Where to start

[Confusedwhattodonow]

Marriage is over after 18 years - we have been separated for at least two but live in same house (he lives in summer house and travels abroad a lot). Have two teenage sons aged 13 and 17, one of whom is very tricky with additional needs and is school refuser. I have reduced hours this academic year to three days so I can try to support youngest and get him back on track - husband did not get out of bed to get him to school when I was working full time.

Although we both agreed we were separated and he was seeing other people, now I have met someone he has gone ballistic and for the last 5 months has been relentless in accusations that I have betrayed him and used him for money. We have a house with maybe 180,000 equity, my teaching pension (19 years) and not much else. I don’t have as much money now my hours have dropped and he has now lost his job. He has random businesses with some debt and no pension I’m aware of.

This month he did not pay any money toward house at all so I’ve looked at the possibility of getting some benefits to top up what I earn so I can cover the bills as a single person, but worried about that as he comes and goes (and won’t tell me when he is coming/gking). I want to start a divorce because I can’t continue and I guess we have to sell the house because there’s no way he will go and I can’t imagine the drama if I tried to kick him out. I’m worried about money but also no idea where to start with divorce - can’t afford a lawyer! How do you divorce someone with no job? Can we come to a financial agreement without a financial disclosure for his businesses? How can he agree to child maintenance if he has no money? Is it worth splitting house 50:50 even though I will have both the kids to look after if it means he won’t touch my pension?

All seems impossible - open to suggestions/advice please

You can file for the divorce online yourself. But you will need a solicitor for the financials. Get the divorce itself underway then take it from there. You can’t do much else for 20 long weeks anyway so get that going.

We are amicable and using an online solicitor for a consent order but there is no need for disclosure as we both have full access to everything so we only need D81. Yours may need the full shebang.

Thank you - can you explain what consent order and d81 is?

You need to have a good read of https://www.gov.uk/divorce which will explain the process.

First step is to get Conditional Order - no solicitor required. Do it individually or jointly online. Just a form and ID needed.

Then for the financials and kids you either get a Consent Order (if you agree-no court required which needs a Form A and D81 and a solicitor to write it up) or if you don’t agree you get the court to decide via a Financial Order and Form E. Or you can go for mediation first too.

Then you complete the divorce with the Final
Order.

That’s the basic gist in England And Wales at least. It’s all “no fault” now so very easy.

Thank you - is it possible to reach a consent order that absolves me of responsibility for his businesses without him doing a full disclosure? If he agrees with me on a financial arrangement?

Possible but I’d suggest unlikely ?

you also have 19 years of teachers pension which will be worth a lot and need proper valuation, he’s likely to get a sizeable chunk of that

if he’s not working you won’t cms

you stand to potentially lose a lot here so I’d say you need proper legal advice - at least to talk you through it all so you understand

You don’t do detailed disclosure in a D81, it’s just a summary. But you need to each have full understanding of the details of each others circumstances. You can’t do it if anything has been hidden.

Our proposal has my ex waiving his rights to my pension and just splitting the rest 50/50 but we have specific reasons why and we are yet to find out if it will get signed off.

If you don’t have the details of his business affairs a judge is unlikely to be able to assess the fairness of the agreement. On mumsnet everyone bangs on about 50/50 but it doesn’t have to be, it’s the starting point but other outcomes are allowed.

Thank you - any idea how much it will
cost to see a lawyer/ get the ball rolling?

Are you getting all the help you need with your son? Does he get DLA etc (I know it won’t replace your wages but might help) Could you do
more ‘at home’ teaching wg tutoring. Is your husband planning on going back to work?

Get DLA which will help a lot - don’t know about him because he’s not communicating! Tutoring an option but all v chaotic at the moment so haven’t pursued it yet