Ex not letting me see daughter

[Looploop1]

I left my wife 7 months ago. Since then I have arrange to see my daughters (7 and 3) every other weekend and a night each week. However my 6 year old refuses to come with me a lot of the time. I know when she does she loves it as she has told other family members. But if I pick up from my ex then she just says ‘I want mummy’ and nothing is done to try and reinforce the situation.
I believe my ex is telling her not to go as she’s said a few funny things like ‘mummy is sad when I come with you’ and ‘ I should make the right choice and stay with mummy’.
I have applied to the court for an arrangement through my solicitor but I’m still waiting for the mediation certificate to be sent. It’s going to take so long and I just want to spend time with both my daughters. I’ve tried planning days that I know she’ll love, places, people etc. If I pick them up from someone else (father in law for example) they both come with me no fuss. But ex won’t agree to a third party pick up. What can I do?

I mean, she’s 6 and probably anxious about leaving her mother? Lots of children feel like that going to school at this age. They suddenly realise around now that parents are not the centre of the universe (have a look at theory of mind).
maybe instead of the whole weekend try and couple of hours? And build from there?
You made this child with someone you cared for, don’t turn her into a monster.
little kids are tricky things.

The language your daughter is using suggests that your ex is deliberately trying to alienate you. You need a court order.

I hope you are able to navigate this and maintain good relationships with your DDs

I despise gatekeeping its nasty and vindictive. I actually think those parents should be held to account as failing to safeguard the child’s wellbeing by failing to facilitate a relationship with the other parent - with the exception of abusive parents. I’d go as far to say those parents who make false claims about abuse should be charged with something at

It is slowly and subtly damaging not to have a relationship with one parent due to the actions of another - well into adulthood. You slowly realise what you miss out on and harbour a quiet resentment for the parent who gatekept

I understand there are circumstances whereby a child will not want to go and again it’s up to co-parents to put the work in. Even if they ‘not great’ (outside perpetrators of abuse) and don’t do everything as well/nice it’s better than not feeling wanted

In fairness I am writing from my experience. )I’m almost retired with adult children) The slow silent rejection of not being wanted is insidious.

Id encourage all parents and caregivers to work to maintain relationships where appropriate

My child said this when they were being collected from me collecting from school solved the situation he just didn't want to be pulled from pillar to post from his perspective he was in school taken home he couldnt settle down because then he was taken again he was tired so the "I miss mommy" was paraded out

@Neevo and many mothers use emotive language that does this to their children! Doesn’t always have ti be deliberate alienation- can be things like ‘I’m so sad when you’re not here, or , I miss you too much when you’re with dad’

disgusting

do you have a solicitor?

‘ I should make the right choice and stay with mummy’.

I assume your wife does not want your marriage to end and wants you to move home? This is not the language of a 6/7 year old and reads as if she is trying to use your daughter to guilt trip you. Be kind with her, tell her you understand and that you still love her very much even though you don't live with her mummy anymore.

And if you left for another woman, keep her well and truly out of your children's lives for the foreseeable future.

I would go for court order. My DD was 4 when I split with her Dad. She didn’t want to go with him as I think she was angry at him for leaving and wanted to be with me, her safe person. We worked round it by telling her go to the park and if you want to you can come home. She never did.

In your shoes I’d look to do pick up / drop off from school in your CAO. You can cite this as being in Dads best interests as she finds parent to parent hand overs stressful

Picking up from school seems like the best solution. It's more neutral and means the DDs don't feel like they've come home and are then going out to go to yours. They're just going to their other home.

Yes this. I have friends who has a nasty split but since they started to use school as the go between their relationship has improved massively. You will have to do pickups though which it sounds like you don't do currently if you only pick up from mum's. Using an after-school playgroup mat be necessary or, ask for some work flexibility every other Friday.

Going to court to formalise everything is a good idea anyway to set everything in stone. If dds issues are consciously or unconsciously being caused by mums behaviour then having that will be invaluable in the future.

Whilst matters go through the court system, can you suggest having her only during the day so that it is less frightening for her? Anything between the contact arrangement and nothing?

My eldest was like this at that age and still is now years later. I give her options to choose from - like day of the week to see him or the activity so it seems like she has some control and that has helped. If she doesn’t want to go however then no I don’t force her.