Just divorced and feeling down

[Nickibgood]

Hi, after 6 long years I finally got divorced yesterday and am feeling totally miserable. I thought I would be happy about it but feel like I've taken 10 steps backwards. While the split has been amicable for the sake of our children he really isn't someone I want in my life anymore so why am I so upset. I think the what upset me most was that in court he was asked to confirm our wedding day (with the marriage certificate in front of him) and he couldn't even do that. It makes me feel like the last 21 years of marriage and the 10 years before that have just been a waste of my life. I know this too shall pass but right now I am struggling big time. No need for anyone to respond just needed to get it out there.

Be kind to yourself today OP. You are mourning the marriage, not the man.

💐 for you. I've been there. I used to look at couples and critique the woman, going "I'm younger/slimmer/prettier than her. Why can't I have a man?" It was pointless and rather stupid but then I would look at the man and decide I wouldn't want him anyway. Or I would decide that if my ex asked to come back, I would take him. But then I would make a mental list of all the reasons why it wouldn't have worked. So I would make a list of the reasons why I was happier without him.
This will pass. Sometimes I had to wrench my thoughts away forcibly but eventually it helped. Good luck

What caused the split? Was it just a sense of drifting apart & becoming room mates or was their abuse/cheating?

I think when its the first, finalisation of the divorce can be underwhelming, you arent "free" in the way someone leaving an arsehole is.

My separation is so far been amicable and it’s been horrible and horrendous. Every new step that happens kind of launches me back to the hard days when I wonder if I shouldn’t just have stuck with it. They make me question everything.

now you’re divorced this is the biggest step so yes be kind to yourself and you’ll feel like this for a bit - perhaps anxious and depressed - maybe a day or a few days. But you will start to come out of it.

if you don’t have a list of why you divorced write one out straight away. Really get into it.

i also have one of what I liked about the marriage and again this has to be real and not romanticised potential events. It’s healthy to acknowledge why you wanted out as well as the gaps this divorce will create - and you can make your peace with that.

I’ve just bought my husband out of my house and it’s way too big for me without him in it - funny hey! I go from can’t wait for him to move out to being very anxious that things are barrelling towards the actual divorce. It’s like I want to stop it but I know we don’t work any more and we only have one life.

Just think of it for what it is, a piece of paper!

You were in essence divorced when you went your separate ways, it would have been at least 6months for everyone, 6 years in your case - thats a long time. Its and admin task, just say to your self you divorced 6 years ago.

It can be a depressing thought that you've wasted years on the wrong man. It's also a depressing time of year. No harm in sitting in gloom for a little while.
But, your marriage produced your children and probably taught you loads ... and it probably wasn't all bad. Plus, you now have the rest of your life free of conflict. The hard work of the divorce is done. Can you make some positive plans for the new year?

All of the above.

I was divorced after nearly 30 years married, 34 together.

Divorce was my choice. I knew I had time left in my life to feel comfortable, be happier, make a life for myself.

You need to give yourself time to be the new you. It takes a while but you can control the path your life takes.

I think its absolutely natural to have the feelings you have. Embrace it and don't focus too much on why.

Have a good day.

You will be ok.
I couldn’t wait to be divorced, was counting the days till I could click on the final order button. We hadn’t had a functioning marriage for literally years and years. But I astonished myself by crying when the email arrived to say the marriage was legally over, and not entirely from relief. Like a PP says, as long as you’re not escaping with blessed relief from an unmitigated arsehole, then there’s bound to be mixed feelings.
Remind yourself that what you’re feeling is 100% normal.
And congratulations! This elegiac feeling will pass, and then it’s on with your beautiful new life x

Oh, and my XH wouldn’t have known the date we got married either. It’s infuriating but don’t let it upset you.

Oh, I really feel your words. Even when we know deep down that the relationship has run its course, it can still feel like grief — especially after sharing so many years and memories.
Please know that nothing was wasted. Those years shaped you and helped you grow in ways you may not even see yet.
Be gentle with yourself — it’s okay to feel sad, angry, confused, or even empty for a while. Healing after a long marriage takes time. Sending you love and strength 💗

Because it will take time for your heart to heal.
And it will. 🩷

Start doing things that make you feel good about yourself. What had you denied yourself or stopped doing while married that you can go back to or try?
You now get a do-over. Make it count. 💐

I truly sympathise because it’s not just the relationship that is over but your visions of how you thought your life was going to be. That said, you have your children and there was still value in those years. You have had to be brave and gracious to get through this and make it amicable for the children. Well done. You are bound to feel grief for this ending but now it is the start of a new phase of your life. Be kind to yourself and spend the energy that was channelled into him on yourself.
Good luck OP. You will get through this 💐