Hi Everyone,
I was hoping to get some advice from some people here on MumsNet regarding a situation with my ex-partner.
Me and my ex-partner (for this thread we will refer to him as Karl) were together since 2019. I was 18 and he was 40. I understand many people will criticise the 22 year age gap but this is not what the issue is about. We got engaged about a year into our relationship. We have gone through a lot together in our relationship including loosing our son (who's now 4). Karl was a heavy drug user when I got with him hence why we lost our child initially (he lives with my grandmother which is a blessing). Due to Karl's heavy drug use, he developed drug induced psychosis which led to him constantly accusing me of cheating on him with multiple different men (I must add, this is completely untrue and Karl has only ever been my partner- never have I been in a relationship with anyone else). Our relationship was rocky for 4 years but I have to give Karl his due, he did give up all the drugs as soon as we lost our son which was amazing!
Until we had the chance to go for custody of this twin boys from a previous relationship. Karl by this point was drug free and had the support of many authorities including a parenting programme, drug rehabilitation schemes etc and we both fought for custody of his children who at the time were 13. We were both over the moon to be given an opportunity like that and we once in our care we started discussing putting proceedings in place to get custody of our son too. Everything at this point was brilliant apart from the odd argument here and there.
In May this year, Karl nearly died. He had an upper GI bleed and was close to cardiac arrest and it shook us all. Having your fiancé crying into your arms saying he doesn't want to die and saying his final wishes if he does is something that will never leave me and is something I should probably get counselling for.
Anyway, this is where the dilemma starts. We were out one day running errands in the High Street and visiting Karl's friend when we bump into this women who was walking the most gorgeous puppy. As Karl was an extrovert he immediately spoke with the lady and we found out she was trying to rehome the dog as her apartment wasn't big enough. She stated that the puppy was about 7 months old and was a Shar-pei/Cane Corso cross who had been neglected by her previous owner. We took her immediately and called her Rosie (we also had a 70kg Rottweiler at home).Karl took the women's details and long story short she became a close family friend and got on well with the kids.
In early July this year, Karl comes home from "work" (he claimed her worked the night shift as a delivery driver for a bread company but know I known his shifts were actually for him to do the dirty with other women) and suggests that we have a "break" in our relationship. I reluctantly agreed and packed some items and went back to my mums. It was heart breaking as I had never been on my own before and my relationship with my mum was never perfect. For the next 4 weeks Karl kept feeding me loads of lies saying that "we might get back together after this break" and "I'm not with anyone else, I'm just focusing on myself and the kids" etc. This gave me a small shed of hope that maybe it was just his mental health that was making him go this way and that I'd be back at our flat soon. During this time, our Rottweiler became ill and we had constant trips to the vets together- we were trying to be amicable and at this point he was still saying all the same rubbish as above. But my intuition was telling me that something wasn't right. So the next morning I went up to our flat unannounced to get some more of my stuff. Karl wasn't home so the boys let me in and they called Karl to come home. I found that another women had put all her stuff (clothes, dirty knickers, toothbrushes etc) amongst mine and Karl's and I went ballistic. I called my mum and she came to get the rest of my stuff from the flat (I stupidly, smashed up the furniture in the house- although I regret this, I did pay for it all). Then again, Karl proceeds to keep up with the lies that he's not with anyone but this time he said that him and the boys were staying at his mates house which i thought was a bit odd. So, on my way home I got that horrible gut feeling again and turned around and went back to the flat. He wasn't there so I walked up towards where our family friend from earlier lived (the one who gave us the dog) and low and behold there was his car, outside her house. I saw red at this point and was going out my mind. Then I see Karl walking up with her and that's when I knew he had been lying to me the whole time. I confronted them both and was assaulted by his new partner whilst he just stood there.
I felt like my world was falling apart and I started falling down a dark and depressed state of mind and nearly committed suicide. However, I remembered that I have a beautiful little boy that needs his mummy so I pulled myself out of it. In this time I found out this Karl's new partner was about 3 months pregnant which has meant he had been cheating on me for a while before and allowing her to sit in our house in front of me whilst they both knew what they were doing together. Our relationship was bad for the next few months and co-parenting was even worse. I started to focus on getting my life back on track, finishing my law degree and making the best decisions I could for my son. I even ended up seeing someone new and thanks to my family and friends I was looking towards having a fresh start. I was still so young after all.
THENNNNNNNN THIS HAPPENS (this is what I want advise on primarily)
Just as my new relationship is starting to blossom (Karl has blocked me at this point and lots of trouble had arisen between myself and his new partner's family) I get a random email from Karl as this is how we had to communicate as he refused to unblock me to discuss contact arrangements over text. His spelling has never been great and I was finding it really difficult to understand his emails. He stated that he wanted to move away with all 3 of this boys (this included our son) and he asked me what my plans were for the future. I then told him to call me as I had no clue what he was going on about. He basically wanted us to start again, admitted he was in the wrong for everything he had done and wanted to move away as a family.
This has now been going on for about a month and we are currently looking for properties together and have met up on multiple occasions a rekindled our romance (my relationship with the other guy had ended). However, we thought it would be easier then it has been and we are missing each other so badly but Karl told me he is keeping his current partner (from above) in his life until we move which is not only breaking my heart every time but also is getting very suspicious as to why he can't just end things. He is my true love and I am on the fence about everything.
Do you think I should use my savings to put a deposit down on a house or is this to risky? Please be kind but let me know what you think I should do.