Feel like I'm losing my mind - divorcing narcissist husband

[Alwaysfallingover]

First time poster

I finally got up the courage after years of being unhappy in my marriage to say I am done and want to seperate. I've brought up time and time again with my DH that how he responds to any kind of discussion or disagreement ( storming off, sulking, silent treatment, refusal to look at me while I'm talking to him and completely ignoring me) is really affecting how I feel about him and I thought I'd made it clear that I did not want to continue in a marriage like this.

Despite this, he's completely taken aback that I've actually filed for divorce, and keeps raking up past incidents where he feels I've been dishonest or I've done the same thing. It's like he cannot fathom that I don't want to keep living in this cycle! He's always been controlling but this has amped up since I filed. He's accusing me of financial control and sneaking around, but its him that has done this time and time again over the years. I feel like every conversation goes around in loops. He makes no sense when he talks and goes off on a tangent when I try to discuss in more depth the reasons I want out. I'm exhausted and I can't think straight!! How do I continue living with him while the divorce goes through without losing my mind??

Look up "grey rock"

I could have written this, other than he has asked me for a divorce. I hear how you are struggling and I can relate. If it helps, I try to visualise a big bubble around me when he starts, to protect me from all the lies and crap he throws at me. I try not to react and only say, we clearly have different recollections of the events. It drives him mad that I’m no longer reacting to him. His tirades have diminished, but not gone altogether. Stay strong and remember this will pass and you will be free.

Thank you both, im trying not to react but its difficult, I keep defending myself as he's painting me as if I've been deliberately stringing him along when the reality is its been small incidents over the years that I've tried to address but its fallen on deaf ears. I'll keep trying to stay calm, and will try the grey rock method!

Look up DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender) if you haven't already. It's a tactic used to deflect responsibility, which is exactly what he's attempting to do.

Can't you shut down his accusations with a bland 'I'm sure we'll both be relieved once the divorce is through'.
He's trying to score points now you have taken decisive action and filed for divorce. Don't engage in point scoring - just focus on the end result. There's nothing to be gained on 'winning' the argument. Focus on getting the divorce finalised and moving on.

Thank you, I think trying to keep neutral and unbothered is the way to go! I just keep thinking I've got months more of this to go unless he moves out, but he won't do that. I'll keep my head down and try to stay focused!

I've read about this and it fits him exactly. Funnily enough everyone i speak to who divorced a similar person has an almost identical story as to their behaviour!

You don't have to justify or defend yourself anymore. It is one of the many, many benefits of divorcing this type of abusive man. Just don't engage with him at all. Be prepared for him escalating though, as he'll try even harder to get a reaction from you. If you are lucky, he'll move on to another poor woman soon.

Grey rock
never JADE - justify argue defend or explain

listen to Dr ramani it’s not you audio book it’s so helpful and validating

Remember all accusations are confessions. Eg if he says you’re a neglectful parent , or cheater, or hiding finances - very helpful clues of what info to dig into about him if needed

I do wonder what all these accusations mean in reality, he seems like he's grasping at straws for a reason to blame me and keeps saying I need to see things from his POV. I think the Jade approach is spot on, I don't know why I feel the need to keep justifying it!! Other than the fact that I am a terrible people pleaser and the thought of anyone being angry with me makes me panic

Thank you, I will look up Dr Ramani. I'm listening to positive affirmation podcasts on my way to work every day to try to stay focused so I could try this audio book instead!

Legally Nik
The ugly truth of divorce
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Definitely JADE, have a few one liners that show no emotion, in the back if your mind.

As he loses control it is likely his behaviour will increase. Always have a charged phone. Remove important paperwork abd special things out of the house.

BIFF- best way for you to communicate
Try ro keep everything in writing. Screenshot and keep just in case.

I've copied all the important paperwork and that's stashed away safely. I have an online journal where im trying to keep notes of incidents over the years but I'm finding it's having the time and privacy to update it which is difficult!
Today is another example of things being re written, he's telling me that I think mistakenly that life will be easier post divorce as I'll get a break from the kids and that's not the reason at all. I would love to have the kids full time as the thought of 50-50 is quite heartbreaking but they deserve time with both of us. I feel very sad today as he's been Disney dad lately and in moments like this I feel awful, like I'm breaking up the family on a selfish whim. The journal is useful though as when I read it back I feel certain its the right decision and I know that if I take him back the cycle will just continue.

I was just about to say reading it back to.reassure yourself that you're making the right decision is good, and to also reaffirm that you aren't going mad!
Rewriting history is something my ex is also good at. Document everytime your ex is causing conflict with the kids. This can help if you end up in court as high conflict can sometimes mean it may be easier for you, the main carer, to have them slightly more.