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Divorce/separation

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Original poster

Co-parenting with Ex-MIL

19 replies

TheMellowOrca · 07/11/2025 11:44

I’ve posted this in AIBU? But thought it might be better placed here.

Apologises this is so long, I am trying to give as much information as I can so I do not drip feed!
Myself and my husband split in June, and he moved into his mums house. She rents, and he pays rent to her. Myself and the ex-MIL have been no contact since I was 36 weeks pregnant with my youngest, as she has done various things in the past (that’s a WHOLE other thread!) and I text her outlining some boundaries and she told us that she had called the police to say that I was causing undue distress to her and my unborn child.
We have two children (DS3 & DD2). Ex-H asked to have the children for dinner on a Wednesday and then to stay Friday – Sunday every other weekend. To also have them for dinner on the Fridays that he didn’t have them at the weekend. I said that Friday – Wednesday might be a big gap (if he didn’t see them at the weekend) and to have them on a Tuesday instead, but if this didn’t work, we could come to another agreement.
Now, Tuesdays do not work. Since September DS has been in nursery 5 days a week and DD 4 days, Tuesday being the day she stays with me. Every Tuesday, there has been tears and distress with either one of the children. I won’t list them all, but essentially the children have not wanted to leave and go with him. I have encouraged them to but every week it’s the same. One week he did not get back in time to collect DS from nursery, his mother will collect him and then Ex-H comes and collect DD from me. The last time he didn’t get back until gone 6, which would mean him not seeing DD.
I have said that the contact day during the week needs to change to a Wednesday, so both children are collected from nursery, as on a Friday, they go with no issues.
His mother will not allow him to have the children on a Wednesday, no other reason than because I have requested it. This week he told me that they had workmen in so the children couldn’t be in the house, I said to take them out for dinner and then he could do bath and bedtime at mine. DS woke up the next morning very upset because Daddy wasn’t still there, that cant happen anymore. Its also come to light that there were no workman and Ex-MIL refused to have the children there. I have done my MIAM meeting with a mediator but he has refused to contact her.
I do not really know what I am asking here – but what do I do? I don’t know where to turn from here.

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 07/11/2025 11:49

You stop engaging with her
Arrange things with your ex and if he doesn't turn up when he is supposed to document it and move on
If his mother makes things difficult that needs to be between the 2 of them and not involve you at all

IsThisLifeNow · 07/11/2025 12:06

the word is co-parent. Your exMIL is not a co-parent so her whims and desires are nothing to do with you. Block her number and keep referring her to your EX if she manages to get through somehow.

Original poster
TheMellowOrca · 07/11/2025 12:06

Hoppinggreen · 07/11/2025 11:49

You stop engaging with her
Arrange things with your ex and if he doesn't turn up when he is supposed to document it and move on
If his mother makes things difficult that needs to be between the 2 of them and not involve you at all

Thank you for your reply.
I haven’t been engaging with her. Yesterday he told me to ‘be an adult’ and text her. So I sent one text yesterday explaining why it was in the children’s best interest to change the contact day. She didn’t respond.
Before that, I haven’t spoken to her in 2ish years.
I’ll do that, regarding the documenting and moving on 🙂

OP posts:
LemonTT · 07/11/2025 13:14

It’s hard to understand what he has asked for but it sounds like

week 1: Tuesday plus the weekend
week2: Tuesday and Friday eve.

What are your practical objections to this. By that I mean what unavoidable logistics mean you cannot keep to this schedule.

In general many parents work and occasionally or regularly use some form of childcare whilst being parents. When agreeing co parenting it is preferable that the time with each parent is just that, time with the parent. Where this is not the case and the other parent is able and willing, they should be with that parent.
But there is a difference between using childcare all weekend because you work all weekend and getting someone to do the occasional or regular pick up because you don’t finish till 5 on a Friday. The former isn’t ok. The latter is acceptable.

We can debate the merits of the preferences and dislikes of a 2 and 3 year old. However I think a judge would be dismissive that they prefer Wednesday to Tuesday.

I’m afraid you are engaging with his mother over the issue of a Wednesday. You are just doing it via him. She is blocking it to piss you off. Which you know and which you are reacting to. For example by being bothered they didn’t have workmen in or arguing they could out. This is all part of a battle for control between you and her.

Someone who was being objective would ask themselves, can I do Tuesday? If the answer is yes, then do Tuesday. It’s not a win for her because the objective person isn’t in a battle for control.

In all likelihood he won’t live with his mother for ever. He will move out and maybe have a new relationship. Then she will start new battles of control with someone else or him.

What you do control is the time they are with you. Make that all good time not spent being distracted by someone who isnt worth it.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 07/11/2025 13:22

If he is paying rent somewhere that doesn't allow him to see his children when it is best for all concerned, he needs to live somewhere else.

OldGothsFadeToGrey · 07/11/2025 13:22

I wouldn’t agree to both Fridays. You can never take them away for the weekend. This means he gets 3 out of 4 weekend nights (because you can’t do anything after dinner on a Friday) and when they start school you get the shit end of it every Sunday. Your kids have a right to a full weekend with you too.

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 07/11/2025 13:29

Stop engaging with her and i wouldn't agree to both fridays.
I wpuld also stay NC with mil.

Since he cant stand up to mummy
This is going to be acrimonious however you cut it.
I'd sit down work out what you want and you tell him how it will be and if he didnt like it i'd say see you in court.

Without a CO mil will be playing silly buggers until the kids are 16 + thats a lonnnng time.

Hoppinggreen · 07/11/2025 13:31

TheMellowOrca · 07/11/2025 12:06

Thank you for your reply.
I haven’t been engaging with her. Yesterday he told me to ‘be an adult’ and text her. So I sent one text yesterday explaining why it was in the children’s best interest to change the contact day. She didn’t respond.
Before that, I haven’t spoken to her in 2ish years.
I’ll do that, regarding the documenting and moving on 🙂

Show quote history

So all the nonsense is coming from him?
He might even be lying about why he can't actually parent adquately and blaming his Mummy
Either way, don't text her

Original poster
TheMellowOrca · 07/11/2025 13:33

OldGothsFadeToGrey · 07/11/2025 13:22

I wouldn’t agree to both Fridays. You can never take them away for the weekend. This means he gets 3 out of 4 weekend nights (because you can’t do anything after dinner on a Friday) and when they start school you get the shit end of it every Sunday. Your kids have a right to a full weekend with you too.

Edited

Yes, the every Friday is another thing that I wanted to raise in mediation. I never get the full weekend.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheMellowOrca · 07/11/2025 13:39

Hoppinggreen · 07/11/2025 13:31

So all the nonsense is coming from him?
He might even be lying about why he can't actually parent adquately and blaming his Mummy
Either way, don't text her

Show quote history

Yes, it’s all come through him. We had a good conversation before half term where he agreed the Tuesday were not working, but every 4-6 weeks he has a site that takes him 2.5 hours away from home and can stay there Tuesday - Friday. But he had come back on the Tuesday to see the children (but can’t do that on the Wednesday!?) that’s when he wasn’t turning up until later. I said that when he is on that job, he can see the children on the Monday instead. That way he wouldn’t be travelling back, and will get quality time with them. We were both happy with that agreement. Then Ex-MIL said it confused her too much and he had to keep to Tuesdays.

OP posts:
OldGothsFadeToGrey · 07/11/2025 13:40

TheMellowOrca · 07/11/2025 13:33

Yes, the every Friday is another thing that I wanted to raise in mediation. I never get the full weekend.

Show quote history

Just stop that now before it becomes the norm - courts don’t like to upset the status quo so if it continues you will be stuck with it. Message him and say it needs to be another weekday as you and the children are entitled to a full weekend too. Still fine to discuss in mediation but with you at a stronger bargaining point to keep your Friday.

Nonameagain31 · 07/11/2025 13:45

You don’t need mediation to raise it. A simple going forward weekends need splitting 50:50 so DC can spend time with both of us. You could split the weekends (I do this but amicable so if anyone wants full weekend it’s never been an issue!) or stick to eow.

If I’m reading this right, you want to change nights to make handover less stressful for your DC? I do think neutral handovers work best. Is your DC going on Tuesday despite the tears

I wouldn’t engage with mil at all.

The nuclear option would be too just tell him the children are no longer available on a Tuesday due to… and they will be available on either a Monday or Wednesday whichever works best and for him to let you know… a softer option would be to change the day DD is with you to a weds so nursery collection on a Tues. You could then spend the day together after her overnight stay.

OldGothsFadeToGrey · 07/11/2025 13:47

And absolutely don’t need to ‘be the grown up’ and message ex MIL. I wouldn’t message her ever again. Not your problem at all. That’s for him to manage.

NET145 · 07/11/2025 13:52

Be really really careful not to escalate this difficult situation if you possibly can. It sounds like a storm is brewing and if you cannot continue to coparent effectively, which requires flex on both sides and for you to get over the pettiness, you will be in for a world of pain in court for child arrangements which is just the worst. The children will also need to adjust and flex and will not always be happy, unfortunately - that is the nature of this transition to separate households

Original poster
TheMellowOrca · 07/11/2025 13:56

LemonTT · 07/11/2025 13:14

It’s hard to understand what he has asked for but it sounds like

week 1: Tuesday plus the weekend
week2: Tuesday and Friday eve.

What are your practical objections to this. By that I mean what unavoidable logistics mean you cannot keep to this schedule.

In general many parents work and occasionally or regularly use some form of childcare whilst being parents. When agreeing co parenting it is preferable that the time with each parent is just that, time with the parent. Where this is not the case and the other parent is able and willing, they should be with that parent.
But there is a difference between using childcare all weekend because you work all weekend and getting someone to do the occasional or regular pick up because you don’t finish till 5 on a Friday. The former isn’t ok. The latter is acceptable.

We can debate the merits of the preferences and dislikes of a 2 and 3 year old. However I think a judge would be dismissive that they prefer Wednesday to Tuesday.

I’m afraid you are engaging with his mother over the issue of a Wednesday. You are just doing it via him. She is blocking it to piss you off. Which you know and which you are reacting to. For example by being bothered they didn’t have workmen in or arguing they could out. This is all part of a battle for control between you and her.

Someone who was being objective would ask themselves, can I do Tuesday? If the answer is yes, then do Tuesday. It’s not a win for her because the objective person isn’t in a battle for control.

In all likelihood he won’t live with his mother for ever. He will move out and maybe have a new relationship. Then she will start new battles of control with someone else or him.

What you do control is the time they are with you. Make that all good time not spent being distracted by someone who isnt worth it.

Edited

I can keep to the schedule, but on the days he is back late, he can’t. On the Tuesdays he has been back late, I collected my DS and then Ex-H got here to do bedtime. But that’s confusing the children when he then isn’t here in the morning.

I just hate seeing them so upset leaving and not wanting to go. When that could be changed by them going on a different day and they’ve had to adjust to so much recently.

I hadn’t thought of it as me engaging with her, just through him, thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheMellowOrca · 07/11/2025 14:08

Nonameagain31 · 07/11/2025 13:45

You don’t need mediation to raise it. A simple going forward weekends need splitting 50:50 so DC can spend time with both of us. You could split the weekends (I do this but amicable so if anyone wants full weekend it’s never been an issue!) or stick to eow.

If I’m reading this right, you want to change nights to make handover less stressful for your DC? I do think neutral handovers work best. Is your DC going on Tuesday despite the tears

I wouldn’t engage with mil at all.

The nuclear option would be too just tell him the children are no longer available on a Tuesday due to… and they will be available on either a Monday or Wednesday whichever works best and for him to let you know… a softer option would be to change the day DD is with you to a weds so nursery collection on a Tues. You could then spend the day together after her overnight stay.

How do you split the weekends, if you do not mind me asking?

Yes, when he collects from childcare on a Friday, they are happy to see him. When they go from the house, then they are not. They have still gone, after a lot of encouragement.

I did try changing the nursery day, but they didn’t have any space available. Maybe I will try that again.

The weekdays, they do not stay, they are just there for dinner. Back home for 6 (if not bathed) or 7 (if bathed and ready for bed) so if he is then not getting back to them for 6, he isn’t seeing them

OP posts:
LemonTT · 07/11/2025 15:13

You are going to have to decide how you want to respond to his requests for you to help him when he can’t pick them up. Many people choose not to be default childcare for the ex and this is perfectly understandable. He has agreed to parent during this time and if he can’t pick them up he should get someone else to do it. That includes arranging pick ups when he can’t do it.

If you do agree to be default childcare this needs to be something you don’t throw back in his face. As advised you need to log this if it is a regular thing.

I would also push for him to have them overnight on his mid week. You will want one day a week when you don’t have to do the school run. Believe me this is a good thing for you.

Jas683 · 07/11/2025 18:36

Hoppinggreen · 07/11/2025 11:49

You stop engaging with her
Arrange things with your ex and if he doesn't turn up when he is supposed to document it and move on
If his mother makes things difficult that needs to be between the 2 of them and not involve you at all

I totally agree with this post.

Nonameagain31 · 09/11/2025 20:23

TheMellowOrca · 07/11/2025 14:08

How do you split the weekends, if you do not mind me asking?

Yes, when he collects from childcare on a Friday, they are happy to see him. When they go from the house, then they are not. They have still gone, after a lot of encouragement.

I did try changing the nursery day, but they didn’t have any space available. Maybe I will try that again.

The weekdays, they do not stay, they are just there for dinner. Back home for 6 (if not bathed) or 7 (if bathed and ready for bed) so if he is then not getting back to them for 6, he isn’t seeing them

Show quote history

My youngest has set routine as he is 3. Monday at 5pm until weds at 8am. And Friday 3:30pm until Saturday at 5pm.

older two, week one. Friday night at dads come home in morning as he works. Week two Saturday early afternoon till Monday.
they are older now so lot more relaxed about how they choose to spend their time tho.

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