stbxh still lying

[Carzycat]

Weve been separated just over a year. Nearly made it to 30yrs marriage. I now know I was lied to and gaslit for most of our relationship. Confessed to 4 historic affairs but I’m sure there were more.
When he left he said he just wants to be on his own. He’s not meant to be married. He hates the person he was and didn’t want to lie anymore.
House is nearly sold, divorce going through, so what he does is none of my business but he is still lying and it hurts. Swears there’s no one else. Posted a picture on social media while away this weekend with a woman’s hand in the shot. It came up on my feed, I didn’t go looking. He posted it on a page for a group we both belonged to.
I sound unhinged I know. I want to call him out for the lies but I know it won’t achieve anything and might lead to us falling out and him not helping me with the final house stuff.
I’ve had more therapy than I can afford. I need to just “let it go” don’t I?

You know the answer. I would play the Frozen theme song on a loop - indeed, 'let it go'! He's random hand-woman's problem now. You are well out of it.

Do you still have feelings for him OP

My feelings for him range from disgust to disappointment to anger to pity to frustration. I was 19 when I fell for him - as much as I wish I could flip a switch and go “grey rock” it’s just not happening.

Why does it matter if it was 4, 6, 9 infidelities?
And now - you have been separated for over a year. He said he didn't want to be married to anyone. Woman's hand a weekend away - why not?

What would you be calling him out for?

Of course it's hard after a 30 year marriage. But you have no choice but to try to move on.

Your life is not over. You can still meet someone else to share your life with.

I’d be calling him out for lying when he claims to have left all that behind.

I do get it though - he doesn’t have to tell me anything, let alone the truth. It feels like another betrayal but I do understand it isn’t.

OP - one can not want to be meant to be married, and not want to be in a relationship. I can understand that - certainly after a long marriage.

I am divorced after a shorter marriage, and can say the same - I am not meant to be married. I do NOT want to be married ever again.

He did not tell you he was not going to have any interactions with women. He did not tell you he "left it all behind" - meaning no sex with anyone, and living as a monk.

You have no idea what his life is like now. And no idea who he went on a weekend away with and what their arrangement is.

I get you feel that it is about you, somehow. But it is not. His life is his now.

And you really need to try to re-discover your own.

It would be totally normal if you still had feelings

Remember this fact;-
How he got that woman
Is how he will leave her

It can still hurt, whether or not it is your business anymore, and we can't all regulate our feelings (if only). 30 years is a long, long time to spend your life with someone and you should not hurry yourself. Take your time to heal. Take care.

You know what, I get it. I was actually the one that ended our marriage for reasons other than adultery 6 months ago. I found out recently he'd been lining up his next victim before I told him I wanted a divorce and New Years day he announced his engagement to the side piece. I'm relieved he's someone else's problem but I'd love to call him out. I've settled for a 'congratulations you got engaged' card with a note to say 'I hope you have the life you deserve'. That may sound petty but it was the last thing I hope I ever have to say to him.

On 30th December I asked to meet him. I said I’d been nothing but loyal throughout our marriage and deserved the truth. I said I knew he was in a relationship - he said he wasn’t. I pointed out that he was willing to delay our sons hospital appointment to meet his “friend” for New Year and that doesn’t make sense.
He said yes there is someone - it’s not serious but could be.
They live six hours away. I asked if he still plans to stay local to support our (adult with LD) son as he said he would. He said things change and he isn’t sure but he will still see him whenever he wants to.
So he’s still lying and I think he always will. I pity his next victim, though no doubt he would say he doesn’t lie to her. He even lied to me about the grandchildren’s Christmas gift, volunteering information that wasn’t true.
It’s a hard pill to swallow, that most of my adult life has been spent in a lie.

I know this is hard and hurtful and I hope the future brings you healing and joy. Not much help, but perhaps a way of looking at it is that none of your feelings, the life you built, was a lie, it was all 100% true and faithful based on the information you had at the time. Nothing can change that. He is the one that lived a lie, and as he goes on he will likely continue to do so. Thankfully this is no longer your problem xx

It matters to her, that is why.