Financial advice on divorce and splitting house?

[DivorcingmyNDhusband]

I told DH years ago that I wasn’t t happy and needed things to change. During Covid I told him I wanted a divorce. We have been nesting ever since partly because of our ND kids and exams which finished in June etc.

Since I moved into the spare room, he has cluttered up the main bedroom which fully reveals his mental health problems. And otherwise he’s very difficult to live with - repeatedly shouting and saying he will be going, but then he never does. He probably won’t be able to organise this himself but he will argue about everything if I try to do it for him…which is why I’ve steered clear of getting involved up to now.

We had agreed he would find a place to rent this summer and move out but he’s not done anything about it. Im not surprised as his ADHD really gets in his way.

A couple of weeks ago he started saying he was stuck and demanding that I buy him out of the house. We are in SE England so our 4 bed is worth £1.5m. That’s a lot of buy out!

We have no mortgage (overpaid consistently for years to clear it) and 2 kids 14 & 16. They are neurodivergent as well so they’d ideally not want to move house. But even they are fed up with his erratic and grumpy behaviour.

When they were tiny DH did very little at home when I was on maternity but did 1 day childcare/morning drop offs (and I did 1 day plus all the pick ups/evening/bedtimes as he works late) when I went back to work. He went full time once they were in school and I stayed part time for 10 years until I started my own business where I try to fit full time hours around family life. He does the vast majority of cooking and shopping since Covid but finds a lot of time to spend on hobbies. I don’t! He doesn’t attend parents evenings and I just realised hasn’t ever visited the kids’ current school. I deal with all their things and the house generally aside from cooking. Our kids have SEN so that’s a massive job with all the meetings, appointments and forms etc which all falls to me. I pay everything 50-50 but my career was ruined by going part time/short days - which effectively was free childcare for him (although I did want to spend time with the kids after school obvs!) which he’s never really understood or accepted. I’ve come to think that I’m the one who organises things for us all and he’s like a really angry “back seat driver” who wants to be in charge but doesnt actually get on with it!?

He says he wants his share of the house so he can be completely “free of me” - I think he means free of the hurt of rejection because I do wonder how he’s going to look after himself sometimes. He says this in front of the kids (usually while crying and dysregulated) so I’m at the stage where I think paying him off and/or selling the house will be better for me & the welfare of the kids. His outbursts are often as theyre trying to go to sleep or get out for school which is really bad for school refusing anxious types. Cutting all financial ties sounds good esp as my business is doing quite well… but I don’t have half the money knocking around….

However if he’s truly casting off all childcare surely he can’t expect 50/50 on the house?

We have agreed we are broadly equal apart from the house so that would be the only asset to split.

One of the DC says they’d visit DH for the day once a week but wouldnt stay over to avoid being his “emotional punching bag” and the other one might be similar/slightly more contact. So he won’t have any caring duties at all.

So I’d like to make a plan I think works and then get things moving.

Any advice for me?

Where can I find out the method for calculating typical settlements please?

Any suggestions for an advisor/coach as I’ll need advice on financial and emotional/practical matters

Apologies for the long post - I didn’t want to drip feed

We have agreed we are broadly equal apart from the house so that would be the only asset to split.
Are you sure your pensions are equal especially considering you've been part time for a while?

Everything gets thrown into one pot and then roughly divided 50/50 with tweaks based on needs. The person who has the children overnight will have the greater need for housing for instance. As for the house, either you buy him out, he buys you out, or it's sold on the open market. Since neither of you can afford the buyout start getting in estate agents for valuations , and decluttering it all in readiness for photos/viewing.

Remember the split isn't about being equal, it's about future needs and ability to become equal from earnings and pension provision, and about the children's needs, so do not agree to anything without a solicitor. I personally negotiated a bigger slice of the house sale in exchange to leaving his pension alone. I needed a secure roof over my head immediately and he didn't care where he slept/rented. However my extra share was equivalent to what I would have got from the pension order.

We have no fault divorce now so you don't need to explain unreasonable behaviour, just future needs.

There is a pinned post on this page.

ln most cases you would need to sell if you can’t buy him out.

the issues that will matter are the children’s ages and SEN. There could be a case for deferring the sale or buy out. But it will be hard to win with a 1.5m property. His case for a property of his own will be strong. you are probably going to need to give him something. Maybe £500k.

Thank you. I earned a bit less while working part time but paid extra into my pension and have investment so I suspect I’ve got more to lose. Latterly my business earns a lot more than his. I haven’t been paying into a pension but bought property through my company that I’d rather he stayed away from as thats a plan to help the kids long term. On his side he bought a small property as his work premises 20 years ago which I helped him with all the drawings/planning permission etc. So technically I’d have a claim on that and the income generated from that property since - but I just haven’t wanted to go there because he’s hard enough to deal with… but maybe I should try to do some rough calculations… is there a book or a guide on how to do the sums?

Thanks - sorry I missed your post earlier - do you mean pinned on this section if Talk or a different page? I’ve not spotted what your suggesting - sorry

i definitely want to make sure it’s fair and I was expecting I’d maybe have to pay more than you’ve estimated. It would be good to run the numbers to see what a court might think

Sorry it is the advice now link at the top of the page.

There isn’t going to be a simple calculator for any. You have two businesses, investments and a high value home which are all marital assets and need to be split up. Before that they all need to be valued. Even if you live in the SE there is enough capital to fund two homes without borrowing. You earn more than him.

Taking this divorce to court is going to be expensive because it is complex and he isn’t on the same page as you. He is likely to be better off with a court settlement if you expect to keep a 1.5m asset to yourself and get more than 50% of assets when you earn more.

I think when he says free of you he means a clean break financially. That means not having any financial links like the joint ownership of a home. You don’t need to jointly own a home. You have enough for 2 homes with a 50:50 split.

just write down a list of all the marital assets, property, savings, pensions etc. Take your list to a solicitor to get some basic legal advice so you can work out how to approach your DH and move forward.

My divorce was 13 years ago now, but the solicitor said then that the starting point is 50/50 and one party may get more if housing the DC, but judges like to see that each party is fairly treated.

Thanks for all the advice. I had a bit of a ferret about this afternoon and have made copies of paperwork so I think I can work out a rough figure for our total assets and therefore what 50/50 might look like. I can work from there but I suspect we will be broadly equal.

We are both in our 50s. I was treated for breast cancer 2 years ago and he has a problem with his knee. How do I get a feel for how health things are dealt with?

It’s largely irrelevant unless it impacts on their ability to work.

This will all be needs based, can you buy a suitable 3 bed property near to the kids school with a 50% split of the assets alongside your mortgage capacity. You mention that your businesss is doing well and you’ve brought a property in it, the business assets will need to be valued as well. Can he also afford a suitable 3 bed property for when the kids visit him? If the children are at mainstream school the SEN element won’t impact things - I’ve just been to court my wife argued that our autistic son couldn’t deal with the change the judge told her to prepare him for it as she can’t afford to buy me out of the property. In our the case the judge said ex wife will get a maximum of 60% - he reminded her it’s not about equally/equity of lifestyle it’s about getting a clean break and meeting reasonable needs.

I got over 70% in my divorce so I always think starting at 50/50 is stupid! Get a good family lawyer and speak to a financial advisor.

Thank you thats really helpful to know. But we can’t stay in the area and buy two 3 bed houses which are about £950k.

The kids have said they’ll only want to visit him during the day and not stay overnight because of his erratic behaviour.

Thanks - can I ask roughly how much all the fees for those advisors were?

I’d say the hourly fee for a family law solicitor is around £300 an hour plus vat. Depends where in the country you are and how senior the solicitor is.

You must get some legal advice on your situation and getting together a list of all assets including the houses and pensions will help with discussions.

If you are based in London would you consider recommending your solicitor to me?

I need someone to talk to as I also have ND kids, but I’ve not worked for 20 years and I’ve had a mental and physical breakdown from the abuse I’ve suffered from my husband been in hospital for 3 weeks.

so sorry you are going through something similar OP. Get out before it’s damages you as much as it has me. Right now I feel I’m never going to recover fully while he’s around yet I must go back to the family home soon.

@MellowPinkDeer do you mind telling us the justifications for you getting 70 percent? I’m worried it might go the other way in favour of my ex husband

You need legal advice on this, given the full picture.

I paid £200 for a one off consultation with a solicitor (Midlands). They will give broad advice based on your particular circumstances providing you take in the relevant figures/information. Don't waste that time moaning or venting about him, that will cost you dearly - pay for a therapist instead.

A court/judge will base their decision from Form E. Download that from the gov.uk website, you fill in one each. It's a massive document but you might not have to fill it all in (most people only have the one house, or one pension). Might be wise to do that before consulting a solicitor tbh.

Health is only an issue if it prevents you from working for the rest of your life or limits you to part time only, such as MS or Parkinsons etc. If you are no longer being treated for your cancer then it won't count and dodgy knees definitely aren't!.

What will probably give you more will be the children insisting on staying with you overnight tbh. They are old enough for their choice on this to be considered seriously by the judge.

In case you aren't aware a divorce has three distinct areas. The admin side which anyone can do online for themselves for a set fee (go to gov.uk) which involves the (previous known as) decree nisi and decree absolute. No solicitor input necessary.

The second part is finance splitting which can be mutual, mediation, solicitors or court - getting more expensive and longer as you go up. You cannot do court without trying the mediation first. Never finish the admin side (decree absolute) until a judge has signed off the financials.

The third part involves children, so not everyone does this part, this is who sleeps where, how often, when, and can involve child maintenance extras such as private school fees, uniform splitting, who has Christmas etc.

Hope that helps a little.

So it will come down to how much equity do you need from the pot to house you & the kids in a 3 bed. So you’ll need to know what your mortgage capacity is.

That’s really helpful to have that breakdown thank you

If you have 1 property worth 1.5m with no mortgage and two more then you can afford it. If you don’t want to sell the investment vehicles then you can get mortgages. Either way your needs are met and you come put equal.

Sorry I can’t help with that as I had friends who did it all for free. .. never told my ex that!

At the end of the day it was based on need. I always worked but my career had stalled due to his job ( and the travel associated) with the kids. I stood firm on the house equity to get what I needed to buy what I needed near school. We didn’t do a pension sharing order as I needed the money there and then ( and I actually think my public sector pension was worth more than his) my solicitor was excellent. My mortgage ability was significantly less than his so I needed more deposit.

as soon as I moved out I got promoted and now , 7 years on I earn way more than him but he lives rent free in a house his family own ( he kept this a secret but I wasn’t surprised at the end!) he didn’t want to spend loads of money fighting I guess.

we only went to three mediation sessions and my solicitor ( a friend of mine) did the rest. I think she actually aimed for 80% in the first instance .

I think my message really is never use 50% as the starting point!

thanks for that thought. I’ll investigate mortgage capacity next I think. But he’s not going to need a 3 bed. Difficult to explain but his erratic behaviour evenings/mornings means that the kids don’t want to stay overnight with him.

I’ll dm you!