Help - I am nearly through the worst of it but thinking of getting back together for the kids

[Beachlovingirl]

Help. Me husband and I have done all the difficult parts. We’ve told the kids, we’ve done the finances and the childcare. I’ve bought him out of the marital home.

I am really really struggling with the kids being away from me for 3 days a week. I honestly am just so sad about this, I think about it all the time.

Now we’re separated we get on much better and there is none of the anger he used to have towards me and us. They are asking why we are splitting up as everything is good right now. I don’t have a good answer except to say remember how it was before.

I still want the divorce as strange as that sounds and I am still fine with owning the house myself but should I suggest that ex husband still lives here so nothing else has to change?

please offer me your perspectives and even better if you have been where I am

It’s normal to have a wobble but you need to keep going.
I’m in a similar place as we are getting on better now but not seeing it through is absolutely not good for the kids. Let you and them get used to the change. I’m also not looking forward to the apart time but in the long run I think it will be better. I’m going to do all the jobs on my no child days and then be super fun fully present mum on the others.

My divorced parents got back together- it’s caused untold damage to my brother and I. Don’t do that!

I’m probably not the best person to advise, so I won’t… but I have been there OP - husband and I parted ways, got divorced, DC really struggled. We then calmed down, missed each other, he moved back in, and we were much happier. Got remarried 2 months after we were divorced and personally, it’s the best thing I ever did.

I'd set myself a trial deadline of a year and live it for a while. That's the only way you're going to have a fair comparison. Also for the children, as you'll otherwise cause enormous confusion.

@FancyCatSlave I know you’re right and this is just my selfish self scrabbling to find a way not to me without the kids for any days and I also know that it probably would be actually very confusing for them in real life - would have been better if we’d have never told them we had split and just let the kids think separate bedrooms is just something we do. when I’m in an optimistic mood I also think of I will make use of the free time and hopefully eventually enjoy it. My separated parents also got back together although we were glad of it - i suppose this is also playing into my thinking right now.

@PinkBiteyPony that is so heart warming thank for you sharing that. 😊
you see for me I don’t want to get back together like that as my husband annoys me more than words and say - he’s a lazy slob. I think I had created this ideal land where we both live together and suddenly his annoyingness just disappears and it’s all perfect. Just typing this out makes me realise how much I am putting on my best behaviour to be nice to him for the sake of the children but how how that would be full time. If I decided I didn’t like us living together how would that work - he would then move out - messy!

@Plumedenom that is good advise live it for a year and let us all get used to that and then I can properly see how it is. There is always a good chance my ex husband will decide having the kids all that time is hard work and will want them less - which would be fine with me!

I think once he has moved out you will feel an enormous sense of calm and order

Noooo never go back!

I got back with my ex husband not once, but twice! IME it never works out, we tended to have a few good weeks then it would just go back to how it was before.

I get on fine with my ex now when I see him, because none of his shit is my problem any more. I don't have to live with his mess, his laziness, his financial chaos, his insanely poor health decisions, his poor parenting - none of it matters to me. He comes round two evenings a week and I can see all of the issues still and then the door closes behind him and I can breathe - it's lovely!

Point is, like you say, you're probably getting on now because you're not feeling constantly frustrated and disrespected.

@Plumedenom some days I really feel that and I can’t wait and then I have a panic guilt day and all my good decisions go to pot!

@Summerhillsquare thank you! I am trying not to ! 😅

@MrsSlocombesCat it would be exactly like that but I keep thinking well I’ve put up for it for so many years can’t I just carry on for the sake of the kids? I know this is a rose tinted view as on obviously I started divorce proceedings for a reason and that isn’t going to change.

@YesThatsATurdOnTheRug I cannot wait for that to be true honestly the only thing I am going to really be cut up about is the kids being away from me and having to be with him. If he said will you take them all the time I would snap his hands off. I can’t wait to close the door and lock it and to be in my own space but I still feel incredibly selfish 🙁

Does he get a say in this?! Has he said he’s willing to get back together with the person that wanted to divorce him? My STBX would have/still would take me back but I don’t think there would ever be any trust in the relationship again thinking I might change my mind again.