Considering separation - tips and advice

[wintergirl]

Having spent longer than I’d like to confess feeling very unhappy in my marriage and having tried marriage counselling (didn’t make much progress, beyond realising that we’ve grown very far apart and really struggle to communicate) I’m thinking I’m at the end of a 20 year marriage. DS 17 (yr 13) and DD 15 (yr 11). Given their ages/ school years I’m thinking might be better to get to next summer, though not sure if that’s feasible as not just my choice obviously.
For those of you further on than me, what would you advise I do to start getting my ducks in a row as best I can? what would you do if you were to do it again? What do you wish you’d known? Any FB or other social media groups that you found helpful? How and when do you start finding the right lawyer? Any tips for working things through with older teens? Anything at all really that could be helpful for someone who has no idea what she’s doing and no idea how to start.

Following as I’m in exactly the same position, including kids ages! Good luck!

My tip (had children same ages as yours and am a retired teacher) is to put your children, who are in key academic years, first and both of you bloody make sure you do get through to next summer. You both need to choose your do this.

Make sure you have access to your own sole bank account with money in it.
Make sure you have a plan for who will live where in the interim, how it will be paid for etc, and a plan B in case that isn’t possible. A plan C can’t hurt either.
Prepare mentally for the process to take an age.
Look up family lawyers on the Resolution website, who are members of Resolution.
Start with a mediator if appropriate - read and locate one on Family Mediators Council website.
Joint and empathetic approach to telling your children, giving them time to adjust and come back with questions.
Read everything you can from reputable online websites about any tricky issues, eg pensions etc so you have a rough idea before seeing lawyer and discussing.

get all the details agreed with STBXH before you tell the kids - tell them once you have clarity that it’s definitely over, nobody’s going to be trying to get back together or making the other feel guilty via the kids, or any uncertainty. Esp at their ages and if they’re likely to move out soon, they’ll be worried about you both but also looking at both your behaviours and making up their own minds about who’s being decent, fair etc. This will affect their view of you both for life - show this to your STBXH too as it’s so important not to mess with their heads - the parent doing this would screw up their relationship with the kids as they see everything. Keep your chin up, always take the high road, suck up any drama and pettiness and do not waver! Keep your head down and keep going through that tunnel to the light at the other end! Be kind to each other as well and be prepared to be surprised by things but just keep going

@NET145 I hadn’t heard of the Resolution website (haven’t heard of anything really!), thank you.
I hear you @Wordlerr I will do everything I can, and while my STEXH certainly isn’t my biggest fan right now, our kids mean everything to him. I’m as hopeful as I can be under the circumstances that this can wait,
@MidnightScroller thank you, all good advice. You’re right they do see everything
@Daytimetellyqueen you’re not alone. Best of luck to you too!

If you can separate amicably and work out your own financial split you save so much money, it’s not worth fighting over 5% because it costs more than that in fees. File for divorce yourself, online, just get a solicitor for the consent agreement. If it can’t be amicable then obviously you’ll need 2 separate solicitors but if you can agree you only need one

Glad to hear that OP. They’re under so much stress when facing external exams that parents splitting up would be too
much for them. In these years particularly they need stability, calm and support, as you know, having been through it once. Reason with your DH as your children are about to do this again, in stereo. They need a united foundation to underpin their success.

Is it worth getting legal advice on what would be grounds for a reasonable settlement, as a start point. I think it could be possible, we both work and have a reasonable level of financial stability each. However his pension potential is a fair bit higher than mine because of how we balance work / child care for many years. I would definitely be open to working it out but I also wouldn’t want to do myself a disservice because there are basics I wasn’t aware could be reasonable to ask for. Clearly may well be hopelessly naive that amicable is an option!