Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

CAO - "lives with" downside?

22 replies

babycool2 · 18/11/2025 18:16

So my ex has gone to court for a Child arrangement order and she is after "lives with" and not shared.

Now, this all makes sense to me as they live almost 350miles away from me for a fault of my own making. Anyway, I am yet to be served.

Question for those who are clued up - I do drive and aim to drive one weekend a month and stay with our child to ensure I keep a relationship with her. We do not have direct contact between us (no calls etc anymore) so this is paramount that I am allowed atleast 3 nights a month.

What are the downsides if I agree to this Lives with order , not that I have much choice but How do I get my contact time agreed also?

OP posts:
Thegreatbigzebraintheroom · 18/11/2025 18:17

How old is the child?

Thegreatbigzebraintheroom · 18/11/2025 18:20

Yes contact should be resided with and not shared.

How often have you seen your child in the last 12 months? Why don’t you phone? Or email? Or write?
have you send birthday cards or gifts for example

what contact did you have? And what do you have now?
any violence or DV or abuse? Do you pay CMS

Thegreatbigzebraintheroom · 18/11/2025 18:20

Ps it’s not YOUR contact it’s the interest of the child

Original poster
babycool2 · 18/11/2025 18:27

Thegreatbigzebraintheroom · 18/11/2025 18:17

How old is the child?

3 years old and lived with us every single day of his live until earlier this year when we broke up and she has blocked me from all contact just over 4 months ago(she did her court papers just before I could)

OP posts:
Original poster
babycool2 · 18/11/2025 18:28

Thegreatbigzebraintheroom · 18/11/2025 18:20

Ps it’s not YOUR contact it’s the interest of the child

I have been in the child's life from day 1 until 4 months ago when the mother blocked all contact(for reasons that have 0 to do with the child - just financial issue). The child has older siblings from my side who had a relationship etc which , if no contact at all , the relationship will be lost also.

OP posts:
Original poster
babycool2 · 18/11/2025 18:30

Thegreatbigzebraintheroom · 18/11/2025 18:20

Yes contact should be resided with and not shared.

How often have you seen your child in the last 12 months? Why don’t you phone? Or email? Or write?
have you send birthday cards or gifts for example

what contact did you have? And what do you have now?
any violence or DV or abuse? Do you pay CMS

Yes I pay CMS,
I have contact of one weekend a month up until she blocked me and ignored any request for me to visit, call or video call
No event has needed a card or gift yet as it is very recent.

I have not seen or talked to the child in 4 months due to ex blocking be due to a financial disagreement(not child related)

OP posts:
PumpkinTwistyWindToots · 18/11/2025 18:35

The lives with element won't prevent you having contact agreed and written in to the order.

Thegreatbigzebraintheroom · 18/11/2025 18:36

Well a 3 year old can’t phone or email so that fair enough.

when you sent a letter giving your updated address, explaining your relocation and how you wanted contact to continue and how can you make this work - what was the reply?

Thegreatbigzebraintheroom · 18/11/2025 18:37

What is the financial issue ?

Original poster
babycool2 · 18/11/2025 18:40

Thegreatbigzebraintheroom · 18/11/2025 18:36

Well a 3 year old can’t phone or email so that fair enough.

when you sent a letter giving your updated address, explaining your relocation and how you wanted contact to continue and how can you make this work - what was the reply?

No, she moved 350miles away, not me. It was agreed upon for a temporary period(2/3 months) whilst I worked full time and built up a bigger home(she has a disability so she could not have been around building work) but once she was away, the relationship 100% broke down.

OP posts:
Original poster
babycool2 · 18/11/2025 18:42

Thegreatbigzebraintheroom · 18/11/2025 18:37

What is the financial issue ?

She contributed to a house extension (small amount but I cannot pay it back straight away). She needs it to build her new life there and wanted it all at once which I cannot do for obvious reasons, all my savings were towards it too and now salary i have CMS deducted, mortgage alone etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
babycool2 · 18/11/2025 18:43

PumpkinTwistyWindToots · 18/11/2025 18:35

The lives with element won't prevent you having contact agreed and written in to the order.

This is the main question answered I think because I do not want her having more say because of it, all i can see is that she can take the child out of the country for 28 days without my say so, which again, its fine as my intended 3 nights are not taken from.

OP posts:
Thegreatbigzebraintheroom · 19/11/2025 21:40

You apply to the court - do it yourself stating the above and ask for contact.

applied for shared contact - you could ask for one weekend a month and a larger proportion of holidays. Normally the parents that moves away is the one that must travel.

NewCushions · 19/11/2025 21:47

I dn't think a lives with order means you can't have contact agreed - so you should take that to the court.

But, how are you plannign to do these 3 days? if you drive up there, you can't force your ex to let you come and stay in your house. So what is the plan for how to mangae this as the court will want to know what your plan is.

It also seems unlikely they'll agree 3 nights once a month without any contact in between for such a young child.

WiggyPig · 19/11/2025 22:01

It sounds as though you're not far apart in terms of agreeing arrangements, and it is always easier to get arrangements that will work if you're not both approaching it from a place of hostility.

She wants a lives with order - that's what a lot of people call "residence" and you're not arguing with that, as your daughter does live with her mother. You're not looking for a change of residence so that she lives with you. You can agree that.

What you want is a spends time with order - what people often call "contact." You need a sensible plan as to how this will happen. Presumably not at your ex's place, for obvious reasons. So will you spend time with her for three consecutive days while you stay in a hotel, or are you after overnights? If you want overnights, how do you see this working? What proposals do you have that are in the best interests of a very young child?

Four months for a three year old is quite a long time so I think you need to be prepared for the court to say she needs to build back up to regular contact.

You will both still have parental responsibility if there is an order that your daughter lives with her mum and spends time with you.

Original poster
babycool2 · 20/11/2025 11:48

NewCushions · 19/11/2025 21:47

I dn't think a lives with order means you can't have contact agreed - so you should take that to the court.

But, how are you plannign to do these 3 days? if you drive up there, you can't force your ex to let you come and stay in your house. So what is the plan for how to mangae this as the court will want to know what your plan is.

It also seems unlikely they'll agree 3 nights once a month without any contact in between for such a young child.

I used to book an Air Bnb when i used to go there end of each month and we all stayed together actually. Now she wont be there obviously but I can do so just me and baby, and on my Annual leave I can have her in my city.

" It also seems unlikely they'll agree 3 nights once a month without any contact in between for such a young child."

Why do you think this? so i would be limited to what? a few times a year?

OP posts:
Original poster
babycool2 · 20/11/2025 12:04

WiggyPig · 19/11/2025 22:01

It sounds as though you're not far apart in terms of agreeing arrangements, and it is always easier to get arrangements that will work if you're not both approaching it from a place of hostility.

She wants a lives with order - that's what a lot of people call "residence" and you're not arguing with that, as your daughter does live with her mother. You're not looking for a change of residence so that she lives with you. You can agree that.

What you want is a spends time with order - what people often call "contact." You need a sensible plan as to how this will happen. Presumably not at your ex's place, for obvious reasons. So will you spend time with her for three consecutive days while you stay in a hotel, or are you after overnights? If you want overnights, how do you see this working? What proposals do you have that are in the best interests of a very young child?

Four months for a three year old is quite a long time so I think you need to be prepared for the court to say she needs to build back up to regular contact.

You will both still have parental responsibility if there is an order that your daughter lives with her mum and spends time with you.

That is indeed true, 4 months is a long time but in this case, it is not my fault, she just stopped responding to me, i have messages where I am begging her to give me suitable availability that works around her (She does not even work so it would be me having to miss work etc) and she just ignored this and communication died out.

At the end, i just want to be allowed to see my daughter when I travel that far and stay with her, until they moved, i lived and even took care of her alone for some nights when she would be away to visit family etc so we have a good relationship.

OP posts:
Original poster
babycool2 · 20/11/2025 12:06

Thegreatbigzebraintheroom · 19/11/2025 21:40

You apply to the court - do it yourself stating the above and ask for contact.

applied for shared contact - you could ask for one weekend a month and a larger proportion of holidays. Normally the parents that moves away is the one that must travel.

That is the thing, since she moved, she flat out refused to bring our child, I have been the one to take time off work and travel(she does not work and drives so she can easily do this)

I also found out twice now, in the last 4 months she has traveled and stayed just 30minutes away from me for a few days at a time visiting a family member of hers(I found out from a mutual friend who actually met up with them each time).

OP posts:
PumpkinTwistyWindToots · 20/11/2025 12:46

NewCushions · 19/11/2025 21:47

I dn't think a lives with order means you can't have contact agreed - so you should take that to the court.

But, how are you plannign to do these 3 days? if you drive up there, you can't force your ex to let you come and stay in your house. So what is the plan for how to mangae this as the court will want to know what your plan is.

It also seems unlikely they'll agree 3 nights once a month without any contact in between for such a young child.

They will if both parents are in agreement with that.

FigurativelyDying · 20/11/2025 14:23

WiggyPig · 19/11/2025 22:01

It sounds as though you're not far apart in terms of agreeing arrangements, and it is always easier to get arrangements that will work if you're not both approaching it from a place of hostility.

She wants a lives with order - that's what a lot of people call "residence" and you're not arguing with that, as your daughter does live with her mother. You're not looking for a change of residence so that she lives with you. You can agree that.

What you want is a spends time with order - what people often call "contact." You need a sensible plan as to how this will happen. Presumably not at your ex's place, for obvious reasons. So will you spend time with her for three consecutive days while you stay in a hotel, or are you after overnights? If you want overnights, how do you see this working? What proposals do you have that are in the best interests of a very young child?

Four months for a three year old is quite a long time so I think you need to be prepared for the court to say she needs to build back up to regular contact.

You will both still have parental responsibility if there is an order that your daughter lives with her mum and spends time with you.

i just wanted to say, this is a really nice, measured response. We can hear the worry and panic in the OP’s post. He is floundering in an unfamiliar situation. Some of the other posters have leaped to the usual conclusions (it must be the man who has moved 350 miles away for example)

NewCushions · 20/11/2025 22:50

babycool2 · 20/11/2025 11:48

I used to book an Air Bnb when i used to go there end of each month and we all stayed together actually. Now she wont be there obviously but I can do so just me and baby, and on my Annual leave I can have her in my city.

" It also seems unlikely they'll agree 3 nights once a month without any contact in between for such a young child."

Why do you think this? so i would be limited to what? a few times a year?

Show quote history

I thibk that the big gaps would be a problem as there would be a concern that a young child would be unsettled doing this, even though it's not your fault.

jeaux90 · 21/11/2025 07:29

Ok so she is applying for a CAO? You can counter the drafting of that. As in put in details about contact and your own holiday time etc do you have a solicitor?

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread