Is anyone up? Feeling awful

[Whatln]

Just that really - feel awful. My partner and I have decided to separate after years of difficult relationship - stayed together for sake of DC (10 & 12) but it’s become impossible. Many problems including complete lack of affection/love, me taking on the burden of 99% of life despite both working full time, he is short and grumpy with DC (not all the time, but often) and can’t really cope with normal family life and busyness due to own MH needs. One of our DC said (then panicked and quickly withdrew) “I wish I had a different dad”. This was a few years ago and in the meantime we’ve done everything we can to make it workable. I’ve reached the point where I feel miserable just being around him.
We have now separated and he’s moved out. I’m now having huge doubts about whether I’ve done the wrong thing - keep feeling as though I’ve overreacted, is there more I could have done, I should have kept it together for kids etc etc. I think what’s triggered it is the overwhelming distress the DC are showing which ridiculously I wasn’t prepared for - I’m not sure what I expected really. Feel so so guilty.
I guess I’m looking to hear similar experiences or ways to support DC. Financially etc we will be ok, but having a really massive wobble overall - please be kind!!

It’ll be shit for a couple of years while the dust settles but even then you will feel so much better not being around him.

It's hard OP. You will find your feet - if you've taken on the major share it probably won't feel much different aside from a bit more lonely and a change for the kids (and finances). It is possible and everything will be ok. There will come a time it will feel like the right thing to do.

Thank you for replying it helps a lot.
I’m not bothered about practical stuff - that can be sorted - it’s the impact on DC and feeling like I’ve ruined their lives which is essentially what they’ve told me. Right now I wish I’d just ploughed on and not caused all this upset, but maybe that’s a normal way to feel at this stage. Combined with that is the guilt that I already feel lighter - but by helping myself I’ve made DC utterly miserable

Your kids will be fine, they will benefit from dad not being there because the home will be a happier place. Dad won’t be short & grumpy when he sees them because he will be happy to spend time with them. I personally think the wrong thing to do would be to stay together “for the kids” I survived my parents getting divorced & my kids got through my divorce just fine too. Sometimes you have to do things that don’t suit anyone else & thats OK!

It’s natural that you will feel guilt about the children. I’ve just separated and feel terrible guilt, but more about staying so long when he was so unpleasant to be around. When it’s tough, I imagine if I had stayed and how it would be right now. It makes me feel better as I know I have done the right thing. Support the DC by being kind and honest and open. Mine are a bit older, but since I’ve said I am not happy with DH they have been able to be honest about how hard they find him. This has really helped them. I don’t talk about him negatively, but through leaving him, it’s obvious I wasn’t happy. It will take time to create a new normal. Be proud of yourself for expecting more out of life.

I think how you react impacts on dc a lot. Any upset I have felt about divorce I have tried to discuss and show to my support circle, not dc. I was open to a degree about dh and why I left but tried not to diss him. The most difficult part for me was when dd behaved in a way that was very similar (very much a learned grumpy response to being stressed) and when I gently pointed this out she got really upset as she thought I might leave her. I could reassure her and also discuss better ways to react and we got through it.

You’re doing the right thing and the odd wobble is very normal. Things will get so much better. It always feels so much worse when it’s dark - even in a few hours it will seem better.

Things might get difficult during the financial disclosures and settlement - some exes become unrecognisable and are argumentative and unpleasant, but this will also pass. Your finances sound solid which will help. Just take one day at a time; you don’t have to solve everything now. Make time to look after yourself and be kind to yourself too - all the “what ifs” and wondering about the past won’t be helpful now, you’re at this point and can’t change it, but you can change the future for the better.

Staying together “for the children” doesn’t work. I I’d have preferred my parents to divorce when I was a child rather than end up hating each other and treating each other dreadfully. By the time we were adults they were so entrenched there was never a right time. It ruined their lives and the burden of being told “we did it for your benefit” is awful too.

Children are very resilient and cope so much better than we expect. Yours are at an age where they’ll understand what is happening and might even enjoy having 2 birthdays, 2 Christmases etc and will benefit from 2 parents who are divorced but happy and settled, rather than together but unhappy.

It sounds like you have genuinely tried everything and it’s still not working. Give yourself some compassion- unfortunately it takes two to make a marriage work, if he hasn’t been willing to put in the effort then it wasn’t possible to salvage things alone. You can do this. I bet the kids will really enjoy being in a lighter, more fun household. You can get over this hump 💐

me and ex dh get on very amicably now, so we still do a joint Xmas morning in one of our houses and meet up to do things together with dc for birthdays etc. it’s normal to also grieve for your marriage and to be sad it didn’t work o it, even when it’s for the best to separate.

Thank you for the kind, helpful responses and sharing your stories.

Yes, it gets easier. I’m almost 4 years post separation/divorce. First few months were tough. DD just wanted everything to go back to ‘normal’. She was upskittled. But she adjusted. She now says she’s really glad she split. She’s currently not seeing her Dad because of his behaviour (sounds a lot like your ex). We live in a home with a lot of joy and laughter, not treading on eggshells. Worth it in the end.

Thank you to each of your replies, means a lot and I’m glad that so many of you have found positive new starts. Long road to go with our family, DC remain devastated but to be expected I guess

@Whatln I’ve found that my DC don’t want to be around their dad any more because of his grumpiness but at the same time they don’t want him to move out. It’s impossible. You can only do what you think is right and there will be days when the guilt is just suffocating and then there will days when you feel empowered that you’re doing the right thing. As time moves on (I separated August) the guilt says get less and less and the empowered ones get more. Enjoy your house and living in it with your DC. De-clutter, move furniture around, get settled in to your new life. The kids will start to feel more positive too as it’s infectious.