Just about to move out... what should I be doing?

[newnamechange2025]

Hello,

NC as I have written a lot about issues with my DH over the years. TBH when I re-read them, they were a bit heartbreaking - posts where I was broken after having a baby and not getting a break ("I have washed my hair 3 times in 10 weeks", etc). Or where DH had been horrid to my mum. Where he'd been rude to me.

DH can be wonderful - fun, warm, caring, but also snappy, bossy, and - over the past year - he has put me down and tried to humiliate me in private and in front of friends.

We have tried therapy and tbh it's made it worse. It's made me realise how I deserve better. I have asked at length why he is sometimes humiliating, rude, etc and he doesn't know. This means we end up arguing about it a lot at home. I'm not an argumentative person and it's tiring. I'm hurt and confused, and he has no clear answers.

Since i told DH i wanted to leave, he has tried. Really tried, but the old ways creep back in and I'm worn down and need a break.

I have rented a small flat near our house. I'm going to move in, take our DCs with me, and then pop back for them to see their dad, for them to stay in the family home, etc... We need to work out a proper plan, obviously.

Staying in the family house would not work as his older children live there too.

If you've read this far, thank you! A few questions:

1. I'm on the mortgage and will still pay the mortgage, is there anything I should do on that front?
2. If I leave, am I blindly giving up some rights? Financial or otherwise?
3. For a few reasons, DH can't afford the house on his own, so I'll be paying 50% of all bills and the mortgage even when I move out. I don't know how sustainable that will be in a few months' time... has anyone else done that? Anything I should consider/do?

And any other words of wisdom are gratefully received. Please be kind as I'm feeling quite fragile. Never thought I'd be here and it's a situation I don't know how to navigate...

TIA x

I did exactly that while the family home sold. I was totally screwed financially and will never really recover tbh. Are you married? I was fortunate in that exdh is decent and we earned about the same so we sold house and split everything 50/50.

I would suggest giving dh a length of time you will pay double bills and then stop. If he can’t afford it, that’s on him. Do you intend to keep paying the mortgage? How long for? He can buy you out.

I wa screwed financially because it took a year for family home to be sold and I paid rent and mortgage and two lots of bills as I felt guilty for leaving. Worked best for exdh and kids. Left me financially on my knees.

OP, first and foremost, you need to see a solicitor. Once you and DH are divirced, you become, as a judge once informed my ex-DH who just didn’t seem to get it, “as strangers to each other”. How will you be able to clothe, feed and house yourself and your DC if you are continuing to pay bills and the mortgage on a house you are no longer living in? If you’re on the mortgage as a co-owner, you have as much right to live in the house as your DH - I can’t think he will want that. If he takes over sole ownership of the house, then the mortgage needs to be put in his name only and is his responsibility, and if he can’t afford it, the house will have to be sold. Don’t be a fool to yourself, OP - both you and your DH need to be able to move on, and in the fullness of time, find new partners. Seriously, see a solicitor - it’s false economy not to. They will inform you of your legal rights, and I guarantee that paying for your ex-husband’s mortgage won’t be part of it.