It has to start with me, their mother and grandmother.
1993, We met at a local nightclub. I was recently divorced with two young kids, who were my world. He had been in a volatile relationship after cheating on his wife. He had 3 girls. I ignored alarm bell number one where he told me he had 2 girls. He later told me he didn’t want to scare me off.
Slow and subtle was how he worked. The odd comment about my family, me being too involved with them, used as a childminder by my sisters and “you don’t need all that makeup” As things progressed, we rowed a lot and made up a lot. In 1996 my then 11 year old eldest son asked to live with his dad. We talked and I asked him if it was because of him. Do you not like him, I asked. His response “ I just don’t think he likes us very much” referring to “us”and him and his younger sister. That should have been the catalyst for me to leave but I didn’t. I ignored alarm bell number two. We went on to marry and have have two boys and I had no idea I was disappearing as a person.
After several attempts to leave I finally did it in February 2006 following his arrest for sexual assault against me. I remember arriving at work and my close co workers had put a banner up. It said MARCH 16th. That was his bail date. He was found not guilty through lack of evidence.
On the upside I was free. I could begin to mend the relationships and damage caused to my children. How naive was I. He had a tight grip on our two boys, especially the older one of the two. There were no holds barred when it came to how badly he spoke about me to the children. The younger one stayed with me in the main but when he was with his father, he would come back to me angry, aggressive and confused. I had no chance with our older son, he was brainwashed. I couldn’t fight back because their father would never speak to me directly, he weaponised his sons and they of course believed him. They were frightened of him. He would leave them with his daughter from his previous marriage before contemplating contacting me if he had to work when it was his contact time. He rode roughshod over the court order through manipulation of the boys, convincing them they should not see me.
It’s only been in the last couple of years that the boys have told me of some of their experiences. The youngest was once pinned up against the wall by his drunken father because he insisted on coming to me for his contact week. He was told he was ungrateful and disloyal. He also said he once buried a cereal bowl in the garden that he’d broken, so afraid of what his father would do.
The eldest of the two told me as an adult that he came to some realisation that his fathers behaviour wasn’t normal when his then girlfriends parents split. He said that despite the fact an affair was involved, there was never any disrespectful behaviour from either parent. These two boys, now men went on to have volatile toxic relationships with women. The eldest formed a relationship with a women 15 years his senior with a diagnosed personality disorder. I could pick out many incidents and events but one stands out when they went to a friends wedding in Ireland in 2022, I had a frantic call from him, crying and distraught he told me she’d ruined the wedding, was very drunk and he’d had enough as she was accusing him of all sorts. I pleaded with him to come home but he assured me he was safe as there were lots of people around who’d seen her behaviour. Again I stressed, if you don’t leave she will have you arrested , he didn’t leave until she did make false allegations against him. He was arrested, bailed and lost the job he loved as a primary school teacher. When we hear innocent until proven guilty, it’s just not so. All it takes is an allegation to ruin lives. His court case is pending. He chose not to be dealt with at magistrates court but to prove his innocence at crown court. That meant he couldn’t teach. We’ve become very close over the last 5 years or so and I couldn’t get to him any earlier as it would have meant defending myself to them as children, against their father, not helpful for them to be pulled in both directions so I waited it out.
Moving on to youngest of the two. His first girlfriend had personality disorder too. After they ended, he very quickly became involved with another girl. Boy the alarm bells he ignored. She had told him at the start she was being treated for breast cancer and could speak fluent Italian. Neither of course was true. There were several allegations she made against her co workers and random members of the public throughout their relationship, who she said had sexually assaulted her. They were both only 18 when they met and went on to have two beautiful children, now 3 and 1. This young lady was very difficult to get to know, had issues within her own family, particularly her mother and appeared to have some kind of issue with the truth. After the umpteenth call from him for help,with the children or to drive over there because she was either bleeding out, had fainted, had a twisted bowel, collapsed lung, the list was endless. The last time I went over there, was February 2025 when my son had taken their now 1 year old to his fathers to watch football, leaving their 3 year old with her mother. He called me to say his partner had fainted after passing a lot of blood. I told him I’d go to her. We had what I thought was a supportive chat where she admitted there was nothing wrong with her, well not physically. I urged her to seek help, told her I would help and support her as this couldn’t continue.
She sent me a thank you message the following day and said she was going to get help. Great I thought. Well it all went downhill from there. Much later my son told me she claimed I shouted at her and threatened to take the children away during that visit. Again, completely untrue.
While I was on holiday later that month, my son called me. He asked if I’d spoken to anyone about the children. I had no idea where this was going but it turned out that his partner had called social services claiming domestic abuse. She said she thought it was her friend that had called them and even told my son “I’ll never speak to her again” but later it transpired she herself had made the call. It didn’t come to anything with all parties accepting that the children were loved and cared for. I must say, my 3 year old granddaughter is particularly close to her father. When I think back, I never saw her mother kiss, cuddle or in fact guide or discipline. I’d tried very tactfully to encourage her to take the children out of the house, have play dates rather than all day TV so I’d go over and take them all out while my son was at work or I’d have my granddaughter with me, take her to the park, soft play and meet ups with co workers and their children. Over the next couple of months my son became even more closed off and quiet but sometimes would call me in a meltdown where he felt he was trying to hold them all together. He said the house was a big mess when he got home, he was spending weekends catching up with housework, shopping and laundry and he said she was running up debt. Things were getting bad and I had this awful feeling that she was going to do something serious so I told my son I was concerned for him as she seemed to resent being called out for feigning illness some moths earlier. When I told him I think we’re seeing history repeating here, she is going to have you arrested, his reply was “ well she can’t, I haven’t done anything” I reminded him about his brother but he was in complete denial. One week later he called me. She’s left he said. I asked him what happened. He said she came home drunk last night, we argued because she said she’d be home at 6 and came home at 11 and she left after punching me in the face.
For the next week, she refused to come home or have her children, saying “they prefer you anyway” This wasn’t the first time she’d up and left, it was just the first time he’d told me about it. Then out of the blue, a text from her mother to him that she was in hospital again. She’d taken tablets and made a statement to the police of domestic abuse. The children had been in his sole care for the week, with my help and my daughters. He was arrested on her allegation, spent 8 hours in a cell and she was allowed back to their home, he was bailed for 5 weeks, stayed with me and cried for his kids. He couldn’t get any information after he was released with no further action as she had left the home on day 10 of his bail and taken the children to a refuge, this was despite there being no threat to her. My granddaughter was taken out of her nursery, her home and away from her family. The pain of her feeling her dad and family had abandoned her was heartbreaking. We instructed a solicitor and family court proceedings began. At the first directions hearing, we were fully expecting contact to be resumed, we were so excited at the thought of seeing the children. I sat outside a cafe waiting for him to come out of the hearing. Finally when he arrived, there was no good news, quite the opposite. She had made new allegations of multiple rapes and drugging, and one allegation that my son had stamped on his daughter stomach and that his daughter had said he did so in front of a health visitor. None of these allegations had ever been reported to the police either during her recent statement, prior to it or to date. No safeguarding has been raised by the health visitor although the court have ordered this evidence be presented at the next fact finding hearing. We are told by her para legal that they’re having difficulty with this. This meant the status quo remained in place until the fact finding. No contact.
It’s been six months since my son has seen his children, more importantly since they have seen him. The youngest has had his first birthday and taken his first steps during this time and we have no idea where they are.
There was another directions hearing late September. My son was granted indirect contact once a month by way of letter to and from the children. This “hour” hearing took 8 minutes and the children are 3 and 1.
All of this on an unfounded allegation. With the court backlog as it is, it could be another six months before he sees them. His little girl will have no idea why he was there one minute then gone from her life the next. The cruelest thing is, she knows (mother) just how much their daughter loves her dad and she hasn’t flinched once. She also knows how much he loves his children, that he would never harm them or anyone else. We have texts of sorry for what I did when I hit you from her to him and her confirming he’s a good dad. None of this is considered for the sake of these children. A video call between the children and their dad was denied by her, decisions are being made unilaterally about their nursery care and schooling.
I’ve done a lot of reading these last few months and this woman displays all the traits of a true narcissist. I believe this is all being done in the hope she can avoid her biggest fear. Being called out on lies. The family court allows for this to happen.
The case he has is strong, evidence based and the entire truth. I know because he handed me his phone and said read every text and tell me if I’m a control freak, I did and he isn’t. I’ve no doubt we will get contact and his solicitor agrees, however the damage is being done to these vulnerable children every day because the court system is broken and it’s beyond cruel. And then there’s the women who have experienced real domestic violence and abuse. What does this kind of behaviour do for them?
All this needed was someone with a modicum of common sense to sit in a room with them both, go through their versions, check out their phone history, see them both with the children and all this damage and heartbreak, not to mention the thousands of pounds in court costs, not just to me but the tax payer too could be avoided. And they ask why the courts are in such a mess. I know first hand what domestic abuse looks like and feels like. If I believed for one second any of her claims were true, I’d be advocating for her.
To summarise, my two sons are not perfect but they’re kind, hard working and they’re good people. What they’ve lacked is a decent childhood borne out of a fathers need to control and manipulate and a mother that didn’t have the strength and courage to leave sooner, take them with her and never look back. They are having to learn as adults what a healthy relationship looks like. Despite these awful experiences, they’ve shown strength and diligence, sought some good counselling and taken responsibility, without blame for where they are. They are both fully aware that they chose these relationships just as I did., My hopes for both of them are that they learn to choose more wisely in the future.
My eldest two from my first marriage are also wonderful human beings, well balanced and successful. I hope in part down to the honest conversations we’ve had about my second marriage and a deep knowing that I’ve always loved them dearly. Conversations must include sorry. Sorry I wasn’t strong enough then, I was before him and I am after him. Sorry I wasn’t completely there, I’m back now.
All we can do now is to keep on fighting to have these children back in our lives so they can enjoy the love and support we all have for them.
Moral of the story - don’t ignore the alarm bells.