What do I need to do first?

[sladtheinkaler]

Husband of 20 years has told me he's been having an affair for the last 4 years. We're married with three teenage children. Own a house that we don't live in. Rent a house that we do. He has been financially supporting this woman with family money, and there is nothing left. Less than £2,500. I had no idea. He is the main earner but I work full time too as a teacher.

Obviously I'm reeling. I feel sick and light headed. I think I'm in shock.

What do I need to do first?

The children think everything is normal. The whole conversation was quiet and nobody shouted or threw things.

Gather all financial information such as house value, any mortgage left on it, savings, investments, values of expensive hobby equipment, cars, bikes. You will need payslips/P60, pensions etc (for both of you) then book a one off consultation with a solicitor. Mine cost £200 and it was invaluable.

Edit - if you do decide to divorce you can start the process online for £600 by yourself. You'll need a solicitor for the financial side. Have a look at Form E on the gov.uk website as youll both have to fill one each. It's a big document but most people won't have tomfill it all in, so don't panic.

I don't think he'll give me one of his payslips or details of the mortguage or value of the house we own.

You are married and that house is also yours. Get an estate agent in to value it.

A solicitor will get the other information out of him but you can make note of where his pensions are. Same for bank accounts - know where they are.

Remove the £2500 immediately from your account. If anyone asks you spent it on a holiday.
Get a good solicitor even if it means paying extra.
Get 3 different Valuations from estate agents for the property you own.
Get pension details and payslips before he destroys them

Fuuuuuck. I feel kind of dizzy. Light headed. Nauseous.

I have an interview for a promotion on Monday.

I'm supposed to be writing reports.

What are we going to tell the children? This will break their hearts.

What about Christmas?

Sadly he’s had time on his side and most likely has diverted/hide assets.
While he’s being calm, calmly ask for the financial information since he’s sharing the affair details ask for the financial details?

Book an appt with a solicitor
Start educating yourself about divorce process and financial split principles online

you should have basic understanding of what you earn, what he earns, the value of your house, whether there are pensions

you dont need to have all that for a first appointment with a solicitor - the divorce process will ask for financial declarations. How has be been supporting his own? And what sorts of values?

you can start divorce online if you wish

in the short term
is he moving out ?
who will pay what
what access arrangements will there be to children ( likely to be v upset and not want to go at least for a while ……)

you have a long marriage so the general principle will be 50:50 split of total assets ( each assets can be more or less to reach overall outcome ) unless there’s significant reason to deviate

yiu don’t have to do anything right now ….. it’s a shock. You can also take your time to process emotions for a bit and then decide

most people don’t have payslips and pensions papers - it’s all online so he can’t destroy them. But op probably can’t access them !

Seek reliable support from solicitor and good friends. Create yourself a support network for this situation.

Good luck and be kind to yourself x

Seek reliable support from solicitor and good friends. Create yourself a support network for this situation.

Good luck and be kind to yourself x

Do you have access to your own money? Is your salary paid into a joint account? My lovely ex cleared out our joint account.

You need to get a valuation of your teachers' pension (for divorce purposes).

If hes left apply for CMS

You need to get a valuation of your teachers' pension (for divorce purposes).

If hes left apply for CMS