How to deal with this? I feel so defeated

[ralsta]

Long story short, my ex has caused me a lot of hurt in the past. He has hurt me worse than I thought anyone ever could and it’s taken a few months for me to get into a good place, but I have seriously put the work in all whilst raising our 2 young children. The other night he spent the entire evening calling me selfish, all cos I was late to collect something from him. He was really harsh to me saying I need to be nicer to him, not keep him waiting, make more effort etc he also said things like ‘if I message you asking how you are then reply to me’

im finding it all hard because I don’t want to, I don’t want to talk to him like we’re mates. But whenever I try and set boundaries that’s when I get the moods, the name calling. I don’t want to be pally with him, he was and still is vile to me at times

he broke me, he doesn’t understand that and never will

Tell him not to contact you unless regarding DC. Ignore any other communication

We obviously don't know the details but it it's completely legitimate to say, "Look, we have two children to raise together so it's important that we remain civil and cooperative around that but I want to be very clear that the boundaries of our relationship end there. We are no longer a couple and we are not friends, we are coworkers in the raising of our children, so let's keep things polite and professional from now on."

Then grey rock anything you wouldn't accept from a co-worker. Abusive messages go unanswered or, if they really need to be answered for logistics around the children, you answer about that only and in a politely efficient tone as though he's said nothing rude and unhinged. Abusive behaviour in person results in no reaction at all and you walking away as soon as you are able (with children/ once children dropped off).

You need to make sure you are not reliant on him for anything - money, childcare etc. if you can possibly help it. Work on the assumption he will not contribute. It's important he has nothing over you.

The other night when he was calling me selfish and being awful it was my poor son who lost out cos his daddy didn’t call him as he was annoyed at me. So I worry that he’ll use them against me and I don’t want the children suffering 😔 it’s emotionally exhausting me and draining

he shows a lot of narcissistic behaviours, this over reaction to me being late to collect something just coincided with him finding out I was going on a date. It was like he wanted to upset me before I went, then upset me even more when I got home

everytime in the past I’ve said ‘we don’t need to speak as much/be friends etc’ it’s always ended in him saying something awful or being nasty so I’m worried he’ll just do the same

How old are your DC ?

@THEbiggestsmallpersonyouwillmeet my son is 4, so daddy is his world and he’s started really noticing him not being around. And our daughter will be 2 in February

Op as much as what he is doing isn’t right or fair and definitely not in the best interests of the DC, I’m afraid you will have to find coping strategies. Try not to walk on eggshells though as you’re setting a precedent on how you allow him to behave. It’s really hard but he will not be changing anytime soon.

Yes, he probably will. You can't control what he does, only how you react to it.

There is no formula of behaviour or words from you that will make him behave nicely and reasonably towards you. You are wasting your time and emotional energy trying to find it.

He is going to act however he acts. Your job is to stop centering him and pointing all your focus towards him - his behaviour, how he might react, what he might say - and protect your own energy to give to your children and building your own independent life.