environment for you or you children. You need to work with DV charities to make a safe exit plan. I know its hard @TheRedFawn I left an abusive man 25 years ago. It took me 7 or 8 attempts before I stayed gone. It was hard, scary and different. If I'd stayed he would have killed me. Trust me, you and your kids will be so much happier when you take the leap. It will be hard for a long time and you'll all need therapy but you'll come out the other end happier and safer.

@StruggleFlourish Yes it's the boiling 🐸 🐸 🐸 🐸 analogy.

You've lost 19 years of your life to this

Aw it’s horrendous to hear this!
He has put her and her kids through far more than a sentence for murder. She deserves freedom, love and to reach her potential in a world where she is valued and appreciated. What’s the programme for DA survivors?? Someone please send her link xx

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

This is horrendous abuse. I'm assuming there must be a backstory which would explain why you are so reluctant to see this as abuse (upbringing? past abuse?). I hope you find the strength to get away from this appalling man.

This behaviour from him is extremely abusive, both emotional and financial. I am hesitant to ask about your sex life, but I am going to guess that you have to do what he wants, when he wants whether you want to or not.

Throw in some DARVO from him too and the fact that he has started abusing your daughter too and I would say that you need to prioritise leaving. I would say you are in danger and need help to go. Please contact you local Women's Aid or Domestic Abuse organisation. If he escalates and becomes physically abusive, you can call the Police and get him removed.

Please don't tolerate this. I put up with various forms of abuse from my ex for 25 odd years. Life is much better without him.

Whatever you do, please keep posting here @TheRedFawn - many of us have been where you are now. There is hope. 💐

I waited too long to leave after over 20 years-his screaming abuse,threats and assaulting me were the cullmination of decades of controlling behaviour, the clues were there even before we married, but its only now I'm out I can bear to look back.
He knew how to threaten loss of the children to keep me there-and I had a fear that telling anyone would destroy my children's childhoods. It took more than one attempt, but the police were brilliant.No one will judge you for telling the truth, my greatest regret is that I didn't blow his cover sky high and tell anyone who would listen-the GP, children's schools, my employer and friends about what he was doing behind closed doors.
You will be believed-these men gamble that shame and fear will keep us silent-but once you tell the first person, it becomes easier, and you become stronger, because a previously locked and barred door has suddenly swung open to let the smallest chink of light in.And that's what you have been brave enough to do by posting here.

I have really struggled to recognise the abuse in my marriage. I think it is almost a protective instinct in that I can maybe only handle a bit of the reality at a tine and I have massive waves of shame...shame about how blind I was, shame about my role in things, shame about the struggle I am having letting go...I think we can only handle the emotions in small doses so it takes time to see everything that happened and see it wuth wiser eyes.

@thislittleworldofmine I agree about small doses, and shame. I am sitting here tonight absolutely floored by things I had "forgotten", i have just completed an assignement on domestic abuse, and I don't recognise that person I became, it's like watching an out of focus film.And stupid things, like realising how he would just turn up to surprise me (romantically) by gaining entry to places he shouldn't have been able to access, comments expressing disgust for other women and his own mother, and what's truly chilling, realising thata one of my answers describing examples of different types of abuse was actually a very long list of things he did to me.Which I have never considered in its entirety before-I compartmentalise.
I hope you are safe, @TheRedFawn as @unsync said, there is hope.

Hope you are both OK, @TheRedFawn and @thislittleworldofmine , been wondering how you are.

To be honest I am up and down. Sometimes I feel like none of it was real and that maybe it is just something my brain has made up to deal the relationship ending, other days I think...if it is real...do I need to do something like press charges so others are protected. I don't think if I did that that anyone would believe how stupidly blind I was or they would think I am crazy.

It's really hard to allow yourself to just sit quietly and look at it-i try to do this with my first mug of tea every morning.I find it a release valve (saying out loud why I can never go back) but also like a dream of another life.
Not long ago, I found a notebook with an entry in it, dated, saying what had happened one day.
Reading it filled me with absolute disbelief that i had suppressed some of the details, that I had actually endured this, and that I don't really feel anything.
I have recordings of some of the abuse-including threats to kill.
I found that with the police, my statement was very directed to the night of the arrest.
I have since heard this recording (made by my children) and also been considering doing a clare's law request, as I have petitioned for divorce.
Would it make any difference? I don't know, but I keep coming back to it.
One thing that helped me was a detective telling me that my husband displayed a contempt for women, echoed by officers from another police station who said how horribly he treated female officers.
They believed me, and recognised how manipulative and savvy he was.

I would never go back either and he has moved on with someone new so not likely to be on offer at any rate. I think you are remarkable abd it sounds like you havecendured and faced a lot.

@thislittleworldofmine this is how I am feeling now. I feel like I’ve made it all up. Everything is so confusing and I am constantly seeking validation. Even asking my daughter if it was all real, have I overreacted.
My daughter has struggled enormously, I am finding it all unbearable. She should not be in the position where she needs to explain to her mother how bad it has all been.
She is so unbelievably angry, angry at what she has experienced, what she has been put through by her father, what she has witnessed. I am working so hard, but it feels like I am failing.
Like I have nothing to look forward to and that I will never be free.
He was arrested and removed from the property, I thought we might feel better but we were still scared.
The police can’t keep him on bail forever and I they are wanting me to give a statement.
I don’t know what to do, I just want the safest outcome for my children and myself.
I am on the freedom programme but I feel like a fraud, especially with the women who have experienced behaviours that I consider to be worse.
I know I walked on eggshells, made myself so small, endured his wrath and verbal abuse for years.
He expected obedience, worship.
I wish it would all click in my head and I would become this unstoppable force for knowing that I shouldn’t have endured this but I am just so broken.

I'm sorry you are in this position and that you feel the way you do. Are you in touch with any organisations that can offer you emotional support, counselling, therapy etc?

You and your children need to feel safe within themselves. This is the very minimum you should expect.

I have not read all the posts, I will. I know that people should not feel jeopardised by someone else's actions, words or behaviour.

Seek support and advice, this is likely to help you make sense of your life, and where things are currently.

Finally, please remind yourself what you deserve in life, respect and happiness.

I hope things become easier for you. You might find it feels like a struggle to get out of your position, but it seems a struggle now.

Best wishes.

please don't feel that the abuse other women experience is somehow worse or counts as 'real' abuse
women often say, afterwards when they are safe and out of the relationship that the mental abuse is far worse than physical abuse- bruises and broken bones heal, mental 'injury' takes much longer
please do contact your local DA service who can guide you and help you and your daughter be safe. You don't say how old she is but she will need help herself which you may be able to get through school
its good that you are doing the freedom programme- but sometimes women have to do it more than once before they truly get it
you deserve so much better than this- think what you would say to your best friend if she came to you with this story

This is so life altering isn't it. Life marches on with all its normal expectations. In the meantime it feels like you are in free fall desperately trying to grab hold of something that steadies you. For me is is like a boiling pot with an ill fitting lid. Bit by bit the steam is being released, I can peak under the lid a little more without being scolded. Eventually I will be able to take the lid off and turn down the heat and you will too.
Things that are helping even though it it is slow
Sensitive claims counselling
A lot of friend support
An AI app that is basically a pocket counsellor that I can put fears, ideas, thoughts etc into as they arise
Routines...especially tiny moments of things I enjoy like a cup of tea outside
Buddhist teachings (I am not a Buddhist but have given everything a anything a go to support myself)
I think there are more things, none of them have been miracles except perhaps my friends but I'm getting there. I'm still afraid, still very hurt, still grieving, stoll confused, but there are moments of peace here and there so I know it us possible to feel more than the chaos.

Hello! I just want to say I completely understand how you are feeling and what you are going through. I've just ended a 3 year relationship that was very emotionally abusive. I got the kids and left just under a week ago while he was at work.
I'm now struggling with finding ways to break my trauma bond I have with him, while trying to help my children heal as they have seen the abuse and the impact it's had on me.
I've been through it all, financial, emotional and physical abuse. I know it was the correct decision to leave as the children came first, he was punishing them also.

What you have explained is 100% abuse and there is help out there for women in your situation. Please don't wait around expecting change, people like that never change. It's very hard to leave, but in this situation you have to be strong and make that decision for you and your children.

There are days (most of them) that I cannot bear to look at what we endured through my children's eyes.So instead, I do a checklist to myself, repeating what neutral professionals have said about my husband's behaviour. Not mine. Not yours. Not any woman's. But the abuser's.
Then I remind myself of all the reasons we can never go back.
I reached a point where I thought going back would be doable, under certain conditions.
I don't dwell on that, other than to acknowledge it wasn't weakness, or cowardice, or having imagined the whole thing (as he would say).And that I didn't go back.
Rather, I decided to treat myself with compassion.And to remind myself that even one of the many things that he CHOSE to do to us is reason enought to have left.
You don't have to prove anything, or understand it, or even know what happens in the next 5 minutes/day/tomorrow.
You just need to breathe, take those quiet moments, and remind yourself that you were brave, determined and that you saved your children, and yourself.