Several months ago, myself and husband parted ways. We didnt want to, but at the height of his drug addiction (i had no idea) he did some shitty things behind my back and I just couldn't forgive him. If he was honest and admitted to the things I had proof of, I might have been able to move past it. We had marriage counselling for a while which really helped, but we had to give it up because he went onto addiction counselling. Ive spent the past 6 months going through every single emotion over and over and over again, and its just not getting better.
We've recently started getting on really well again and if im honest, its stirred up some old feelings for him. We went to visit a secondary school for our youngest, and turns out, one of the women he had contact with works there and her face just dropped when she saw me and he couldn't get out of there quick enough. He is still denying anything between them, I feel like everywhere I turn in this small town, there are these women who knew he was married with children, and I feel humiliated, angry and a mug. Since we've separated, he has grown up quite a bit and im seeing the side to him that I was longing for and its messing with my head. I feel like he's got it easy. He does live in a tiny bedroom in a friends house, and he's massively in debt which will take years to pay off... but im at home with 3 children, 2 have special needs and isn't in school at the moment, and now she is going through a phase of not wanting to be around other people and its hard to get her to leave the house. So shes with me 24/7 unless im at my part time job. I feel mentally exhausted, isolated, lonely. Don't really have any friends left. I love my children more than anything, but im starting to feel like its better if I didnt exist and the feelings are getting stronger each day. I'm currently on antidepressants and have medication to treat adhd (new diagnosis) but im just struggling with the needs of my children because they have challenges, my house is a jumbled up mess no matter how hard I try to keep on top of it. Multiple hospital appointments for all 3 children, both my parents have had big health scares this year and I just feel like im done. I can't take anymore. Why am I so unlikeable? I do everything I can to help people, I do acts of kindness without telling people, im just all out of any self worth and can't see any way out right now. I'm just so lonely and the way ive been treated has made me believe that is all im worth.