Financial Settlement

[Meggymoo85]

Im about to go to mediation with my ex husband.
Our situation is that we both earn around the same (£55k ish) and have £300k in house equity between us.
However, my pension is much bigger than his - mine is estimated to be £200k and his is around £50.

We have 3 DC who live with me and spend one night a week with exH.

Ive offered him 50% share of the house and in return asked that he leave my pension alone. He initially agreed but has since changed his mind.

So, given that the kids live with me, ive decided to push for a 60% share of the equity and will offer a portion of my pension to make up for it.

Does this seem fair? EX Wants 50% of the house and a share of my pension. Im unwilling to do this as I have primary care of the kids and need to house them suitably.
But, on the other hand, I just want this to be over and am losing sight of what's realistic.

A 50:50 split would see you keeping your pension + just £75k of house equity + CM (?£700/m or something like that) but I assume that wouldn't be enough to house the children?

50:50 on equity and pension will make you equal given you both earn the same. Why wouldn’t it cover housing costs for both of you.

50:50 on house and pension. He also needs to house the children

Why do you think you're entitled to more of the house and your combined pension pots? It's not clear from your post.

Why is his pension pot so much smaller?

I have the children 90% of the time. They live with me. There are 3 of them and I feel like they need a room each with me. But not necessarily with him as they only stay there 1 night a week.
I do have a greater need than him because there are four of us and I need a house that fits us all!?

I understand that ill need to give up part of my pension. But feel that I need extra money now as I need to be able to house the kids.
We both have 20 odd years of working left so im hoping to be able to make up my pension pot over the years.

Im under the impression (maybe wrongly) that pensions aren't necessarily simple. Its not a case that one big pot that is split and divided up.
That 50/50 is a starting point and that the needs of each party are considered. Surely, as I have the DC with me most of the time, I have an argument for a bigger share of the overall pot?
Is that unrealistic?

Yes, you need a bigger part of the split if the children live with you. Presumably your earning power over the next ten years will be reduced as you're primary carer for three children?

What does your solicitor say? The family court don't care about equality between adults, they care entirely about whether the children are provided for. The split should reflect that.

I think you’re being unrealistic a bit yes

although the real question is why will he only have them 1 night a week and what will happen in the holidays?

He only has them one night a week because, fir various reasons, that's all he can cope with. He has some mental health problems.
He doesn't have them for any extra time during the holidays. Im a teacher so am off work anyway so, there's no real need and he's never asked. Its been this way for 4 years as we've been separated that long. Ive also paid the mortgage since we separated, although he has paid rent so I know that needs to be considered.
My solicitor is quite vague. She thinks I have a chance of getting a 60/40 split, but obviously that would still mean giving him more house equity if I were to try and keep my pension.
So, im hoping to sacrifice some pension in order to have more equity now so that I can house the children while they need it.
His pension is less as he didnt always pay into it.

Its just so depressing to think that, I could end up with less of the house equity than him. We have the same mortgage raising ability so me and 3 kids would be able to get a smaller house than he would- while living on his own. I just cant see how thats fair.

you don’t have to give necessarily more than 50% of equity but it will likely mean you share greater than what you’re offering re pension share

you need to balance out costs ( both £ and stress) to spend money on trying to hold your line and get more vs agreeing 50:50 and getting it done

what is his position ie what is his proposal ?

btw his mortgage raising capacity will be lower than yours - as he’d be paying cms to you if his only has children 1 night a week over the whole year so his mortgage will reduce because of that while yours would be raised a bit

How old are the children? Any way to defer the financials so you can continue to house them? (Although the expectation is that at 18 they magically don’t need any support!).

We've had an agreement to defer sale if the house for 5 years until the two eldest are over 18. The consent order was drawn up but he pulled out and decided to ask for mediation.
I suspect what he'll do is to ask for more contact with the kids on order to try and reduce his CM. Im not too worried about this as he has a diagnosis of paranoid schizophrenia, takes high does of sedative medication, has previously been in a secure unit following a violent attack and has taken an overdose of his medication in the last 6 months. So, I cant see him get much more access.

But the financial and mental load of fighting this is taking its toll on me and im not sure how much more I can take.

I just want to be able to house the kids reasonably and move on with my life.

So what is his proposal ? How far disconnected are you ? If you know that you can weigh up costs of continuing back and forth and possibly ending in court with no defined outcome or can get to an agreement

how old are the children now ?

At this point, im ready to give him my whole bloody pension if it means I get enough equity to buy a suitable house and manage financially for the next few years.

The kids are 9, 13 and 14.
I dont know what his proposal is yet.
I suspect its a 60/40 split of equity in his favour plus some of my pension.
I also think he'll ask for further contact nights, in order to reduce his CM.

To be honest, id rather him not pay at all than give him more access. He isnt able to be a proper Dad and id worry about the kids wellbeing.

I last divorced ten years ago so might be out of date. Judges prefer a clean break and dealing with pensions is anything but. It's a really difficult market for selling a property right now and it might not realise what you hope for. There are so many considerations. Mediation is to talk it through, see how it goes.

You should be able to get 50% of the equity. If you want to preserve your pension at the cost of equity share then that is your choice. The consequence of which is a smaller home.

will 50% of the equity plus a mortgage buy you a 3 bed? If the answer is yes then it makes the case for more equity weak. This is the evidence he can show to argue your needs are met with an equal split. And the children’s housing needs will be met and he will be paying you child support.

From the court’s perspective the cost of being the primary parent is dealt with via CMS. Whether you think that is right won’t be debated in court.

i think you can go to mediation and say no, though,

The options for him are then to take it to court or to compromise on what he is asking.
You then also have the opportunity to compromise. But I would start in mediation by saying what you need and why. Don’t give up your whole pension to keep the equity. You will need your pension when you are older and you don’t know what will happen in the next twenty years. It’s an asset of the marriage but only half of it.

my basic sums are 150k equity each
there is 175k discrepancy in the pensions. So half of that is slightly above 87k. So that’s the ceiling, not the whole pension. In terms of the fact that he has not paid into his pension, the question I would ask is whether the money he would have paid in went on supporting the family or house or anything like that, or himself.

It sounds like someone has been in your exes ear regarding your pension, as he previously agreed to leave it and has now changed his mind. Pensions can be valuable and he's probably been told it's a poor financial decision to exclude it.

I think ill just about be able to afford a 3 bed. I think my problem is that I know it would break my boys hearts to have to share a room. They've never had to share - and they will both really struggle with it. I hate that ill be putting them in this position. Especially while they are about to do GCSE's.
Ill have to look at me sleeping in the living room or something.

Its frustrating that his pension is so small, but to be fair, its not all his fault as he has struggled with his mental health for years and as a result has been in and out of work.
I worked part time for years when the kids were little but have still managed to build up a bigger pension pot.

The reality of the situation is difficult to accept, especially as ive been through so many years of supporting him while we were married. Im shocked that he seems to want to squeeze every penny out of me, especially when I provide nearly everything for the kids.

What you need to consider above anything else is whether the 10% extra you want to fight for is worth the cash value by risking going to court and seeing all that cash value disappear in solicitors and court fees so in the end, neither of you, and therefore the children benefit from it.

You have the children with you, but he could be considered a vulnerable adult at higher risk of financial difficulty in the future, so going to court could backfire.

The best way forward is either you accept that 50/50 with maintenance at cms level or a bit extra is indeed perfectly reasonable or you compromise somewhere halfway what you are both wanting.

Yes I agree that his mental health and inability to work at times could well work in his favour in court.