I told my husband I wanted to separate about a year ago. We have 3 tween/teen children and have been married for 19 years. We were once happy but things deteriorated over time until he became increasingly emotionally abusive towards me and sometimes the children. Eventually this became the norm, although there were still intermittent times when he was lovely, but they wouldn’t last. The behaviours included things like not speaking to me, shouting, being hyper-critical, being controlling with money, and being aggressive but without physically hurting us, e.g. preventing me from having access to the children to comfort them. We were constantly walking on eggshells. He has begged me to try again but I have spoken to him about these behaviours many times over more than a decade, and nothing convinces me that they will change.
He reluctantly moved out over the summer, and I am in the process of trying to put together a new life. I am jobhunting, I have a few very supportive friends, I have found something I want to re-train in. The children split their time 50/50 between us. I will file for divorce and expect there to be some disagreement over splitting the assets but I have had legal advice.
I just wanted to maybe hear from others who have felt some of the things I am feeling now. Sometimes I feel almost euphoric that I have had the courage to break free. I enjoy the novelty of having quiet evenings to myself (without having to cook and clean up) when the children are with him, or being able to go out without having to answer to anyone or arrange childcare. At other times, I feel a kind of melancholic emptiness. I miss the children being here all the time; I miss when they were little, even though they took up every ounce of my energy and it was incredibly hard work. I don’t miss him, but I suppose I miss the partner I thought he would be, and feel sad that he has grown so angry and discontented. I feel sad that we have to sell the home I have invested so much of myself in. I like having time to myself (which I have craved for years), but I feel kind of alone and adrift, not knowing where I’ll end up. I also feel incredibly guilty about the suffering this has caused the children, who don’t like having to move back and forth between two households, and are struggling to come to terms with how their lives are changing.