Rape? Some kind of sexual assault? Or actually not that big of a deal?

[RebelScum]

Sorry if this is the wrong place for this, I wasn't really sure where to put it...

Before my bastard husband walked out I was completely oblivious that anything was wrong in our marriage. Turns out he is an extremely skilled liar and manipulator (and I am a naive, trusting idiot )

When he left a lot of his lies finally came to light. Who knows if I found out everything, but some of what I did find out involved vast quantities of 'missing' money, some drug taking, cheating, and of course, his well-laid plans to leave.

As I mentioned above, I had had no idea what he was up to, he was completely 'normal' with me, and as such he was affectionate and physical. He was still having sex with me, very regularly, until the day before he left.

I have been feeling increasingly distressed about this.

All those weeks, maybe months, he was lying to me, planning to leave, but keeping quiet so he could still have sex with me. If I had known the truth I would never have let him touch me. I feel violated. Is sex by deception a 'thing'? He never forced me, never held me down, nothing like that, but even so I feel dirty like I've been abused somehow... (Which then makes me feel like an awful person because it hardly compares to what so many women have to go through.)

I'm not stupid, I realise no one will care about this regardless. The police won't care. Courts won't care. But I feel that I need to understand what happened to me to be able to process it properly, and right now I don't understand at all.

Your feelings are valid. Nobody here has any right to label what you've just described. If I were you I would seek therapy to try and deeper understand your feelings to what you've been through. All the best x

No one in power might care but I do. I agree that having sex with someone when you know they wouldn't consent if they knew is repulsive. I'msorry.

Yes " rape by deception" is a thing OP.
It was talked about when the scandal of the undercover cops starting families with the women they were spying on was in the news.
I'm so sorry you have experienced such underhand, lying, manipulative behaviour.

It’s a big deal. He’s an absolute deceptive shitbag. Don’t call yourself an idiot, you’re not. This is on him, not you. I’m so sorry he hurt you.

This is not your fault. Don't berate yourself for his shitty behaviour, that's totally on him. You will find that getting professional assistance to understand and process what he has done to you will help you come to terms with it. You can put it behind you and be happy again. This was my experience.

Thank you all so much for such kind responses.

I couldn't come back to this last night, I was a bit overwhelmed after writing it, but I feel very supported now and I'm so grateful for that.

I am seeing a very good psychotherapist so hopefully she can help me come to terms with what happened.

All the very best

Cowardly and selfish in his part. He had no right to continue to treat you like he did, when his head was planning a different life. I hope you can work through it and move on positively as you deserve to. It is not your fault in any way not to realise someone has been deceptive!! Wishing you well

You consented to sex with a man you thought loved and respected you. I’m sorry he turned out to be a prick.

I would say this probably applies to most divorces? Unless someone literally wakes up one morning and says thats the end.

My ex started thinking about splitting some 6 months before we did, and did the standard stuff of making notes around money, what pensions were etc... Still had sex with me.

Its humiliating to be so trusting, and to not notice the signs but I doubt many people stop having sex until after they inform the other one.