Things escalating after asking for separation

[difficultdecisionstobehad]

Hi. Can’t believe this is how things are going but need some advice!

I told my partner of 15 years I wanted a separation three weeks ago. A host of things really but the main one being long standing jealously and trust issues (towards me). Since then it has been really difficult in the home as he does not accept that it is over, going from being angry to upset, then amicable and then trying to make a pass at me on Friday, which led to more anger and upset when this is not reciprocated. It was reasonably amicable for about a week in the middle but I wonder if this was him thinking things would change. I have remained as calm as possible and firm in what I want but now it is impacting the kids and he is becoming more angry at me and was angry at our 12 year old daughter yesterday. All of this means I think I need to leave the home with our 2 daughters .

i have tried to talk to him about the practicalities of the next step but he refuses to engage and gets angry when I try and approach this, so I haven’t been able to talk about childcare arrangements etc. I want to get out as feel the environment is not great and will start/already is impacting the children, so am thinking of leaving tomorrow with them to stay with my parents up the road. They have plenty of room and are supportive.

Am I doing the right thing? For the children? Should I wait a week or so rather than uproot them so quickly? So worried about the effect on them but they are confused with how things are here. Haven’t told them yet that we are separating and he has said he will not talk to them with me. What he has said is he will make things as hard as he can for me 😢

Feels like a right old mess! any advice greatly appreciated!

Sorry, didn’t want to read and not reply as nobody else had replied yet. It sounds like he is going to be totally unreasonable. I think I would give him one chance to put the kids first by offering to do mediation with him, not to save the marriage but to negotiate the details of the separation/divorce. If he refuses, tell him he is leaving you with no choice but to take the kids to your parents’ house due to the bad atmosphere. Handhold 💐 you will get through this. I don’t see the point in putting off telling the kids: if he won’t participate at all, he is a complete idiot - but it might be easier without him if he won’t agree on the message anyway.

Sorry, I have no advice apart from seek legal advice before leaving the home.
💐

Thank you Peachy, appreciate you replying. I have mentioned to him about mediation, or at least a one off session with a neutral body there so we can talk things through. Not sure he will take that currently but will be good once things calm down! Hoping space may help with that 🤞🏻

I have been thinking about this….we are 50:50 equity on the deeds/not married so think it is not overly complex. Well, he could make it but hopefully not!

Do you think you're safe? That would be my concern with staying in the house if he's angry and not wanting you to leave

he has never been physically aggressive towards me but lots of throwing things around in the kitchen and slamming doors. He has got a long-standing temper but I don’t think we are unsafe. Probably best though to leave when I say I will though as emotions will likely escalate.

Throwing things is quite frightening to children though. One time my dad picked up the radio and flung it down the garden. I can still remember it vividly 40 years later. Any child will fear that temper being turned on them, even if it hasn’t been previously. If he has been angry towards your 12 year old for no good reason, the kids are probably walking on eggshells already. Getting legal advice about leaving the family home is also a good idea but maybe you could frame the visit to your parents as a few days away initially, and ask them if they have been worried about what is going on/Dad’s bad mood. You might be surprised at what they come out with if you can get them talking.

Get a solicitor appointment just to double check your position. If you move out, I would suggest you take your 50% of everything in rhe house, furniture etc. Plus anything you want that is special such as photos, copies of all paperwork, take the passports. Because once you are out, he can change the locks and then make it very difficult for you to get back in. Speaking from experience, and there's another woman on AIBU who is in the same situation. Hire a van. Don't tell him. Get storage arranged and then don't go back. His attitude will likely escalate as you've then made a big decision that he had no say in.

If you want to keep the house and buy him out, then I think most will suggest not moving out. Once you're out, you could continue paying half the mortgage, or in my case I issued him a letter from my solicitor saying he coukd either pay half the going rental value or pay te mortgage which was the cheaper option. The mortgage company don't care who pays, however if he is likely to not pay then it affects your credit rating.

But get legal advice, knowledge is power.

Also. Your girls, you say one is 12, but they will have a say on how much time they want to spend with each parent. I think seeking some guidance, maybe a different post on here, about how to talk to older kids about this and also about potentially moving out due to his behaviour... how you handle it is important, especially as he refuses.

Feel for you, not easy. I moved out into my mum's, my kid's are young. We left quickly due to escalating behaviour that wasn't healthy. I was so happy to get out.

Top tip: tell him nothjng. Make your plans and action then. Be honest but age appropriate with your children. Get a bag of overnight thjngs, important documents, special items and store at your parents as an emergency bag incase his behaviour continues to escalate. Do that tomorrow as a backup.

The issue will be loss of control over an asset. The default position of you being entitled to 50% of the equity won’t be in dispute. However to get that 50% you need him to be cooperative with buying you out or selling. If he isn’t then he can drag things out by virtue of being in preferred position by living in the family home. That gives him all sorts of control.

1. he can insist you lay half the mortgage even though you can’t live there. Which limits what you can do to get a home of your own whilst the house is up for sale
2. he can refuse to cooperate with valuations and viewings.
3. he can refuse to manage the upkeep on the home.

A reasonable person won’t do any of that because it isn’t in their interest in the long term. An unreasonable person driven by anger, fear and rejection can do all sorts of counterproductive and scorched earth things.

Agree with PP that you need to get everything vitally important - passports, copies of the deeds, financial docs etc and take them to your parents.

Money, jewellery, valuables and a bag with a week of clothing etc for you and each child too.

That way whatever happens you know you’ve got the basics safe elsewhere.

Hi all. Thank you so much for all your comments. Apologies I have only just been on to check as we moved to my parents on Sunday and have been settling the kids in.

We came with a bit of stuff and importantly too, the beloved cat! 12 year seems quite relieved and likes it here but my 8 year old is struggling so much with the change and different room/house. Trying to get it feeling more like her room and will be ordering her some furniture she can choose.

Thank you again for replying - any advice on how to settle the 8 year old greatly appreciated 😅 feeling so horrible right now and that she is going to be traumatised!

Op I agree you need to get it all sorted but the way he’s acting is the way any of us presented with this news is, the difference is just that he’s a man. He possibly didn’t see it coming where you’ve had time to prepare in your head. While I don’t disagree you need to leave you’re going to have problems with the kids if your thought process is why isn’t he ok with this? Because you’ll both clash even more

Hi yes I agree that he is acting in this way because he is hurt and needs time to process. But it is how he is acting that is meaning that we couldn’t be in that house, particularly with the 12 year old being subject to his moods. Since coming out of that situation, we have communicated about the kids and they have been FaceTiming and made a plan for this week to see him. I really don’t want to clash and not expecting him to be ok with it but felt that I had to do this for all our sakes!

We had sat down a week or so ago and made a plan for it to be in the New Year, but he was being amicable to change my mind, and this quickly broke down when I remained firm in my decision.