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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Is it ever ok?

14 replies

broken1980 · 05/10/2025 17:10

Is it ever ok for a husband to walk out on his wife and kids? No attempt to make things right, talk things through, just decided he didn’t love me, he didn’t feel loved, everything was too stressful. Shortly after leaving, he’s with a girl from work. Clearly had her lined up.

Every day I wonder why I wasn’t good enough after 17 years together and what’s wrong with me. 6 months on and I still think about it every day. Have just started therapy because I continue to torture myself.

OP posts:
DorothyStorm · 05/10/2025 17:15

It is ok to leave a marriage / relationship if you do not want to be in it any more.

It is not ok to be an arsehole / not be financially responsible / not continue to parent.

wizzywig · 05/10/2025 17:15

No op. Its not right at all. It says everything about him that he could do that to you and his child

Runnyyolkplease · 05/10/2025 17:18

It’s OK for anyone to remove themselves from a situation that doesn’t make them happy, BUT I would expect a husband or partner to communicate with their spouse/attempt to work something out and not just walk out.
it’s still very early days for you, the fact he’s now with someone else just makes it harder. In time you will come to see that it’s nothing you have done or should have done differently. There is nothing wrong with you. I hope therapy starts to help you xx

IHaveSomeUnpopularOpinions · 05/10/2025 17:19

No, it's not OK. The mumsnet mantra that it's always ok to leave any relationship at any time for any reason is balderdash. Divorce has to be legal to prevent people - let's be honest, women - being forced to stay in relationships where they are abused. It's not so that someone can try the greener grass over there without even trying to improve whatever's wrong by means other than breaking a lifelong commitment.

Darner · 05/10/2025 17:23

I’m sure it’s devastating. He probably had his new squeeze lined up if he wasn’t already having an affair.

But were you actually happy? Is it not better to not be in a relationship with this man? You both have to focus on your children now the marriage is over. Make sure this is not a horrible thing for them.

Original poster
broken1980 · 05/10/2025 17:25

@DorothyStorm
thank you x

He does still see our children, he just doesn’t love me! He left his friends behind, his house, all for his new ‘distraction’. She must be amazing! He still hasn’t received help for his ‘depression’ or midlife crisis. That’s all been buried…like everything else.

OP posts:
Notmycircusnotmyotter · 05/10/2025 17:27

It's fine if he was unhappy. What matters is whether he cares for his children moving forward.

Original poster
broken1980 · 05/10/2025 17:28

@Darner
We had an awful year, the house was toxic. He had been ‘depressed’ (I say depressed, but was he really?) so was short with the kids, just a real misery. Everyone noticed. He told me he didn’t feel loved, I kissed the kids but not him etc etc.
I wonder if his mood was actually due to the fact that he had her lined up and wanted out but didn’t know what to do. He said he couldn’t speak to me as I was part of the problem, part of his ‘depression’.

OP posts:
Original poster
broken1980 · 05/10/2025 17:30

@Notmycircusnotmyotter
I don’t agree. I was his wife. I would have done anything for him but he chase to throw me away and lie to me like I meant nothing.

OP posts:
Jellybunny56 · 05/10/2025 17:32

Yes it is okay to leave a relationship if you are not happy, it’s really sad, but that IS okay. Life is too short to spend it unhappy.

Cheating, lying etc- not okay.

Lou802 · 05/10/2025 17:41

broken1980 · 05/10/2025 17:28

@Darner
We had an awful year, the house was toxic. He had been ‘depressed’ (I say depressed, but was he really?) so was short with the kids, just a real misery. Everyone noticed. He told me he didn’t feel loved, I kissed the kids but not him etc etc.
I wonder if his mood was actually due to the fact that he had her lined up and wanted out but didn’t know what to do. He said he couldn’t speak to me as I was part of the problem, part of his ‘depression’.

No doubt it was OP. He wasn't depressed and it wasn't anything you did - it was him wanting to jump ship for his bit on the side and wanting to make it your fault. What a wanker.

Everyone is unhappy at times in a relationship, but decent people work on it. Especially when there are kids that are going to be impacted.

DaisyChain505 · 05/10/2025 17:48

You cannot change or control others behaviour.

He’s done what he’s done and you are torturing yourself going over and over this.

The best thing you can do is accept the now and what is and work on building your new future.

Darner · 05/10/2025 17:50

There will come a time when you’re glad to be shot of him. Who wants a marriage where he cared so little for you? It is ok to leave an unhappy marriage. But hopefully he wasn’t being unfaithful. If he was - good riddance.

Anothernightbitesthedust · 05/10/2025 18:53

OP I've been in this exact same situation. 6 months isn't long enough to feel okay but I am 18 months on and I can honestly say things are better than living with my EXH 'depression' which I was blamed for. He was actually having an affair so no wonder he was depressed! I was pregnant at the time and totally blindsided. OW got pregnant and I was blindsided again at around the 6 month mark. I don't think things have panned out the way he hoped either but you will get through this. The best advice I received was to just take it a day at a time.

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