Struggling to resist the urge to respond to parental alienation

[SewingBees]

My ex and I split nearly a year ago after I confronted him about lying to me and he lost his temper and grabbed me and pushed me across the room. Our relationship had been dead for some time and we had stayed living together because I was seriously ill with stage 4 cancer (which is currently responding well to treatment). But this event triggered me moving out.

We currently live close to each other and our 9 year old daughter splits her time between us. She's struggling with our separation and impending divorce, and regularly says she wishes we were still together as a family.

From the start my ex has told me daughter that our separation is my fault, because I shouted at him (I didn't) when I tackled him about his lies (which he has rebranded as a mistake) and it pushed him into losing his temper. When I first heard from my daughter what he was saying I set the record straight with her, as gently as I could, and explained that even if her dad was angry he shouldn't have physically assaulted me, but have since tried not to discuss it with her. I've told her that I don't think it's fair for her to be dragged into our disagreement, especially because she feels like she needs to adjudicate and take sides, and it's hard for children to understand adult arguments.

Because of my husband's insomnia and depression I have insisted that my daughter stay with me on nights before school and my ex has used this against me, telling our daughter that I'm preventing him from seeing her as much as he wants, even though he still sees her regularly.

Our daughter has been understandably frustrated and angry about things, often taking her anger out on me. After an angry outburst the other night I tried to the bottom of what was causing her anger with me and she said it's because it's all my fault that we're no longer all a family. She said she doesn't get angry with her dad because he's done nothing wrong. Except of course he has, I'm just choosing not to tell her that.

I feel very strongly that my ex is being really unfair and what he's doing is damaging our daughter and my relationship with her. I know he won't stop - he's always played the victim and has a history of lying to make himself look better, and of over-sharing inappropriately. Ordinarily I'd just wait it out until she was older, and figured things out for herself with an adult perspective, but because of my cancer there's a good chance I won't Iive to see her grow up. My biggest fear is that when she's older she'll believe her dad's version of events, I won't be around to defend myself, and her view of me will forever be tainted and she'll unfairly blame me for this traumatic period in her life. A period which could be a lot less traumatic if her dad would keep his bloody mouth shut and put her needs first.

I'm finding it harder and harder not to set the record straight with my daughter. Any advice?

Is she in therapy? She needs additional help from outside the family to understand what's happening.

By the sound of it you’ve already told her what happened, I probably wouldn’t keep going over it in detail but would set her straight if she says he’s done nothing wrong because it is important for her to know that no one should stand for dv.

If she’s struggling emotionally, ask school to help. She could maybe do with someone neutral to talk to.

I think teaching her about these things through stories and not mentioning her dad at all may be beneficial. It takes away her fear of going against her loyalty to dad, but teaches her the skills to question and follow her gut. Those skills will stay with her. Also, write her letters. Not just about this but precious memories, etc. Give them to a family member to keep them safe.

Books
The Sky is Red
The Wall in the Middle of the Book

There are others but I can't think of the names. My 6 year old talks about these.

We also play 'fact or opinion'. We started off small like baked beans are delicious (I hate them) and moving to bigger things.

Thank you for the responses. To answer a previous question, yes she has a counsellor she sees regularly. She knows this is her opportunity to share how she feels without fear of hurting anyone's feelings and to learn coping mechanisms.

Don't make your ex a forbidden treasure. Let her stay over, let her see the natural consequences of his depression and insomnia. Once hes doing a fair share childcare he'll get bored, or she'll settle down
You can't win this, all you can do is support her to see him more as shes requested, and be there for any fallout.

She stays over at weekends and when I'm away with work, and half of holiday time. She's with him after school 50% of the time, just not overnight on school nights. He isn't a forbidden treasure to her and he won't get bored, he loves her and wants to spend time with her. He's already preparing for being a sole parent when I die. But when she's with him he's bad mouthing me - blaming his chaotic living conditions on me for example, when in fact it was his choice to move into a house that was only part renovated.

That sounds really difficult to deal with.
You might want to look at PACE techniques (I learned these as adoptive parent). Flat contradiction never works. It’s a about responding with acceptance and empathy

When she says things like “it’s your fault” you can gently say things like “That must really hurt to think that. That can’t be nice for you to believe that about me”. And by very gently probing it can help dig them out of an entrenched position.
Im probably not doing it justice here, but it’s about really empathising with how they feel right now. Showing that you accept that as their truth in this moment and by asking curious questions to understand better. It can be really powerful in opening up that conversation and helping them discover their own truth.
I went in a course for it but I’m sure there are resources about it.

I also agree with use of stories that can help her put things into context.

One other suggestion is a later life letter where you explain what happened. Ours was written by social services and we’ve recently given it to our daughter to help explain why she was adopted. It’s helped her put into context some of the things she didn’t understand.

@Shortpoet Thank you, I'll look into those techniques. It is the urge to flat out defend myself and contradict that I'm struggling with so that sounds like a good way to reframe things.

Interesting that a number of people have suggested writing a letter for the future. I'm uncertain what I would say - my fear is that it would come across as trying to absolve myself of blame and push it all on to my ex. I wouldn't be there to answer any questions or provide context. I fear it would backfire if it landed badly or at the wrong time.

Jacqueline Wilson's book Lola Rose centres on DV and cancer, you could read it to see if it might help? My DD came across it herself and it clicked for her. I would read it yourself first though because it might not be appropriate.

I agree the techniques that have been suggested by others. If there's a possibility that you may not survive your cancer, then I wouldn't be stopping your daughter from staying over her Dad's during the week. She will have to see her Dad's insomnia and depression for herself at some point in the future, there will be no hiding it away, if she eventually has to live with him full-time. Your daughter will figure out what her Dad is like in due course, but at the moment her life has been turned upside down. She's likely scared for the future, worrying about you, and all she wants is the safety and security of her family together. I know it's incredibly hard, but don't try and tell her 'your side', because she's not mature enough to understand the complexities of adult relationships. Keep things neutral 'It must be hard that you think of me in that way' etc. Don't bad mouth her Dad (even though you want too!). It's a very difficult situation. Sending big hugs ❤️

I think with the letters one would be your truth, but I do think the wording needs to be right. Maybe write everything down and then run it by someone to read it with fresh eyes. You could consider putting it through chat gpt, sometimes it can be useful.
But I'd also write other letters of favourite moments, your conversations, your hopes abd dreams for her, memories of when she was a baby or toddler, literally anything. Those letters will show the deep love you have for her. She can read them whenever and know the person she remembers is in those letters. It also means the one explaining your relationship breakdown will just be a part of the love you have for her.
Another way could be to film yourself. Body language, tone, facial expressions- they all add to the words and how they are conveyed. And all those nuances tend to be what we can't remember as clearly, so videos might be the way to go.