Right time? is there ever.

[Cupofchai22]

Hello Mnetter's,

I'm in the process of considering divorce. Married for 12 years, together for 17. We have 2 DS together, one 18 other is 15 in gcse year. I am 49 husband is 53. This is my second marriage (first marriage was overseas).

The majority of the marriage has been what I would call toxic, if honest. No intimacy (we tried to make this work). A few episodes of emotional and financial abuse in DS1 and DS2 early years. He has no friends and just spends a lot of time in the home playing his games. Whenever we had a date day or night it was obvious there was no connection.

I should have instigated a divorce years ago but I always thought, it may miraculously get better, afraid of where to go (I am from overseas but live in the UK so no family here). I worried for my children and was not working FT lots of reasons. Now I am wanting it over I can't really stand to look at him. The sons see his behaviour as normal I guess and my acceptance of this as a relationship/marriage as normal.

Its not would i wanted for myself. There have been good/fun times but I don't want to live this lie anymore. Am I being selfish to start this divorce process (he is in agreement) whilst DS2 is in Gcse year? My only reasoning is that it could take a while, and then A levels...

I suspect sons will want to stay with their dad. As much as I love them I see some traits in them as I do their dad.

It feels like such a mess. My second marriage to have failed and I clearly did not learn the first time round.

I should have left years ago. I was afraid and now I am likely to be in a position where I have to cope financially in my later year and struggle. My boys will hate me I think.

Please be kind with your responses.

Honestly if you can wait until GCSEs done I would. That’s not long.

then in the summer you can tell them and start proceedings

in the meantime you can start to educate yourself, gather information, see a solicitor , start thinking of the outcome you want to achieve, where you’ll live etc.

Get your ducks in a row now - find the right solicitor, ensure you have all financial records, build up your file (bank statements etc), start extracting and secretly saving some cash if needed, but DON’T go official/public in your son’s GCSE year. That’s the height of stupidity and deeply selfish. It’s only until May

We have both myself and husband agreed to divorce, him somewhat reluctantly. I already had a free 30 minute solicitor appointment. I was advised I would get a better share if I divorced now rather than when DS2 is 18 but I agree regarding my DS2 Gcses. Seems very selfish to announce now.

Perhaps we can start the proceedings and file for divorce now, get a cetv of pensions (both government so likely to take a while).

I know for my own and next chapter of my life I do not want to live like this, with this man who I have grown to dislike unfortunately over the years but a few of my closest UK friends have said I should just stay and that many marriages are unhappy.

I unfortunately feel like I have not given my boys a good indication of what a happy marriage or relationship should be. I feel sad about that. We always want the best for our kids and this is not the best. I should have done this a long time ago.

We have a joint mortgage with 350k equity. 13k savings. pensions and this is it.

The settlement is unlikely to be materially impacted - your ds will be 16 at GCSEs only 2 years until for settlement purposes they’re ’ignored ‘ anyway. . If you think they won’t live with you it would make no difference anyway

imo you should not be putting this bomb under your sons life right now. Hold off

you snd your dh can still use the time to work out monies etc - just don’t tell anyone or love yet

I agree @millymollymoomoo . As this mess has been fluctuating for many years seems unfair to do it now. Its not as if either of us have found someone else or a major thing has happened just very unsettled and unhappy. Me probably more than him. He is happy to just put his head in the sand and continue.

Should we wait in your opinion until DS2 is 18 or can we start now and string it out for 2 years? I'm conscious it may get buried again if no action is taken now/soon.

I’d wait till GCSEs finished. Then tell
them.

Yes. I think thats best.