20 years together but we argue so much now since having our child 2 years ago

[Mumtoaboy89]

My husband and I were together for 18 years before having our child out of choice (almost 2 now). We hardly argued before but we argue so much now and it’s really getting me down. I feel like my husband is so negative and annoyed ALL THE TIME. I try and stay positive and have a “it is what it is” attitude to stressful situations, but I feel so ground down and don’t know if we should remain together. We love each other and I REALLY hate the thought of a broken home for our child but what can be done to make our relationship better? We sit and have chats and try our sort out our difference of opinions but it only works for about a week, then we’re back to arguing constantly (we don’t argue in front of our child).
We both work full time and the house feels like an endless task and chore to keep tidy and stocked up. Also my husband is self employed and is stressed regularly about keeping money coming in. We split everything 50/50 but I sort payment of the house bills, his payments/MOT’s etc and my own, which is also stressful on top of me typing his quotes/invoices. I just feel like nothing I do is ever enough and we are both always stressed and tired. The only time we spend together is watching a series/film some evenings or when it’s the 3 of us at the weekend and we go out.

It seems that you got together when you were 16-17? And now you are in your mid 30s?

I think this is the age many relationships that started as teenagers start struggling/failing. As people (1) change a lot since meeting as teens and don’t necessarily fit well into the middle age; and (2) wake up to mid-age and realise they don’t want to spend the life with just one partner
And in your case you added a child to it - which is stressful to any relationship.

So - I am not sure if it’ll get better. Both of you need to want to improve the marriage and work on your relationship. But atm - your H seems to not be on the same page as you.

On the positive - both of you are still quite young, and you already have a child. So if you divorce - you both can meet partners better suited to you both. And you won’t feel the pressure of ticking clock that single min-30s women often feel.

That’s the reality of family life tbh. Messy house, little time together. All the couples I know who had children later and lots of me-time before have really struggled. It’s about whether you can live with it together or not.

I think this is normal, we are in similar shoes. Toddler years are hard. Try to get some quality time together too.

Can you afford some outside help to take the pressure off? A cleaning service every two weeks to clean the whole house would give you a break from that for a few days.

Weekly food deliveries instead of going to the supermarket?

Having a young child is a big adjustment, hang in there, it does get easier. 💐

There are absolutely things which you can put in place to take some of the load off, and give you both the capacity to work out whether the problem is you both being stressed and stretched thin and this giving you short tempers, or something more fundamental wrong with the relationship which needs to be addressed. Paying the house bills - get everything on direct debit, so you don’t have even have to think about it beyond checking online banking to confirm they’ve gone out each month. MOT is a once a year job, and there are services you can use to have somebody collect and return the car for you if it’s a struggle. Could he afford to pay a freelance virtual assistant to do a couple of hours a week doing his invoices and admin for the business? Somebody who does it for a living will do it more efficiently than you doing it whilst juggling your own job and childcare whilst not having the professional relationship which prevents squabbles.

What are your “differences of opinion”? Are they parenting related? Do each of you feel the other isn’t doing something the “right” way? Sometimes a couple of sessions with a mediator can help in this sort of thing, where you both get your points of view across and can actually listen to each other without an argument arising as it can tend to when it’s just the two of you alone.

And ultimately: breathe. You have a toddler. The early years are difficult and, unless you have regular evening childcare, do mean that you don’t get a lot of time alone. This will get better, your child will soon qualify for funded nursery hours which will take some financial pressure off, and as they get older they’ll gain more independence.

Thanks for all your replies, I really appreciate it. It is nice to hear that it’s pretty normal and it should get better, ha.

Yes, we did meet when I was 16 so I’m mid 30’s now & we have mostly grown together as a couple, but we are not completely on the same page when it comes to parenting. Our arguments are mostly about the mass of constant housework or differing opinions on parenting. My husband feels like “I think I’m the boss” and I’m always telling him what to do with our child. I just try to keep our toddler in some sort of routine for his sleep mostly, because up until the seven month mark we hardly got any sleep; since we got in a routine my toddler sleeps through and that time is precious 😂

I will definitely look into whether we can get a cleaner, even just once a week would help us keep on top. All of our bills are automated DD but I often have to sub money into my husband’s account whilst he’s waiting on an invoice being paid to him etc; he also forgets things are coming out sometimes so I have to check our accounts regularly and ensure the money is in. It’s a bit easier for me with getting paid once a month.

I think because our parents are lovely and help to look after our little boy in the daytime weekly outside of his 2 nursery days (so we can both work full time), we haven’t asked them to have him on an evening or weekend since he was born. I feel really cheeky asking them so maybe we should take a daytime off together regularly for some alone time and to enjoy each others company outside of parenting and cleaning.

We are the same set up. When DD was 2 it was rough! Very hard on the relationship. Now she is 5 our relationship is much more chill. Still not back to the mellow 15 years we had before DD but much more fun with the 3 of us! Good luck!