Fair split?

[broken1980]

Going through divorce (he walked out, found out he was cheating and is still with her). Together 17years in total, married for 10. We have two children, 15 and 9.

We have been advised to have mediation to discuss split. We just have a house.

A meeting with a solicitor suggested 40/60 split to me as I have the children all the time except on Saturdays when he sees them for 6 hours. My son stays the night every other week.

He has continued to pay half of the mortgage and bills, but no contribution towards kids, simply because he can’t afford it.

My mortgage advisor has worked out that it will be very tight if I buy him out of his 40% share. I would struggle. I pay for everything. In order to be able to afford the repayments, I would need a smaller mortgage, which would mean a larger share of the house. He would need to have less than 40% share.

Has anyone had similar experience? Did the judge accept it? Were you able to work it out another way?

Unlikely to be signed off by a judge if pensions are not mentioned. I doubt that you will be able to keep all your pension plus have a larger share of the house.

I’d get a CETV for your pension as soon as possible as a while ago they were taking ages for teachers pensions to get a valuation and holding up divorce proceedings.

His behaviour will have no bearing on the split of assets. It is purely on who needs what.

He may decide he would like the children more often and therefore need a larger house. It may be that you both end up needing a 3 bed house.

I wouldn’t trust anything he says he will do or does or doesn’t want. He may change his mind down the line and ask for more, or be able to argue for more if he has the children more often.

The division of assets may be unequal in the end but everything- house and pensions- must be included in negotiations.

If he has a solicitor they are going to advise him to go for your pension, so you could well end up with a lower share. If he asks for pensions to be included (and he may not) then they will have to be.

On the face of it, based on the limited information in your post, you have a great deal on the table. One that might not stand the test of time if he takes legal advice or decides he is getting nothing out of compromising. Cynically the reason he is offering a good deal is he wants to end things quickly and without a lot of fighting.

He is very probably entitled to half your pension and a significant % of the house equity.

He is paying half the mortgage and bills at the moment. If you want child support he can and would probably need to stop contributing to your household living costs. Decide which you want and draw a line under it.

For me the biggest issue would be the potential disruption to the children’s lives and in particular their education. First and foremost they don’t need two battling and emotionally drained parents. Secondly they are both coming up to pivotal points in their education. Particularly the eldest who should be due to sit exams within the next year or two. The younger child is due to move schools within the same time period. A house move might be needed and there might be a better time for that.

The divorce process is an expensive and exhausting outlet for anger and bitterness. It will not bring you any closure or provide any recourse for the pain and anger you feel. The only thing that will is getting through this and living life well.

You’ll still need to declare your pension on the D81 and what’s happening with them will form part of the judges decision making on whether the equity split is fair.

re: how I got 80/20 no we didn’t go through mediation. He was a shit Dad who didn’t want any part of raising the kids so was happy to give me money to go away and do it essentially

IF you've been a classroom teacher for 20+ years, your pension will have a valuation above £200,000. I think a well-advised ex will want to include that!

Still, if you are prepared to lose some pension that could help you to achieve a higher proportion of the housing equity.

Whether that's a good idea long-term is another question.

Honestly, you’re being unreasonable to expect 80% of equity and to keep 100% of your ( likely to be valuable ) pension!

even more so as you earn more

divorce settlement is expected in the eyes of the law to set you on equal footing