Parental Alienation - Help

Doggybroc · 07/10/2025 14:24

How old are the children?

Original poster

DivorGuy1975 · 07/10/2025 14:25

they are 12.5 years old

OP posts:

Doggybroc · 07/10/2025 14:28

DivorGuy1975 · 07/10/2025 14:25

they are 12.5 years old

So it’s possible that the children haven’t been coming to you because they don’t want to and in such a situation where children are these ages… the court order doesn’t mean much

OrangeCrushes · 07/10/2025 14:29

How do you know she has turned them against you?

Original poster

DivorGuy1975 · 07/10/2025 14:29

I acknowledge that, unfortunately, I suspect the ex has been feeding a "narrative" since we separated...

OP posts:

OrangeCrushes · 07/10/2025 14:30

What narrative do you think she is feeding them?

Original poster

DivorGuy1975 · 07/10/2025 14:33

Before separation, we had a great relationship, now they don't appear to want to spend time with me, whatever I do, whatever activity I suggest etc - EG. I took them to "Escape Rooms" this Saturday. The minute we finished, 'daddy, can you take us home now....

The Ex is also blocking me taking them to my mothers at half term who they havent seen in three years, saying "Why would the children want to go and see their grandmother"

OP posts:

Original poster

DivorGuy1975 · 07/10/2025 14:34

My mind boggles what narrative she has fed them.

Daddy left "US". I didn't leave my children, I left my ex wife !

OP posts:

Doggybroc · 07/10/2025 14:58

DivorGuy1975 · 07/10/2025 14:33

Before separation, we had a great relationship, now they don't appear to want to spend time with me, whatever I do, whatever activity I suggest etc - EG. I took them to "Escape Rooms" this Saturday. The minute we finished, 'daddy, can you take us home now....

The Ex is also blocking me taking them to my mothers at half term who they havent seen in three years, saying "Why would the children want to go and see their grandmother"

My 14 year old wouldn’t want to go to a grab’n’s house for half term that he hasn’t bloody seen for 3 years

engage brain op

Doggybroc · 07/10/2025 14:59

At their ages op, if they don’t want to see you and if they don’t want to spend half term at a gran’s who they’ve not seen for 3 years…. Then there’s very little you can do about it

millymollymoomoo · 07/10/2025 18:38

Replies are terrible

of course op should be allowed to take HIS. Children to see their grandparent. Will they want to ? No. Should they, most likely yes! At 12 they certainly shouldn’t get to dictate

it’s perfectly plausible she’s alienated them especially if op left and she didn’t want that. It happens frequently despite the narrative on her that mums would never do it

OrangeCrushes · 07/10/2025 19:56

millymollymoomoo · 07/10/2025 18:38

Replies are terrible

of course op should be allowed to take HIS. Children to see their grandparent. Will they want to ? No. Should they, most likely yes! At 12 they certainly shouldn’t get to dictate

it’s perfectly plausible she’s alienated them especially if op left and she didn’t want that. It happens frequently despite the narrative on her that mums would never do it

I think PP probably suspect that there's more to the story than OP has shared thus far.

OverTheWater28 · 07/10/2025 20:00

OrangeCrushes · 07/10/2025 19:56

I think PP probably suspect that there's more to the story than OP has shared thus far.

Show quote history

If pp suspect that they could enquire further instead of jumping harshly on a father who, at face value, is going through hell with his ex over access arrangements for his children.
It says a lot that so few spaces exist for men to get proper support on such matters, and when one, in desperation, turns to Mumsnet the vipers are upon him with no evidence he’s done anything wrong.

Tbrg · 07/10/2025 20:00

Why did you separate from your ex?

OrangeCrushes · 07/10/2025 20:08

OverTheWater28 · 07/10/2025 20:00

If pp suspect that they could enquire further instead of jumping harshly on a father who, at face value, is going through hell with his ex over access arrangements for his children.
It says a lot that so few spaces exist for men to get proper support on such matters, and when one, in desperation, turns to Mumsnet the vipers are upon him with no evidence he’s done anything wrong.

Show quote history

Sure. I asked questions to better understand the situation 🤷‍♀️

Bloobelly · 08/10/2025 07:46

OverTheWater28 · 07/10/2025 20:00

If pp suspect that they could enquire further instead of jumping harshly on a father who, at face value, is going through hell with his ex over access arrangements for his children.
It says a lot that so few spaces exist for men to get proper support on such matters, and when one, in desperation, turns to Mumsnet the vipers are upon him with no evidence he’s done anything wrong.

Show quote history

It looks like the 12.5 year old children are voting with their feet and don’t want to see their father or at least limit time with him.

sesquipedalian · 08/10/2025 07:57

OP, if your DC hasn’t spent any time with their DGM for three years, why on earth would you want to take them there for half term? It sounds as though you need to build a few bridges with your DC before you embark on time away somewhere they don’t want to go. If they want to go straight home after spending time with you at an escape room, how will they manage staying at your DM’s without their own mother? If your child had visited regularly, I could understand your hurt over the situation, but taking them to a grandparent whom they haven’t seen for three years in the midst of what may well be an acrimonious divorce doesn’t sound like a good way of getting your DC on side. I’m not saying a twelve year old should be able to call the shots, just that perhaps your Dc is struggling, and that you should take account of what they want and why.

Bloobelly · 08/10/2025 07:58

So you barely see your children because you think their mother is feeding them poison

And the time with them that you are pushing for…. You think that it would be a good spend of precious time with them to take them to your mother’s for half term who they have had squat all to do with for 3 years?

Randomchat · 08/10/2025 08:05

Daddy left "US". I didn't leave my children, I left my ex wife

There was a lot of this chat from dh's first wife when he left. He would say the same. He left her, not the family. But they stayed in the family home and he moved out so I guess it's easier to portray the "left the family" narrative in that situation.

Even years later when we met and got married, before we even had another child it was all new family, old family. "Mum says we'll see you less now you've got a new family".

It's shit op, I'm sorry. I don't know what you can do though. Sometimes this sort of thing is so subtle that it's hard to call it out or hard for other people to see. But you know it's happening.

Anna713 · 08/10/2025 10:51

I've no advice OP but I'm sorry for what you are going through. Of course your children should be encouraged to see their grandmother. Men often get a raw deal on mumsnet.

QueenOfToast · 08/10/2025 11:10

If there is a CAO in place which is not being followed then you need to go back to court. You do not need a solicitor/barrister although I think it will cost about £250 to make the enforcement application.

In the meantime, I would strongly urge you to work on your relationship with your children to help re-build any trust that has been eroded. This includes ALWAYS being there when you say you’re going to and making sure that they feel as if they are your number one priority.

The reason that non resident parens get a hard time on mumsnet is because NRPs often don’t pull their weight or go the extra mile for their children. The NRPs are not the ones who have to juggle work demands when their children are ill or be the ones trying to get them to do their homework when they want to be on screens.

Relationships with children are built through actions not words. You need to show your children the kind of parent that you are by putting their needs ahead of your own. Do they want to go and visit their grandparent or are your motivations for this visit not related to what they want/need?

vivainsomnia · 09/10/2025 13:56

Look into intergenerational mediation. There might a local charity offering free sessions and you might be able to self-refer.

TheSwiss1 · 09/10/2025 14:43

When you say you left her, not the family, context is probably important for DC as it could feel really different. Did you leave the house after both thoroughly talking it through, trying to save the marriage and stick to your commitments and work at it? Did you leave the house because you were unsafe? Did you leave for someone else? Did you treat your ex well and what did the DC see or think? Were you nice to her?
All of things are important of course and they are absolutely going to have an effect on the kids.

hungrypanda4 · 09/10/2025 17:02

You won’t get any help on here, try legal matters on Reddit instead. Sorry you’re going through this.

markopolo2002 · 16/10/2025 12:15

DivorGuy1975 · 07/10/2025 14:23

Hi, I know that this is "MUMSNET" but there doesnt appear to be a "FATHERSNET"...

I'm a 50 year old guy who is separated and currently going through a divorce.

My ex wife trained as "Divorce Coach" since we have separated and is now using everything she has learnt - She has turned the kids against me, she is ignoring the child arrangement order made in August, the legal bills are breaking me to the point that I am on bankruptcy.

I feel like I am simply held captive to this situation with no end in sight - Can anyone make any recommendations or give advice ?

If there is an order already in place she is breaking it by not doing everything she can to encourage it. Simply refusing based on the kids saying they don't want to see you wouldn't be satisfactory in the eyes of the court and at this point she would likely be in contempt of court.

At 12.5 the kids can speak up in an official/witness capacity and a Cafcass officer could talk to them and make their own determinations on whether there is any truth in the accusation of parental alienation or whether they consider it worthwhile to take it further. They may or may not advise on further sessions depending on their initial findings but the long story short here is don't leave it any longer, if you value your children and the relationship you have, act now and ask your solicitor to action the next steps immediately.

It can be difficult to prove fully, but if there is any confirmation of parental alienation from the mother, the court would likely consider what would then be best for the children and advise your ex of the consequences of this, such as you potentially gaining full custody of them.

Personally, I believe parental alienation is a form of child abuse and should be punished as such, it's a horrific outcome for a child which is both damaging to the alienated parent and the children themselves. Any parent capable of such abuse often finds their own lives don't get much better as they continue with their selfish and destructive behaviour and continue to blame everyone else for their issues.