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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

Unmarried - separation - mesher order?

39 replies

Crocodilepark · 06/11/2025 21:13

Been together for 10 years. Twins age 5. He earns about 120k and gets a bonus that varies but generally 20-40 each year. I stopped work when the twins were born but if I can get back into my old role would earn around 50k. We have a house I love that we have owned for 6 years that is worth about 1m, I put all the deposit in but obviously he has paid most of the mortgage.

what are my chances of keeping the house? I can’t afford it on a mortgage on my own so would need him to be on the mortgage still. Things are not great between us but could a mesher order work here?

what are my chances of spousal support given we aren’t married but that he earns so much more and the children are used to that. I would want the children most of the time and would suggest every other weekend and a weekly midweek night for him, I’m not sure if he will agree but he works away a lot so can’t really see how he would have them more.

quire confused and worried.

OP posts:

OnlyMabelInTheBuilding · 09/11/2025 10:02

LemonTT · 09/11/2025 10:00

There is a legal route to protect children’s interests when couples who aren’t married split up. This does allow for a type of “mesher” order that ensures the children are adequately housed and that lifestyles are maintained.

The cap on CMS means that wealthy and high income cases are settled via other legal means, not by the CMS. It signals that the government agency isn’t designed for cases like this. A court can and does agree settlements including requiring the father to provide a home for the children. This won’t change the amount of equity you are entitled to. That support and maintenance would still be required under a 50:50 co parenting arrangement.

OP, we don’t know the details of you case and you need to dampen expectations because whilst it sounds like this may be solution it is an uncertain shot. He doesn’t sound that wealthy and his income isn’t that huge.

In terms of housing, even in a high cost area, you don’t need a £1m home for you and two kids. It would be incredibly detrimental to tie him into an arrangement to stay on the mortgage and not release the equity. Even on his high salary there must be a decent amount of equity. So if you are getting a five or six figure payout, then you should be able to house yourself and the children.

This is where the settlement is potentially problematic for you. A large capital payout means you can’t claim benefits. Without a job you can’t get a mortgage. Which means that capital could be spent on rent unless the settlement allows you to buy outright.

You should really consider going back to work. And accepting his willingness to coparent 50:50 as it facilitates you working. You are also really dependent on him keeping his job.

I think you do need a solicitor but it is going to be an expensive and uncertain outcome for you. Which could end in nothing more than your share of the equity plus the max child support anyway.

OP’s partner earns below the CMS cap. Even if his bonus sometimes takes him £10k over one year, this isn’t court territory. You have to be far beyond the £156k cap for this.

LemonTT · 09/11/2025 13:35

OnlyMabelInTheBuilding · 09/11/2025 10:02

OP’s partner earns below the CMS cap. Even if his bonus sometimes takes him £10k over one year, this isn’t court territory. You have to be far beyond the £156k cap for this.

Show quote history

I didn’t say it was and I did say she was unlikely to get more than cap. But she isnt without legal recourse which is what a lot of posters are saying because she isn’t married. It’s not that simple and rightly so.

I’m not entirely sure why people gleefully tell people they and their children have no recourse if they aren’t married. It is entirely possible for the children of a rich man who isn’t married to their mother to be housed according to lifestyle.

millymollymoomoo · 09/11/2025 18:08

Op would have to try to make a claim
via sch 1 of childrens act.

as we don’t know how much equity there is and what is needed to house her and children we don’t know if that’s likely to be successful- but it’s likely to be costly.
op will also dedicated to work ft and has stated she can earn 50k a year - not a low earner by any means. It’s highly unlikely op ex will be expected to maintain her in the fmh especially if there’s a large mortgage. He also will need housing suitable for himself and 2 children as well as paying cms assuming he doesn’t do 50:50 shared care. He’s not an exceptionally high earner so unless there’s wealth elsewhere not through earnings most likely op will end up with 50:50 equity and cms

Original poster

Crocodilepark · 10/11/2025 11:28

OnlyMabelInTheBuilding · 09/11/2025 10:02

OP’s partner earns below the CMS cap. Even if his bonus sometimes takes him £10k over one year, this isn’t court territory. You have to be far beyond the £156k cap for this.

Show quote history

Just out of interest what happens if you are sufficiently above the cap?

thank you for the replies. I am originally from overseas and not totally familiar with the systems here so have been googling a lot.

i see we will have to do mediation?

OP posts:

millymollymoomoo · 10/11/2025 11:55

A court can apply higher cms on the full earnings

then he can request, and get 50:50 shares care - especially as you’ll also be working ft right …..

LemonTT · 10/11/2025 13:28

The court is able to apply wider discretion than the CMS to specific cases. This will involve ensuring that the richer party does address life style disparities including providing equitable housing, paying school fees and much higher child support.

Examples would be a premier league footballer who has a child with someone they aren’t married to and split from. They are usually required to provide an expensive home and a level of support to ensure the child is brought up with the same lifestyle as they live.

He is unlikely to be able to afford 2x £1m houses on an income of c£120-160k pa. The lifestyle disparity between someone who earns £50k and £120k won’t be huge once you factor in tax, pension contributions child support and benefits. He may have a bit more disposable income but it won’t be paying for a yacht or 2 weeks at the four seasons. He will only be able to afford a modest property.

If you are getting a sizeable chunk of equity you can rent or buy. To buy you will need to have a job. Renting will eat up all your capital before you get benefits.

Abracadabrador · 10/11/2025 13:45

Crocodilepark · 10/11/2025 11:28

Just out of interest what happens if you are sufficiently above the cap?

thank you for the replies. I am originally from overseas and not totally familiar with the systems here so have been googling a lot.

i see we will have to do mediation?

Show quote history

Mediation for what?

Lovingbooks · 10/11/2025 14:08

You can’t expect him to pay a mortgage on a house he doesn’t live in. You are unmarried best to try to negioate a settlement from any jointly owned property. Then use it towards something you can afford.

OnlyMabelInTheBuilding · 10/11/2025 14:19

Crocodilepark · 10/11/2025 11:28

Just out of interest what happens if you are sufficiently above the cap?

thank you for the replies. I am originally from overseas and not totally familiar with the systems here so have been googling a lot.

i see we will have to do mediation?

Show quote history

Honestly it’s mostly for people like footballers etc. Your ex is not really a high earner.

Mediation is for married couples heading for divorce.

I don’t think you’re understanding how fundamental the difference in splitting money and ongoing support is, because you were not married.

Lovingbooks · 10/11/2025 14:25

From you opening post you are expecting no change in circumstances but he doesn’t have to support you put his earnings in CMS calculator that is what he can pay to support your children. If you are separating then start looking for employment. If the house has a large mortgage not sure why you are expecting to keep the house when you can’t afford to take over the mortgage.

LemonTT · 10/11/2025 18:13

OnlyMabelInTheBuilding · 10/11/2025 14:19

Honestly it’s mostly for people like footballers etc. Your ex is not really a high earner.

Mediation is for married couples heading for divorce.

I don’t think you’re understanding how fundamental the difference in splitting money and ongoing support is, because you were not married.

Show quote history

Not it’s not just for married couples.

They need to discuss co parenting and financial support because they have children and as parents they responsibilities. Which includes making sure their children are adequately housed.

In the absence of an alternative solution for housing the father may well have to pay for a house he doesn’t live in. They just can’t default to legislation for divorce. But a court can rule her has to stay on the mortgage and even pay the mortgage. It just doesn’t seem to apply to the OP.

GreenFrogYellow · 10/11/2025 18:46

It sounds like you want to have the protection of a married spouse just because he earns and you don’t.

jeaux90 · 11/11/2025 11:25

OP in the UK there is no protection for unmarried couples. The only legal agreement you might want to get in place is a CAO for the agreement over the children. I would encourage you to do this if there is any difficulty between you (or for example you want to take the twins to visit family abroad and he doesn’t want you to) A CAO can be handy also for taking to the CMS. You also might want legal advice on the house you definitely need to secure the deposit back and some of the capital. But it depends if it was in both your names. You need legal advice on this.

lizzyBennet08 · 11/11/2025 17:06

Honestly op. Any court would base it on your going back to work and earning 50 ish and getting cm from your ex partner based on his earnings. Mesher orders wouldn't apply here ( honestly they would be unlikely even if you were married as courts are reluctant to tie two people together for years and years and prefer a clean break.
it's very unlikely you'll be able to keep a house worth a million on your own based on your earnings even if your ex was willing to walk away from his equity which is unlikely I would think.

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