Is court ever the better option?

Leafytrees · 2025-10-04T07:26:03+00:00

ExDH and I have got an informal childcare arrangement. He won't communicate about flexing or changing this - if the children ask or so I can align work and childcare. He once said he might be open to a change in 6 months. I am thinking - how is it going to work if I have to give 6 months notice to make a single change or to book a holiday with the children? And how are the children going to live their lives if contact is so rigid? There will be so much they will miss. I never wanted to go to court. He's setting all the terms and won't collaborate. He has local family support, so can do this. I need some flexibility from him to allow me to carry on working in my current role, which I am desperate to do. Would court hear the children's voices and encourage him to be reasonable?

Jellybunny56 · 04/10/2025 08:40

A court won’t encourage flexibility, unfortunately, a court won’t even force him to do the bare minimum of seeing his own kids if he doesn’t want to. You could spent the time, money, stress going to court, get a formal agreement and he can still not turn up or say no anyway.

Jellybunny56 · 04/10/2025 08:42

I’d really recommend trying to source childcare to give you the flexibility you need because unfortunately as you’re separated he doesn’t owe you that and nobody, court or otherwise, can force him to.

Original poster

Leafytrees · 04/10/2025 09:22

Yeah that's a fair point that he doesn't owe me that. I suppose that still feels unfair as I'd be willing to make changes to support the children and him despite wanting no personal relationship with him.

So does it mean that the informal agreement can never change and what I initially agreed to (when my job was different and because he threatened me with court until I agreed) will stand forever?

OP posts:

Original poster

Leafytrees · 04/10/2025 09:23

Jellybunny56 · 04/10/2025 08:40

A court won’t encourage flexibility, unfortunately, a court won’t even force him to do the bare minimum of seeing his own kids if he doesn’t want to. You could spent the time, money, stress going to court, get a formal agreement and he can still not turn up or say no anyway.

Part of the problem is he's trying to limit me from seeing the children when they ask to see me. For example they would like me to watch their football matches and he says he'll call the police if I go near them during his time.

OP posts:

Darragon · 04/10/2025 09:27

Leafytrees · 04/10/2025 09:23

Part of the problem is he's trying to limit me from seeing the children when they ask to see me. For example they would like me to watch their football matches and he says he'll call the police if I go near them during his time.

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And what does he think the police will do? Apart from hopefully charge him with wasting police time! Stop letting him control you with these empty threats.

MyFortieth · 04/10/2025 09:29

Leafytrees · 04/10/2025 09:23

Part of the problem is he's trying to limit me from seeing the children when they ask to see me. For example they would like me to watch their football matches and he says he'll call the police if I go near them during his time.

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I would face that one down. Go to the match, stand separately from him, give the child a hug if they come over and then say “you played great, now I’ll see you at home.”

If he threatens the police, tell him to go ahead.

HRchatter · 04/10/2025 09:30

No it is to be avoided at all costs. The only people who benefit gain etc from court are the lawyers.
I say that as somebody who got dragged through it and then I decided to comply with the court orders but the fact of the matter is that I didn’t have to and there would’ve been bugger all they could’ve done to enforce them.
Complete waste of time

HappyHedgehog247 · 04/10/2025 09:32

In contrast to the other posters, I've found the family Court very helpful in establishing child arrangements. The order does not have flexibility but that's a worthwhile price to pay for peace of mind.

notatinydancer · 04/10/2025 10:19

Leafytrees · 04/10/2025 09:23

Part of the problem is he's trying to limit me from seeing the children when they ask to see me. For example they would like me to watch their football matches and he says he'll call the police if I go near them during his time.

Show quote history

Let him call the police, they won’t do anything, except hopefully tell him off for wasting their time.

Original poster

Leafytrees · 08/10/2025 09:14

Hmmm thanks all. I've decided to just go to bed football but such mixed views on court.

I've booked a mediation appointment to see if we can agree anything that way. I just don't understand why he thinks he can set all these rules.

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PhoebeBird05 · 08/10/2025 18:58

People are obsessed with the idea of "flexibility" in these arrangements. As far as I'm concerned, in most cases both parents know a long way in advance what their assigned days will be. If you're not able to honour them, that isn't the other parent's problem and it is up to you to find a solution.

If the other parent is willing to help, then that's great, but if not they should not be made to feel they have any obligation to bail out the other parent.

JohnofWessex · 08/10/2025 19:04

HappyHedgehog247 · 04/10/2025 09:32

In contrast to the other posters, I've found the family Court very helpful in establishing child arrangements. The order does not have flexibility but that's a worthwhile price to pay for peace of mind.

It has been suggested to me that my ex wife is autistic or a narcissist.

Basically she would never agree to a change and it was only by going to Court that anything could get changed.

It didnt help that my sons brother by her's birthday was fixed like Easter by the Synod of Whitby so she kept on being caught out whenever it came round..............

As she was a teacher (!?!) she was sensible enough to realise the consequences of non compliance