What should I do

[Sweetly1]

Hi Parents I separated with the father of my two kids in 2022 and I kept the children however after a few months I feel ill and he took the them he then started collecting the child element of universal credit and child benefit. This has been going on for 2 years. We were given joint custody of the kids last year so they are at mine three days and his the rest of the week, but I'd like them back with me he seems hesitant to allow them with me however my health is stable now. I'd also like the child benefit and UC child event back in my name because I spend money on their clothes shoes and healthy eating and I take them out. Their father does not take them out and they have noodles regular at his, he is basically very cheap with how he spends on them. What can I do if he won't allow to have them on a more regular basis and change the benefits to my name as their mom ?

Just because you're 'mum' doesn't give you automatic right to the benefits over the other parent, especially as he has the children more. If you can't agree this between yourselves, you'll need to go to court.

He should be splitting benefits with you, tell him you are going to look into making your own claim. To get DC back full time, you are probably going to have to go back to Court, but I doubt you would get more than 50/50 as that does seem the norm now.

How old are they? You talk about them like an asset you’d like more access to because they’d bring extra resources. They’re people with their own needs not something to put down or pick up for convenience or cash. They may have a view on where they’d like to live but you don’t say what it is.

Why should he when he’s got primary residency?

What do the children want?

So basically you want the children more so you get child benefit. Nice

Not once in all of this have you mentioned the upheaval and trauma caused to your children in all this. They are not commodities to be passed around . Start putting them first and give them some stability !

@Lennonjingles Wrong, he doesn't not need to split benefits with the OP. He by the sounds of it is the resident parent and has been for the past two years.

I suppose a key question is whether you have been paying Child Support to him for the past 3 years. And whether what you pay in anyway reflects the true cost for the resident parent.

Resident parents who get little or no child support do struggle to provide treats for the children. And they can look cheap compared to a non resident parent who has this capacity.

It’s very shabby to criticise a resident parent for being cheap if they don’t get any child support and rely on benefits.

Their dad works. I don't work because I've got bipolar.

I want to care for my kids they are not an asset. I just feel that the care, help with homework, socialising and general care is better than what their dad gives them. They have already expressed that they want to live with me anyway. I use my benefits to care for them when they are with me.

Don’t you think she should get some having DC 3 nights a week, I appreciate UC is based on individual circumstances, but shouldn’t CB be shared pro rata.

What do you want to change to, from 3 days a week?

If you want the court order changed you'd need to have reasons why it's in the kids best interests to be removed from their primary residence.

As a previous poster asked- have you been paying child maintenance?

Depending on the age of the kids they can live wherever they want.

@Lennonjingles That's not how it works, it's paid to the resident parent.

For the Christmas, Easter and summer holidays the kids are with me full time because their dad has to work

No, it doesn’t sound like she’s paying child support so even less reason he should give her the UC money.

People with bi polar can and do work

nothing you have said here gives any reason as to why the arrangements should change - sounds like you just want more benefits and cms ( have you paid any out if your benefits)

What should you do? Leave things as is re child arrangements

From you first post it is clear that you relied on him to be the default parent when you couldn’t. He was and probably remains a core element of your ability to parent and your resilience as a parent. It is important for you to recognise this and be aware that you need to maintain a constructive relationship with him. I don’t see how you do this if you criticise his parenting instead of maybe acknowledging everything he has done.

Meanwhile it may be time to discuss alternative co parenting arrangements. Although it sounds like you have a recent CAO agreed and put in place by the court. That should have dealt with everything and if you want to change it you will need to get his agreement or go through the legal process over again. That will involve mediation and petitions to the court.

Have you asked to the resident parent before, for example when the current CAO was agreed? Why was this not accepted and what has changed?

He is the resident parent if he has the DC 4 nights, and you 3 so it’s correct he claims the benefits. Technically you should be paying some maintenance but assume you’re on benefits if not working. He needs to be paying for their clothes so i’d be billing him for them if you’re having to buy them. You’d be expected to feed them when staying with you, which I appreciate is not easy if you’re just getting benefits for a single person but have to feed your DC 3 nights a week. Sounds like their father doesn’t want the DC to return to you full time or the majority, and likely losing the benefits to his family income will have some bearing on this. Tricky situation, but hopefully you can find a solution. Guess you’d have to go to court if you want to change the arrangement.