Last minute doubts about separation

[Mani2024]

Has anyone had last minute doubts about separation after being unhappy for so long? My husband has put me through hell for the last five years, mostly due to business related stress. Lots of financial hardship, moods, negativity, stress, a sprinkling of emotional abuse every few months, overly sensitive and generally really hard to live with at times, felt like I was never at peace and always walking on eggshells. to complicate things, there were periods where it was very settled and harmonious but i eventually became burnt out by the unpredictability of it and the chronic strain of his business and everything this brought to the table. 2020-2024 was excruciatingly bad but we also had a new baby during Covid and another little one so that just added to the strain. Threatened to leave last year and things got a bit better but not good enough. Still a bit of an emotional abuse here and there, still putting up with his moaning and negativity, financial hardships and some moods.

Decided to end the marriage earlier this year when I could take no more and had the realisation this was to be my life forever but with nowhere to go we have remained living together. finally I found an affordable option a few roads away from our family home and told him I’m going. Since I have said I’m leaving all the change has happened.loads of radical and impressive change, the change I have wanted to happen so badly for years.

by this point I had already made a commitment to leave. I’m taking lots of financial risks by leaving. I’m afraid to leave but I’m also afraid of staying. I am also afraid I’m making a huge mistake and wondering do I try again one more time. Is this the time where change is sustained. We are about 9 months in to this change and it seems to be sticking. I feel so confused, exhausted and sick with fear. My friends and relatives have had enough of this journey I’m on so I no longer feel I can talk to anyone about it. They have all seen what I’ve been living with and felt my misery. Its so isolating and scary

He could have 'improved' his behaviour at any point since 2020 but didn't until his comfortable homelife was ending. Stick to your plans. He'll soon revert. Good luck. If you're so close by, he can focus on being a good co-parent.
Ahem......

@Shouldbedoing he said the stress he’s been under has been the problem over the years and sometimes you need something radical to happen to give you a kick up the bum you needed. I’m left so burnt out from it that even after seeing the change I don’t know how or if I can recover. But then again, having those last minutes doubts.

thanks for replying. It comforting to receive a response

If you stay; I can guarantee he will go back to his old ways. It should not have taken this brinkmanship for him to change. He’s had five years - I am sure you were not
silent in all that time. You have your escape route and it’s normal to feel a wobble. But stay your course - focus on what you want your future to be, because it will not happen if you remain with this man. Onwards and upwards.

Go ahead. You will have far more space to think things through once you've moved. I truly believe you will feel better. It's a separation, at the moment, not anything more final, and the ONLY way to make the decision about the path forward is to do the separation bit. People who have been abused aren't in the right place to make decisions, and that's a big part of your doubts.

(Writing as someone who eventually married a man who escaped an abusive situation).

I’d stay if he agreed to weekly counselling

It’s hard op. My exdh promised to change as well but I had detached so completely I couldn’t go back. I did have doubts but am very glad I didn’t go back now.

I never ever wake up and think oh ffs but can’t say anything beside I’m walking on eggshells. And I never have a grumpy arse stomping around anymore. Me and dc are so much more relaxed and generally cheerful.

I don’t know. It sounds like a lot of stress, a business and 2 young children with Covid on top. That’s hard for any couple. People do come back from this kind of thing and I don’t think strangers on the internet can say he’s definitely going to go back to old ways.

Keep going. If you are separating, do you envisage the possibility of returning or is it the first step towards divorce? Give yourself a time limit and see if he maintains the changes once you have gone.

Bear in mind though that he has abused you, whatever his justification, there is no excuse for this. If you eventually decide to go back, he will have to have done a huge amount of work on himself to ensure this never happens again. Is he truly capable of this or is he just going through the motions to get you to stay?

@unsync i believe he wants to change and he’s made some great strides but this is the first time he has really understood that im not going to put up with his behaviour and all the financial strain (im talking no money to pay half our liabilities, borrowing, debt that i have not known about and personal losses that affect me and my children also). He absolutely has been under terrible strain for years and years so I have a lot of empathy, may be too much, and I have tolerated a lot also. What is confusing for me is he a good person, he has been kind, loving, supportive and a good husband lots of the time but he has also been horrible to me and behaved in a way that is just unacceptable. I have tried to communicate this to him for so long and he just didn’t listen.

me leaving was the first step towards divorce but since he had made the changes I am starting to change my mind and think maybe I could see what happens when we have that space and see if he is able to keep progressing and sustain the change.

the other part is whether i can forgive and recover from the emotional abuse. It was intermittent but over many years and so I feel so damaged and traumatised by it. I ask myself why when it wasn’t all the time

If you change your mind now it will be even harder if you decide you want to separate in the future. He says he is trying to change but what happens next time the wheels fall off your relationship. You can still be friends if you have separated, use his willingness to change as a basis for you both to build a post separation relationship.

Move out. You've already taken the hardest step, to truly commit to this course of action. Your life will be much better in the future. He will inevitably go back to his old ways of you don't leave and he gets comfortable again. Prioritise yourself and your kids. Yes, it will be hard but it will be so worth the peace you have not walking on eggshells in your own home.

@Mani2024 Take the time out. Heal yourself, do the Freedom Programne and then see what it looks like. He is not a good person. Good people don't behave like that, especially not towards their spouse. His was a sustained campaign over many years, those are not the actions of a good person.

I personally don't think he will be able to sustain the changes. Usually once the wife has left, or left and returned, they revert back to type as the reason to change has gone.

The thing is, you don’t know that there will never be another cause for stress in the future, but you do know how he will react if there is.

You can’t rely on him to manage stress without taking it out on you or making life unhappy for you. Even when you told him that was what he was doing he didn’t think it was important to find a healthier way of coping. It was only when he’d destroyed the relationship and there weee consequences for him did he find better ways to cope

I am in a very similar position to you, expect not as quite far down the line. 5 years on the merry go round of being ready to walk away, then he changes and I reconsider… over and over.
I finally told him I wanted to separate a month ago and he appears to have had a personality transplant. This isn’t unusual but it feels more determined this time. He is really putting in a lot of effort and has even offered to attend marriage counseling which was always a massive no before.
it’s left me feeling so confused as I also feel so emotionally detached from it all now but the “new man” is the one I’ve asked for for so long.

Do you still love him op? Do you think you could forgive and move on from the past? Would you be able to attend marriage counselling?

I think maybe continuing with your plans is sensible choice but I completely understand your dilemma. Sorry I’m not much help, just wanted to share that you aren’t alone.

Hello @Mani2024 . I am pretty much in the same boat. I keep having wobbles too. I haven't initiated the divorce yet and so far things are amicable and he is in agreement with separation/divorce, to a point. In fact when we discussed finances briefly at the weekend he said he wished he stayed single.

My only reserveration in this all is my DD who is only 15 and the impact it has had/will have on her. When I reflect back I should have left earlier but there was always a reason not to, change of job/bereavement/covid/change of schools etc and I can't keep putting it off. There has been no DV but what I would consider (and have spoken to Womens Aid etc) forms of domestic abuse (emotional/psychological and financial), all predominantly due to his immaturity.

I really need to see this through. I absolutely get that you're having wobbles, its normal and not a decision thats to be taken lightly. I know you haven't spoken recently to family and friends about this recently but what has been their overall opinion on your situation? Listen to your gut feeling, it tells you a lot. I wished I had listened to it.

Hello @Ashleyupnorth thanks for replying. It’s so hard isn’t it. There never seems to be a good time. There is always something happening like a birthday, the summer holidays, Christmas, settling in at school that makes you feel you can’t press on as it’s a bad time for the children.

My friends and family don’t give me a direct opinion but most have shared that they feel I’ve put up with a lot, that his behaviour has not been ok and that at times he has been abusive. The conversation about things being ok, not ok and then ok again have gone on for so many years I think they have reservations about saying anything too strong as it seemed likely we were never going to part. Most of the recent advice to me has been ‘trust your instincts’ ‘dig deep’. ‘Maybe it’s time to try something different even if this separation isn’t going to be permanent’.

I feel so lonely but I am also incredibly exhausted and just want a peaceful life

Thanks for your reply @LostLake88 . I’m sorry to hear that you are in a similar position to me. How you have described your husband sounds exactly like mine. A personality transplant. My husband when happy or not stressed is actually the loveliest man, he is so kind and supportive to me but his behaviour towards me when he is tired, unwell or stressed is on the other end of the spectrum. He is now managing things a lot better. We’ve had a few disagreements through the course of the separation and he has been able to listen and discuss it in a mature way rather than flying off the handle. That’s great but for me I’m still hurt from the many many times he has shut me down, stonewalled, called me names, shamed and gaslit me. I don’t know if I can get over it and this is on top of the financial devastation and many things he has kept from me.

we have done marriage counselling a few times over the years. The first time was ok but i was too afraid to be completely open about how i felt, I think afraid of his response but also afraid of being honest with myself. We tried again earlier this year and again it was helpful but i was so burnt out and detached I was already one foot out the door. I didn’t even realise i was burnt out for some time. I was having thoughts of impending doom for some time thinking that I was going to die and never see my kids grow up, my nervous system felt totally fried, physically I was exhausted and lacked motivation to truly look after myself. I couldn’t be present for my children, when they spoke to me I couldn’t really hear what they were saying.

I love him so much and we have what feels like a very deep connection but I just could t do it anymore. When I made a more concrete decision that’s when he started making the radical changes. It feels like it might be too late. I’ve held on so long I’m not sure I can continue. it’s all so confusing and sad but I think if I don’t try then I will never know and I kind of resent him because had I not made this decision we would still be in this awful cycle now