About to live alone for the first time in my life , feeling overwhelmed

[Newstart9753]

Please can I get some words of encouragement?
Went from living with parents to living with now husband. I am mid 40s now.
About to be divorced and live in my own property. Im looking forward to it but feeling overwhelmed with the physical practicalities of some of it.
I have a bad back which is set off very easily, I can't do any heavy lifting or bending. In our current home we have a large amount of furniture , a loft full of stuff, 2 sheds full of stuff. I will obviously pay movers but prior to that I will need skips and get rid of a lot of things . I dont know how im physically going to be able to do it myself. My parents are nearly 80, im an only child.
Once in my new home im worried about things like diy , house maintenance etc. Im moving to somewhere that shouldn't need much but obviously things will need doing as the years go by. I will have very little money spare to pay tradesmen etc.
I know I will just have to learn but even little things like setting up routers, tvs, washing machines etc. Husband always did that kind of thing. It just all feels very overwhelming

You can use online tutorials for learning practical things, almost anything now is on YouTube and other similar sites.Try not to over think it.As an older woman living alone for 7 years ,I have taught myself a few new things and I too have a weak back and am fairly short.Not everything will go wrong,or breakdown at the same time.There will be times when you do have to pay someone unfortunately.There are so many positives about living alone.

It is overwhelming to need to be self reliant. Pace yourself with the heavy stuff, and have a look at your local facebook group for handy man type services that can help with smaller jobs. There’s lot of stuff online where you can learn to hook up routers etc. Take pride in every job you do where your ex would normally have done it - pay attention to how you’re growing and changing.

One day at a time!

I’m mid 40s and lived alone since my divorce, first time as I went straight from parents to husband too. I bring people in for the jobs I can’t do. I never thought it possible but I own a drill and put my own mirror up! I’ve done some light DIY.

You tube is great for things like connecting the washing machine. But don't overthink. You are more capable I am sure than you give yourself credit for. Enjoy it!

I was you, 6 years ago - I’m not going to say I’ve become an incredible DIY-er but I’ve definitely done stuff I never thought I’d be capable of! I also found a local odd job man through Facebook marketplace who has done all sorts of things for me (cleared gutters, fitted washing machine, fitted extractor fan in bathroom etc) for a lot less than a bigger firm would charge. He’s been a godsend so try looking for someone like this locally . You’ll be fine!!

I have hypermobility and arthritis. I just paid house clearance chaps to come and get rid of everything I didn’t want. I massively downsized from a large extended four bed house with large garage full of stuff, to a tiny cottage.

If I really can’t do something myself I accept that I have to pay for someone else to do it, or get a favour from a friend.

I just remind myself that I would far rather be doing that than living with XH.

You won’t just survive this, you will flourish! 💐

Just echoing what everyone said above. I’ve been in this situation for a year. It is daunting, and some things have overwhelmed me, but I’ve also been able to do quite a bit myself. I’ve found a good handman for everything I haven’t learned to do!

Id say don’t worry about things before they even happen. Concentrate on the move and not some potential DIY problems that might not even happen.

Manifest the feeling you’re going to have when you’re settled in.

good luck op. One step at a time.

I was you…parents…uni…husband…divorce at 53. Been in my own place a year now and whilst it can still be scary I’m getting to know the house, prioritise any jobs and get the number of decent local trades people!
i have a habit of panicking and thinking everything needs doing all at once (ex was the practical one) but training myself to breathe and deal with one job at a time.

you’ll get there

I found myself at 50. Always lived with someone. Move back to my mums when I left my wife. 18 months later and I was alone for the first time in my life. I was desperate to find a relationship again. That was 8 years ago.

I love my independent life now and will never live with anyone again. 😀

Reading between the lines is it fair to assume this divorce was not your choice? You sound as though a) you may have accepted a very poor financial settlement and b) have been tasked with emptying the family home? Is that because that is your settlement?

Do you have grown up children and do they have stuff in the house they need to remove?

In practical terms, if you are on Facebook then use Facebook marketplace to get rid of everything for free on the basis that the buyer must collect and remove. Free stuff by and large will be collected in nanoseconds. By the time you eBay stuff the effort of selling it isn't worth the price you'll get for it unless you have some really nice old furniture and then an auction house is your friend. In both options your back survives. There are also local charities for the homeless which will take away all kinds of stuff provided it has a safety sticker, furniture, bedding, china etc.

Do you live in a city? Garden stuff, bicycles, etc - just put at the gate with a post it telling people to help themselves. It will be gone before you can blink. It's a great way to get rid of things incrementally.

As for living by yourself. What are ten things you don't do? Listen to your music at top volume, watch films all day with a sofa picnic on a Sunday, have a random day off just for you.

Tech stuff, routers come largely pre programmed now to plug and play. Just don't lose the ludicrously long password they send out with it.

I've just done it - moved house at the beginning of the month. I'm still living in total chaos and there are days when I just feel paralysed by the overwhelm.

I'm getting through it by breaking the day up into hours. In each hour I make myself do 20 minutes of the hard tasks (moving boxes, unpacking, building furniture etc) and then for the rest of the hour maybe a short break for ten minutes / dog walk / easy tasks like laundry etc.

I've also hired a handyman and friends' teen sons to help with getting boxes upstairs.

I'm very aware that I need to sort out some of the household admin very soon which scares me almost as much and I can't pay anyone else to do that for me. Just got to grow up and face all that.

I think that what you are feeling is normal but unwarranted. Yes it is daunting to do all of these new things, but they are not difficult really and you will soon get the hang of them.

I have lived alone a lot and got a handyman to come round regularly. Anything I couldn't do, he did and he helped me loads of times. I saved up and booked him.

Hire paid help where you can for moving day, including TVs and routers etc. (Routers are easy actually.)

Living alone, it is so easy to save the pennies too. A small, cosy, easily cleaned, warm, pretty, tidy house is very easy to take care of and pay for, with inexpensive food, cosy indoor times that cost nothing, and the months rack up and the pennies stack up. Then you can save for everything you need. You'll be fine.

And once everything is in and unpacked, and you get to choose how you want it, and you come home to a peaceful tidy home, you're going to love it.

I’m in the same position at 63 having being married to a builder for 35 years who did everything practical including the wifi, the car etc so I understand how feel and have found these comments helpful. I’m going to make life as easy as possible for myself by buying a new car from my equity so I don’t have to worry and buying something modern and easy to maintain. Sadly this will be a flat rather than a house as any houses I can afford need work or are in not so nice areas but it will make my life easier. Good luck.

Join local Facebook pages so you can ask for recommendation for jobs that need doing

I think you have had such great advice on here op. I was thinking about posting a similar question as I am 50 and soon to be in your position having been in a relationship all my adult life and I now feel very daunted about being single.

In my case the divorce was my choosing and there are only a couple of areas my ex covers day to day that I am not confident with (IT and changing car tyres!). So I am setting myself the challenge of taking on these things myself. I could get a handyman/IT man in but I feel these are areas I can master with practice.

Areas like very heavy lifting or property maintenance then I will save to get help when needed. To be fair my ex wasn't practical so most things we would get someone in and I put up all the shelves in the house.

I think for me it's silly things like living alone and house security that worries me. I always feel nervous and think creaks are intruders if I am in a property alone at night and have done since being a teenager. I had a violent childhood so I have an overactive fear response/imagination! This fear of being alone at night I am sure will pass and I have my dog for company.

I think breaking things down into small chunks and not let yourself get overwhelmed is the best way forward OP. Not everything needs doing at once. Youtube is a great source for learning new skills and you can watch several different videos to get an overview of what you are trying to learn.