I just wanted to post in an effort to find support and find anyone else who feels the same.
I’m really struggling with knowing/having experienced sides of soon to be ex-husband that very few people know about - whilst he’s out there in the world, with his family and mutual friends, like nothing as happened.
We are both grieving the end of a long marriage, but his denial and disconnect from what has happened after I told him I want to leave keeps sending me reeling.
I am often so incredibly angry - it leaves me derailed and exhausted, and have been on a rollercoaster of having been quite vulnerable to rebuilding myself, and then doing it all over again. The anger is eating me alive. And it’s met with confusion (like he hasn’t heard what I’ve had to say, despite me expressing the same points over and over) belittling comments, laughter or dismissal at how I’m feeling. Or no emotion whatsoever, all corporate and business-like - which often makes me worse.
I cannot recognise the person who I used to love, let alone have a friendship with, built homes, had children. He entertains the idea that we are “best/friends” and tells the children so. Whilst they observe, “you look like you hate him”. We tried “bird nesting” for a time but given what I have experienced, and was becoming very afraid, I had to ask him to leave.
My problem is that my feelings are triggered by the slightest contact from him. I tried to manage this by setting firm boundaries about only communicating about the children/house sale/legal issues (he wanted to call, chat etc). But even so, I get caught up in my feelings and his responses to me, that I can’t do anything constructive. We need to go to mediation (even though he doesn’t see the point) to discuss childcare arrangements at the very least.
Does/did anyone else feel the same as me? I’m so exhausted at having to set boundaries over and over, I find any contact incredibly draining. Yet I’m well aware that I need to communicate in some way to advocate for myself and also parent our children well. How does anyone manage this, when at the moment I can’t even sit next to him or look him in the face? We have a parents evening this week and I’m absolutely dreading it.