How to finally have the talk and deal with the guilt

[Brentinger]

Looking for advice here after years of an unhappy marriage. Way too many major issues that have not been solved through years of talks/ couples therapy.

How to gather the courage to sit down and have the divorce talk, and deal with the tremendous guilt I am feeling about breaking up a family? I have my ducks in order financially, close friend is aware and supporting - but I am really struggling with how to announce it and the emotional mess we will be both be in.

For context, same sex married couple, two young kids (3&6), I am and always have been the sole breadwinner (including on maternity leave), mortgage together that I couldn't afford to keep on my own. Would have to pay child support anyway. I'm also someone who is always reliable, looks out for other people and dependable at work and am terrified of being an absolute wreck at work. Needing a hand hold/some advice.

You won’t be a wreck, it’s actually very freeing when you get it out there. I felt much better emotionally when I stopped pretending to the world that all was well. I’ve had to support my team through a massive restructure and redundancy at the same time as the divorce and it’s not quite broken me.

That’s not to say it’s not hard, I have had bad days. But it’s actually ok and we have had to live together whilst the divorce goes through for the last year.

Not exactly the same circs, hetero couple, 1 young DC but I am main earner and our beautiful dream house is being sold. Life materially is going to be shit. But I don’t feel guilt, just incredibly sad.

My suggestion is just to get the initial paperwork filed online and then say it. No big conversation, make it so it’s final. It’s clearly not going to be a surprise so no need for any dramatics.

We have been completely straightforward with DD along the lines of “mummy and daddy are going to live in separate houses and you will have 2 bedrooms. We love you very much and nothing else will change but Mummy and Daddy won’t argue anymore and we will all be happy”

DD just asked if she can have 2 bikes and is otherwise unfazed. I’m sure there will be issues to come but we’d become like 2 separate people that she interacts with independently anyway so I don’t think she notices the change as it’s not massive.

Rip the plaster off and you will be able to breathe again.