Lying husband

[LuckyPenny7]

Recently found out my husband of 10 years has been having an affair since our child was 1 (now 3). I had my suspicions the whole time but was gaslit and told I was paranoid/insane every time I questioned it. I finally found evidence 2 weeks ago. He is still with his much younger, child-free girlfriend.

I feel relieved to know I am actually not insane and his girlfriend is welcome to him but I am devastated for my child. I have found out that for the past year, he has been taking our child for days out with his girlfriend. I only found out when my child told me and then my husband told me my child was not telling the truth! He finally admitted it was actually true and I am just gutted that my child was around a stranger, playing happy families while I was at work. This is particularly hurtful as he was never an attentive father so I used to beg him to spend time with us while he made excuses.

I feel like I do not know this man at all and really do not know what he is capable of. The last 2 years have all been a lie for me so I am unsure what to do next. We own a home together and both want to sell now. He has never looked after our child overnight on his own (I have every week when he ‘worked’ random night shifts and spent weeks away ‘working’) but is now saying he will want our child to live with him 3 or 4 days a week. We both work. I work part time but earn more. I cannot trust him to be decent or honest in this process.

Any advice on what I should do first please? In terms of divorce, house arrangement, child arrangements… anything! Thank you

Well your husband is a total shit @LuckyPenny7 i mean that doesn’t cover it at all but what a despicable human being to make you feel like you were going mad and your child was lying.

I have extreme sympathy for your situation.

my own situation is that my husband was never that bothered about our child and would avoid interacting with her. But I was advised by my solicitor to prepare if we went to court for the custody to be 50/50 split - if he was pushing for 50% - or higher so I just wanted to manage your expectation there. Apparently 50/50 is the starting point and there needs to be proof why not to do the 50/50 instead off proof that it should be 50/50.

hopefully your husband calms down and realises the child will inhibit his new single life with his new girlfriend and not push for this.

you can go to court of course but be aware the cost for this are massive and that you’d need to prove that there was a serious reason where 50/50 would not be suitable.

the equity in the house usually defaults to you having to give him 50% of the equity based on estate agent price if he moves out or the other way around if you move out.

is he going to come for your financially @LuckyPenny7 ? Go to your home office and take out all documentation relating to your assets, pensions, ISA’s, debt. Photocopy anything for the joint assets or joint debts. Photocopy your marriage certificate and your child’s birth certificate. Deeds for the house. If the mortgage is in your name only take all documents relevant to this.
take your own birth certificate.
collect thrse together and put them in a safe place but accessible.

my own solicitor has been pretty rubbish honestly so make sure you choose well.

If he hasn’t been an attentive father then why would he now want 50/50 custody? I suspect he is trying to impress the OW by showing off what a great dad he is but the novelty of this will soon wear off when it’s constant nursery runs, bath times and toddler toys everywhere.

He sounds like a total shit and I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through this. The fact he has had your dc out with this woman before you’ve even split up shows he won’t behave with any sort of decency or respect to you. I would disengage completely from him and get yourself some legal advice pronto.

Fwiw, it’s one thing to have a sneaky affair, it’s another to get into the mundane everyday life together especially when it involves a small child. I doubt it’ll last and if it does you’re better off rid of the cheating snake.

@Beachlovingirl thank you for the advice. I have no idea why he would would want 50/50 because he clearly can’t even take DC out for the afternoon without having his girlfriend help him. I am guessing it would just be to get at me. In terms of finances, I have a much larger pension than him so I think this is what he would come after if anything….

@vivi45 I agree, he is definitely trying to impress his girlfriend. Although I have no idea why she wants to be out with DC either because she’s childfree & in her mid 20s. He’s only ever bought DC one outfit since she was born, I’ve bought everything else but I’ve discovered he actually buys DC things when out with the OW.

Thank you both for confirming this is not normal behaviour. He is trying to minimise everything and doesn’t see what is wrong with it. He sort of said sorry but it was more of a ‘sorry I’ve been caught’. I am relieved I found actual evidence at last because I genuinely believe I would still be with him, being told I’m insane for many years to come otherwise. I will never know why he didn’t just do me a favour and leave when he met the OW!

@LuckyPenny7 yes it will be to get at you or to make sure you don’t feel like you have “won” or just to hurt you. All 3 probably.

I would let things occur organically. If he makes a fuss for the 50% I would be tempted to say ok then you’ve got that and then say that’s 3.5 days a week which days do you want? I’m pretty sure before you know if this 50% custody thing will die down.

yes with pensions it is active pensions that have been paid into within the time you were married and also any dormant pensions that you didn’t pay into - you owe him 50% of the growth on that between when you got married and the date you officially separated.

he sounds like a bit of a sneaky one though OP so he may have some financial stuff squirrelled away? If he does then you may be able to agree you leave each others other stuff alone and just split the house equity. We did this. Also for the forensic accounting for the divorce and for it all to be logged and gone through and the pension transfer values to be obtained you will pay your solicitor pay minute for doing that. To be honest you could probably do it yourself if you could be bothered. Anyway think about what situation you come out best in financially and try for that.

He might tire of 50/50 when he realises what it means for the rest of his life. However if he says he wants 50/50, he will probably get it unless there is a very good reason why he’s not capable of caring for DC 50% of the time.

50/50 also means no CM payable either way.

When my ex left me for OW, I had been the primary carer and was gutted that ex said she wanted 50/50. She did very little by way of childcare for the first 4 years of DC’s life. I have to say that she has completely changed and now does it all - in a way I still find upsetting because why couldn’t she have done that when we were together? But at least DC has 2 equally involved parents now.

It also helps me professionally as I can plan work trips around the days DC is with ex, whereas before every time I had to do an evening event or night away it was a huge negotiation.

He probably wants 50/50 as other have said to impress new woman but also to not pay you child maintenance. Get legal advice asap.